Last week on Neighbours looked like it was going to be a real action-packed series of cliffhangers, but in actual fact it all ended up being a little bit of a letdown. But hey, if it wasn’t I wouldn’t have anything to make fun of, so here we are…

Anti-Climactic Car Crash

The big climax to the storyline where Levi is being taunted in the playground (literally) by some bigger boys comes to a head in a high-octane car chase scene that somehow manages to be even more boring than the school siege, or whatever the last big drama was that got hyped up and then was all over very quickly. Levi and Yashvi do some not very covert surveilance of the bigger boys, and realise they’re stealing drones or something equally lame, then set off after them in Levi’s car. Meanwhile, Sheila is determined to some more interfering into her grandson’s life, so she’s tracking the whereabouts of his phone, and ends up in an accident with Levi, Yashvi and the drone thieves. Yashvi is seriously wounded, with the episode ending as she slips into unconsciousness. Will she survive? Yes, because five seconds later she pops up up in the “coming up on Neighbours” tease, so it winds up not being a cliffhanger at all. There’s an argument for not watching the tease if you don’t want to see what’s going to happen, but surely it should be exactly that, a tease that keeps you guessing? Not something that instantly gives away that episode’s cliffhanger.

Will Yashvi be OK? Er, yeah. She’s absolutely fine. Photo: © Channel 5. Source: Digital Spy

Actual Car Crash

In a week where there was a real, physical car accident, it comes to something when the relationship pentagon (“love triangle” is an inadequate phrase for this situation) happening with the Tanaka/Brennan clan out car-crashes the car crash. Where do I even start with this one? First of all, Nicolette’s bizarre incident where she manages to get lost in a vineyard, where everything is planted in dead straight rows, gets wrapped up pretty quickly as she’s found, whisked off to hospital and given the all-clear. I have the worst sense of direction ever seen in a human, and even I’m pretty confident that I couldn’t get lost in a vineyard, you just have to do a 180 and walk back down the row of vines in the direction from whence you came. But anyway, I digress.

Nobody in the Tanaka/Brennan relationship pentagon is happy at the moment – Aaron and David are anxious about Nicolette and feel excluded from her pregnancy; Nicolette is feeling smothered by Aaron and David and neglected by Chloe; Chloe is having seriously cold feet about being involved with a woman who is pregnant with her brother’s child; and Leo doesn’t like Nicolette and is determined to lure Chloe away from her, because what could go possibly wrong with stealing the girlfriend of the woman who’s having his brother’s baby and also happens to be his brother-in-law’s sister? It’s all such a mess, and it looks set to get even worse, because Chloe and Leo and are looking more and more likely to become a thing, and Hendrix is sticking his nose into his boss and ex-stepmum’s relationship, because what this situation is crying out for is another layer of complication. It’s more of a mess than the junk cupboard under my stairs, and that’s really saying something.

Roxy is on to Jesse

In what was quite the most laboured set-up for such little pay-off in Neighbours history, Roxy manages to get her hands on some super powerful binoculars and spies Curtis and Jesse on a date. She immediately goes to tell Harlow all about it, and almost looks disappointed when Harlow confirms that she knows all about Jesse and Curtis, and that her relationship with Jesse is fake. Roxy is still suspicious though, because she wants to know what Jesse is getting out of the situation. I know I make fun of Roxy for being a bit daft sometimes, and Jesse has been purposefully written as being incredibly dim, but I think they’re both smarter than they’re letting on. After the Quill company steals the Lassiters film festival pitch, Jesse makes Roxy believe that she was inadvertently the leak of information, rather than it being Jesse doing a spot of industrial espionage, but I think it’s only a matter of time before Roxy figures it all out. She might not be able to recognise a poisonous mushroom, but she knows a dodgy situation when she sees one.

I spy, with my little eye… Photo: © Channel 5. Source: Digital Spy

Dipi Reminds Me Why I’m Glad She Left

Dipi comes back to see Yashvi in hospital and immediately reminds me why I’m glad she left. She’s not too thrilled by the news that Amy is living at Toadie’s, and then she blows a gasket when she walks in on Amy and Ned kissing. Now, I’ll accept that the situation is a touch awkward, and I can understand why there’s bad blood between Amy and Dipi, but she seriously needs to get over herself. First of all, Dipi and Shane were broken up when Amy was dating him. Secondly, Yashvi and Ned have split up, so it’s none of Dipi or Yashvi’s business who he kisses. It’s not often Ned makes a good point, but when he said he wasn’t sure why he was at the hospital justifying his actions to Yashvi I couldn’t have agreed more. Pop off back to Sydney, please Dipi…

Levi Vows to Be More Boring

In a move that absolutely floors me, Levi this week announces that he wants a quiet life and that he’s going to be more boring from now on. I am genuinely excited to see this play out, because I cannot imagine how this is even possible.