Photo: © Channel 5. Source: Digital Spy.

It’s another one of those weeks where I’m having to write this before I’ve watched Friday’s episode, which is annoying because it looks like it’s going to be a good one.

Before I crack on with last week’s episodes, I just need to mention Pierce’s little stunt from the week before. He decides to name a wine after his wife, but he gives it his surname instead of hers, even though she didn’t take his name and never uses it. Is he serious? Did someone say “toxic masculinity”? I cannot even be bothered to unpack this one, so all I will say is that Pierce needs to get in the sea.

Anyway, here is the round-up of last week’s UK episodes.

Shane Is Still A Clueless Moron

Shane doesn’t seem to be able to make a good decision lately, and any advice he gets from anyone gets translated into utter nonsense in his brain. Toadie has been trying to advise him on how to stop being quite so clueless when it comes to his family after the whole evidence-tampering thing, which sent Dipi quite justifiably supersonic with rage. Shane’s latest idea is to take her on holiday to make up for it. Great idea! Everyone loves a holiday. But, it’s Shane, so obviously he ends up making a good idea into a really crap and disappointing one. He’s trying to decide whether to take her on a romantic trip to the beach or to the mountains, which both sound OK in theory. He opts for the trip to the mountains, but not to a cozy cabin or a boutique hotel, oh no – he decides that what their marriage needs is a camping trip to a place that’s only got a long-drop toilet. I just cannot with him. Who would think that anywhere with a long-drop toilet is the ideal location for a marriage-rescue trip? As if to add insult to injury, he comes to Harold’s in his bush hat to surprise Dipi with the idea and then takes no hints whatsoever when she clearly isn’t very thrilled about it. He’s supposed to be an inventor, and yet all of his ideas are rubbish. At the moment, Shane is the husband equivalent of getting excited when someone offers you a biscuit, only to find that all they have are plain digestives.

Nicolette Killed Her Nan By Being a Lesbian

Nicolette is a pretty fishy character with a lot of secrets anyway, but we now discover that as well as making off with some dead guy’s lottery ticket, she also managed to finish Mrs. Mangel off simply by being gay. She’s been lying about having spent some time in London, and so Karl, who has never even heard the word “confidentiality” and certainly doesn’t know what it means, does some snooping. He discovers that Nicolette was indeed in London and doesn’t hesitate to go running off to his best mate Jane to tell her all about it. Jane figures out that Nicolette was in London when Mrs. Mangel died, and Nicolette reluctantly admits that she went to see her and tell her about her sexuality, which she was fed up with having to hide. Later that day, Mrs. Mangel shuffled off this mortal coil, so now Jane thinks it was Nicolette’s revelation that finished her off. Quite how Jane and Nicolette are going to get past this is anyone’s guess. I’m starting to wonder just how many more secrets Nicolette can possibly have.

If looks could kill… oh, wait. Photo: © Channel 5. Source: Digital Spy.

The Scooby Gang Are Trying To Catch Scarlett

Levi, Yashvi, Bea, and Ned have formed some sort of budget Scooby gang in order to try to outwit Scarlett and find some proof that she is actually alive. They even have a van. It’s broken though, which is about fitting for how good this lot is probably going to be at solving this mystery. Scarlett is not being massively careful about being seen in public, she’s swanning around in her pastel pink outfits and her big sunglasses, lurking behind the bins near the garage. Ned thinks he catches sight of her, but he’s perpetually confused these days, and so doesn’t trust his judgment anymore. First Yashvi and Bea stake out the garage hoping that Scarlett will turn up, and then Yashvi cooks up a plot to lure Scarlett out by having a fake wedding for her and Ned. Presumably, at the end of it, they’re hoping that Scarlett will be dragged off to the police station yelling something about how she’d have got away with it if it weren’t for these meddling kids, but this is Neighbours, so we all know it’s probably going to be a good deal more ridiculous and dramatic than that.

“Are Kyle’s Kidneys OK?”

I’m not over this line of dialogue and I never will be. After Kyle’s dramatic gnome/barbecue accident the other week, this week he gets involved in quite possibly the slowest car accident ever, as Terese runs him over in Bea’s van. Kyle gets carted off to the hospital where David cheerfully tells him he’s dislocated his kneecap. I tore the meniscus in my knee once and it was the most painful thing I have ever experienced, so quite honestly the idea of dislocating your kneecap makes me go all sweaty and need to lie down. Afterward, Kyle is absolutely off his head on medication and thinks he’s run David over again, enquiring after the health of David’s kidneys and then his own. And of course, he does it in the third person, as Kyle is bafflingly wont to do. Sheila then puts the idea into Kyle’s head that he’s cursed, so naturally, Kyle goes home and covers every sharp object in the house with what looks like pool noodles to stop himself from getting hurt again. I was sad about the disappearance of Karl and Jane’s extreme couponing storyline, but here comes Kyle’s curse to save the day. Absolutely classic Neighbours.

The curse of Kyle. Photo: © Channel 5. Source: Digital Spy.