Uber Eats delivery is a big deal. Do you recall the well known commercials involving Mark Hamill vs. Sir Patrick Stewart?

If you don’t, here they are:

Skywaker or Picard? If you pick the wrong delivery guy, it’s all over but the crying.

Pretty intense, wouldn’t you say? These guys take their deliveries seriously! If you’re on the ball and ready for action, you’ll have no problem. In the wrong hands, mitts, gloves, digits, or even tentacles, there could be big trouble in River City. Let’s take a look at five characters from the video game world that would make really keen drivers for Uber Eats. Conversely, let’s visit five that should never be allowed to even open the door to the car.

WOULD NOT: Earthworm Jim

The Case Against Earthworm Jim

He’s big and muscly, but, eeeew, he’s … a WORM! While the technical term for a fear of worms is helminthphobia, this is only fear of parasitic worms. Maybe if Jim washes his hands a lot? No … probably still not an acceptable delivery guy for many, if not most.
Source: YouTube – Longplay of Earthworm Jim

WOULD: Nathan Drake

The Case For Nathan Drake

Nathan Drake is an everyman’s everyman, yet rebellious at the same time. He is not gifted, but he gets the job done. If he’s late with your order, no problem. Drake’s humorous banter will defuse the situation and he’ll still manage to walk away with more than the standard 15% gratuity.
Source: YouTube – Uncharted’s Best One-Liners

WOULD NOT: Sonic The Hedgehog

The Case Against Sonic The Hedgehog

Fast? Without a doubt! But he spills a lot and has trouble keeping the grub in his hub from cooling off. He’s likely to be even faster if you’ve included onion RINGS in your order!
Source: YouTube – Sonic the Hedgehog 2006 – Intro (Best Quality) 1080p HD

WOULD: Gordon Freeman

Game characters for Uber Eats

The Case For Gordon Freeman

Life is tough out there, even for guys that graduated from MIT with a PHD in theoretical physics. That guy still needs to put food on his own table. What we like about Gordon Freeman is that freaky crowbar he totes around. And he can use other tools to protect himself (and your food) – unless you order crabs. He just can’t go for crabs, even the soft-shelled kind!
Source: YouTube – Evolution of Gordon Freeman (1997 – 2021)

WOULD NOT: Princess Peach

The Case Against Princess Peach

Do you really want to trust your Uber Eats delivery to someone who gets kidnapped at the drop of a hat? I thought not!
Source: YouTube – Super Mario Evolution of PEACH’S VOICE 1997-2017 (Odyssey to N64)

WOULD: Mario

The Case For Mario

Nothing could possibly be better than when your delivery guy shows up and you realize he’s probably the best plumber in all the video game sphere.
Source: YouTube – EvolutiSuper Mario Sports ALL INTROS 2005-2016 (Wii U, GC)

TGON EXTRA: What Are The Best Superheroes With Animalistic Traits?


The Case Against Pac-Man

Whether as Pac-Man, or under his original Japanese name, Puck Man, would you feel comfortable with a delivery guy that eats everything in sight and can’t seem to ever get out of the maze that he’s stuck in? Unless you live on 666 Ghostly Lane, you’re never going to see that burger and fries.
Source: YouTube – Longplay of Pac-Man Fever

WOULD: Cortana

The Case For Cortana

She’s an A.I., but that helps a lot when all you do for each Uber Eats delivery is locate customers and take them something to eat. Also, she is her own WIFI hotspot and never has to stop for bathroom breaks. Perfection. Secretly, though, she wants to be working with a Master CHEF a cigar-smoking Gordon Ramsey in an armored suit. There are possibilities.
Source: YouTube – Evolution of Cortana (2001-2019) Halo Cortana Through the Years

WOULD NOT: Max Payne

The Case Against Max Payne

If there was ever a person with trust issues, it’s Max Payne. With a background like his, who can blame him. Maybe there are mitigating circumstances for choosing Max. If the restaurant gets your order wrong, he’s your best friend. He’ll probably extract some hard-fisted retribution from the counter jockey, window clerk, or barista that screwed things up.
Source: YouTube – Max Payne 3: Intro Cinematics

WOULD: Subzero

The Case For Subzero

No need to stop for ice blocks with this guy around. Even on the warmest of days, he redefines “Fresh & Easy” with each Uber Eats delivey. Best tip big with him, though. If he gets stiffed, he has a plethora of ways to make anyone (everyone?) pay up!
Source: YouTube – Evolution of Cortana (2001-2019) Halo Cortana Through the Years