© Channel 5

It’s another support-bubble-visiting kind of weekend, so I haven’t seen Friday’s episode as I write this. Are support bubbles even still a thing? I lose track of where we are with everything. Anyway, that’s totally irrelevant. Let’s get on with waffling about Neighbours for a bit.

Bye, Bea!

After a lot of flip-flopping, Bea finally decides to head off for her road trip with Sheila, with them both rocking the most incredible sunglasses I have ever seen. With her departure, Bea is leaving Karl and Susan with only Hendrix to amuse them, and poor Levi with a broken heart to nurse. I can’t say I’m particularly sad to see Bea go, she was only ever interesting during all the Finn chaos, and I am simply ecstatic that I will never be forced to listen to her warbling in The Waterhole ever again. Her storylines have all been pretty lacklustre for a few months, and she’s an incredibly whiny character, all she ever seems to do is moan. Thank god Levi bought her that car so she could disappear off into the sunset. On the subject of the car, did it ever strike anyone else as weird that Bea didn’t appear to have one before? I’m not shaming people who don’t have a car, but it always seemed a bit odd that a mechanic wouldn’t have a vehicle of some sort, not counting that stupid school chair on wheels that her and Levi made.

As indifferent as I am to seeing Bea go, I’m sad to see the Other Sheila Canning leave. I really liked her, she was a strong and successful woman, and had a really likeable air about her. I’m sorry to see her go, and I’m sorry about the way Shareena Clanton was made to feel on set – I hope some lessons have been learned.

I need those heart sunglasses. Photo: © Channel 5. Source: Digital Spy

By the Time I Watch Again on Monday Melanie Had Better Be Gone

I am so over Melanie it just isn’t funny any more. I’m done with her, she’s so annoying. She’s an irritating 8-year-old in a grown woman’s body in a kaftan, and when she isn’t dumping loads of manure on people’s driveways for ‘bants’, she’s almost getting Toadie’s kids killed by a Super Karen. The whole saga with putting manure on people’s drives reaches a head as Super Karen (I’ve genuinely forgotten her name) tells everyone at Erinsborough High that it’s Karl and Susan who are responsible for the deposit on her driveway. She demands an apology from Karl, which he resolutely refuses to give her, which is fair enough since it’s Melanie who is responsible for the poo terrorism. Susan then asks Melanie to own up to what she did in order to show that the Kennedys are not the guilty party, but Melanie refuses, on account of it being damaging to Toadie’s law firm if anyone finds out his PA has a manure delivery company on speed dial.

In the end, Karl caves and tells Super Karen that Melanie did it, leading to her and Melanie having a slanging match on Ramsay Street. While Melanie is busy arguing, Hugo wanders off, and almost ends up under the wheels of Super Karen’s (seriously though, what is her name?) wheels as she goes to drive off. Toadie is rightly furious, and tears strips off Melanie, who then goes to cry about what a bad girlfriend she is underneath a giant picture of Toadie’s late wife, which is a really curious place to go and and cry that particular one out. Toadie eventually seems to have a change of heart and is willing to work through what happened, but Melanie does the first mature thing in her life and says she should bow out of the relationship. I hope this means she’s going, because I can’t cope with her any more. If she’s still here on Monday I might have to mute the TV every time she’s on.

Naff off, Melanie. Photo: © Channel 5. Source: Digital Spy

Harlow and Levi Have Surprising Chemistry

I was genuinely flabbergasted to discover that two of the dullest people in Erinsborough actually have tangible romantic chemistry together. Levi and Harlow are both feeling sorry for themselves and, through a rotating cast of people looking after them, manage to end up drowning their sorrows together at the Flamingo Bar. They get steaming drunk, and everyone else on the street puts two and two together, gets about seven, and decides that they must have drunkenly slept together. This is confirmed for Sheila when she sees them talking and laughing together and, in the best line of the week, says, “My grandson isn’t that funny.” No, he isn’t. He’s pretty boring, but then so is Harlow. I can’t believe I never picked them as a couple before, they are so well-matched. They’re both bland and they both have an insatiable enthusiasm for Doing The Right Thing™ – the only issue I can see with their compatibility is that Harlow usually prefers a ‘project boyfriend’, who she needs to mould into something that fits with her high moral standards, and Levi needs no renovation. I hope it doesn’t put Harlow off. I never thought I’d be on board with Levi and Harlow as a thing, but here we are.

Clive is the Housemate From Hell

Clive and Jane are joyful and I want to see more of them – please can they permanently move into a house in Ramsay Street together? I’m sure Chloe and Nicolette would be keen for them to live together, providing it isn’t in their house. Clive is having some sort of monumental bathroom renovation done, and so moves in with Chloe, Nicolette and Jane while it gets finished. He brings his beloved house plant, Hubert. Or is it Herbert? I am not very good with names today. Either way, the air conditioning has to be set to 18.7 degrees, as that is the optimal temperature for the plant, and it also has to listen to classical music. On the subject of the air conditioning, I am about to spend the weekend in my brother’s Victorian terrace which, shall we say, is very well ventilated. My cold (literally) British heart is filled with amusement at the thought that a temperature of 18.7 degrees requires wearing a coat indoors. Oh, bless these precious Australians.

Clive is basically the housemate from hell, and Nicolette wants him to leave so much that she even phones his builder and reads them the riot act in order to get the job done more quickly. But Clive still won’t go, because he’s having the time of his life, switching the TV off when people are watching it and blasting opera in the garden to help the plants grow. Jane thinks that literally everything Clive does is delightful, and I am living for Nicolette’s facial expressions every time Clive does absolutely anything. I could honestly watch a whole episode of Clive being a total hatstand without him being even the slightest bit aware of how annoying he is.

Photo: © Channel 5. Source: Digital Spy