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Shakes head vigorously.


After a rookie season of absolutely bonkers stories, season two of Claws decided to up that by a factor of 578%. The finale-led by Desna’s faux wedding to Ruval-was ever.ree.thang fans of the dishy soap drama could want. Murder. Mayhem. Backstabbing. Betrayal. In the words of Stephan from SNL: “This had it all.”

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With a tropical storm headed toward Palmetto county, Desna finalizes her takeover of Ruval’s assets. Told through Virginia’s point-of-view, Des puts on an Emmy-winning performance by playing off the fact she already knew about Ruval’s extensive holdings. After confirming to Zlata that the three properties the Russian mafiosa knows about are in her name, Des is shocked when Zlata tells her she must take Ruval out (with poison from the 70s, natch).

Desna is needless to say, SHOOKETH.

The entire plan was predicated on Zlata killing Ruval and Desna not knowing any of the gory details. With the onus on her now, Desna’s attitude is thrown into a state of flux. At the hotel, she unloads on the event coordinator and takes the word “bridezilla” to a new level.

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The night before the ceremony-with her nerves at the breaking point-Desna confides in Quiet Ann what Zlata is making her do. Ann has one more ace in the hole: Arlene. Sneaking into the hotel’s kitchen, Arlene provides Des with a wired hoodie (to get Zlata’s confession) and a harmless replacement for Zlata’s 1970s poison-something that would knock Ruval out, not kill him. The plan is a go.

The ceremony is beautiful and heartfelt and a complete load of poo. Desna deserves an Academy award for the level of sappy saccharine excrement she spews to Ruval and their guests. For his part, Gregory appears to work toward his own Golden Globe with his lovey-dovey, attentive husband routine.

It’s all lies. LIES.

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At the reception (complete with Cheetos, Twinkies and no real food due to the tropical storm), Desna makes a critical error: she has gross bathroom sexy times with Roller. And because it’s a totally public, non-soundproof room, Roller’s Russian child-bride hears it all. File that information for later.

In the honeymoon suite, Desna tries her best to get Ruval to drink the spiked drink. After popping into the bathroom to take off her wedding gown, Ruval gets a call from child-bride Olga. Snitching about Des and Roller, Ruval immediately goes on the offensive when Desna exits the restroom. Wrapping his hands around her neck, Desna fights back and fights hard. She gets the jump on Ruval by slicing him with a shattered piece of glass. Taking no chances, she pushes him out the double doors and right off of the balcony. Bye bye Dr. Ruval.

The problem with dealing with a momma’s boy like Ruval is that the momma will jump bad if she suspects something’s off. Cornering a shaken Desna in the hallway, Madame is this thisclose to popping a cap in Desna’s gut when Zlata swoops in and pops Madame first. Bye bye Madame.

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Was that really surprise on Desna’s face after signing over the three (*wink, wink*) properties to Zlata, and seeing a gun pulled on her? In my professional television watching opinion, I’d say nope. See, when you run with gangsters, one must expect gangster attitudes and actions. I honestly think Des expected and anticipated Zlata betraying her in the end. What she didn’t expect was whom kept her safe after all.


Autistic, socially anxious and awkward, emotional Dean.

Dean comes in like the heroes of the Wild West and took care of the Zlata problem with one .22 in the back. Bye bye Zlata.

It is entirely too much and at the same time not enough. If there is anything Claws has always been is a family drama. Desna has always taken care of Dean and in the end, Dean took care of his big sister. It seems like all is at an end: Arlene’s investigation and Desna’s law problems. All dropped. The problem with that is the salon was held by Zlata’s organization and with her assets frozen, the salon is no more.

A. Problem.


Finding out you own a casino more than makes up for the disappointments Desna had this season. Owning tens of millions in prime south Florida real estate more than makes up for disappointment.

Your almost sister-in-law Virginia stepping in to take a bullet meant for you does not make up for said disappointments.

Disappointments. Disappointments. Disappointments.

Claws will return in Summer 2019. You can binge all of season two on or on demand