© Channel 5

As usual, I’m a slacker who hasn’t watched Friday’s episode yet, so apologies once again for only rounding up four days of Neighbours. There’s still plenty to talk about though!

Amy is Absolutely Awful

I was so pleased when Amy came back, she was fun and hilarious and a breath of fresh air when she first returned, but now I cannot wait to see the back of her. She’s immature and needy and pathetic, and she’s doing my head in.

Amy finds out that Shane likes to write bush ballads, and she demands that he writes one about her, then badgers him about it constantly until he gives up and repurposes an old one about Dipi, just swapping her name for Amy’s. The whole thing reminded me of a schoolgirl trying to prove to her friends how much in love her boyfriend is with her (“Look, he even wrote me a poem!”) and it was excruciating. The awkwardness every time Dipi sees them together is making my toes curl too.

Dipi’s face every time Amy calls Shane, “Babe”. Photo: © Channel 5. Source: Digital Spy

Amy is feeling insecure about the poem and also because Shane still needs to occasionally talk to the mother of his kids. Unlike Amy, Shane can’t just walk away from his kids and never give them another thought. Amy decides to do some scheming behind Shane’s back in order to make sure Dipi isn’t a threat anymore, so she gets Pierce’s contact details and calls him, telling him he should talk to Dipi about all the trouble that happened between Jay and Hendrix. This is Izzy Hoyland level scheming, apart from the fact that Amy is hopeless at it and immediately gets found out. Now Toadie and Dipi are both of the opinions that Shane’s relationship with Amy is a terrible idea.

Do the days have to be numbered on this relationship, surely? I know there isn’t a big age gap between Shane and Amy, but the vibe I get from them is that of a weary babysitter and an over-excited child, and it’s getting very tiring. Go home, Amy.

Canning Family War

The whole mushroom saga comes to a head after Levi finds out that it was Kyle and Roxy who accidentally poisoned Bea with the kangaroo pies, and despite Bea making it very obvious to Levi that she didn’t want to take the matter further, Levi snitches to the council and gets the tram shut down. As cops go, Levi is a bit of a jobsworth and it isn’t very endearing. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want every cop in Erinsborough to be trying to burn crime shoes or sell drugs to school kids, but Levi could very easily have not told the council that his cousin’s not very bright girlfriend accidentally put some killer fungus in the gravy. And do you know who else I’m annoyed with? Sheila. How many times has she done morally dubious or downright illegal things to cover up for her family? And yet she sides with Levi on this one, saying that he was right to get Kyle into trouble. What a hypocrite!

The Cannings go toe-to-toe. Photo: © Channel 5. Source: Digital Spy

Brent and Nicolette Team Up

Paul is being completely awful, as usual. He’s currently got this odd vendetta against a teenage boy, who he clearly thinks is the worst thing to happen to Erinsborough since the hotel collapsed on Josh Willis. Paul is hellbent on making sure that Brent gets thrown out of Aaron and David’s, and if he can also make Nicolette, the mother of his grandchild, homeless at the same time, then that’s even better. After Nicolette finds a straight razor in Brent’s clothes, she confronts him about it. Paul sees her handing the razor back to him, and for some reason, the most logical explanation he can come to is that she’s just randomly chosen to give a troubled teenager a very sharp weapon. Nicolette makes some curious decisions, but this would be mad even for her, and it’s bizarre that it’s what Paul thought was happening. It all gets sorted out in the end, and Paul ends up with egg on his face when David and Aaron get to the bottom of what has happened. And it’s a double backfire for Paul because as well as ending up in David’s bad books, he also creates an anti-Paul alliance between Brent and Nicolette, which is sure to come back to bite him.

Terese Spills the Tea

Following on from the straight razor debacle, Terese is unbelievably harsh to Paul, which I enjoyed immensely. It was the highlight of the week for me. She basically told Paul that he behaves like such an obnoxious tool because he doesn’t like what he sees in the mirror, and so he’s hellbent on proving that other people are “more appalling” than him. Say what you really think, Terese!

Hendrix Goes Neanderthal

Hendrix takes a page directly out of the Pierce Grayson playbook and goes all territorial on Brent when he spots him talking to Harlow. It’s probably not the best behavior of Pierce’s to attempt to model, maybe Hendrix should try becoming a wine billionaire instead. Harlow isn’t even his girlfriend anymore, he needs to sit the heck down and let her get on with her life in her super cute hot pink dress. I love Hendrix, and I don’t like him being all sad and aggro. Can we have funny, cheeky Hendrix back soon, please? I am pretty excited for the inevitable romance to develop between Harlow and Brent though because I think it will actually make Paul spontaneously combust.