© Channel 5

Unbelievably I’m in lockdown, and I’m somehow still too busy to watch the full compliment of UK episodes before I write this. So apologies again for only rounding up Monday to Thursday!

Audrey Is An Evil Genius

Audrey is supposed to be a goodie-goodie, but I’m starting to think she might be an evil genius. She’s so nice that’s she’s gone around in a full circle and wound up back at evil. Seriously, this woman has somehow managed to weaponise being nice. She’s been desperately trying to get Nicolette to give back the lottery money that they won using a patient’s ticket, only Nicolette has finally told her that it isn’t going to happen. So, for some reason, Audrey is trying to do some sort of saintly makeover on Nicolette, by managing to nice-bully her into volunteering at the foundation. While they’re there, helping Toadie sort through clothing donations, Toadie tells her about the funds the foundation needs to start up a number of new programmes. Audrey seizes the chance to do something else nice by donating her share of the lottery money. Neither of them have any of the money left now, so does that mean that Audrey might bore off soon?

I feel the same, Nic. Photo: © Channel 5. Source: Digital Spy

The Phantom

Pierce and Dipi have done a lot of talking about keeping their affair secret and not arousing suspicion, but actions speak louder than words, and last week their actions were nothing short of outrageously reckess. First, Pierce gave Dipi the diamond necklace that caused the bra flash that started this whole thing off, which was so deeply dumb it makes me wonder how on earth Pierce ever became a billionaire. What did he think she was going to do with it? She can’t wear it, in case Chloe or Hendrix see it, so that means she has to hide it somewhere in a house where approximately 75 people, including two young kids with no concept of privacy, live. Inevitably, Nell finds the necklace, and so Dipi has to come up with a story about how it’s a knock-off. Also, can we talk about the fact that they were calling it a “Stephanie’s” necklace? Is she going to put it in her Lewis Vutton bag and wear it with her Latoubin shoes? That cracked me up.

So the upshot is that Dipi gets bullied into wearing the necklace with her Halloween costume, because she lacks the creativity to break the clasp or accidentally lose it, like any normal person would do. On top of the blatant bit of shiny guilt Dipi is wearing around her neck, her and Pierce then decide to run off for a quickie in the spa. Jane then springs them having a swift goodbye snog out in the open, so Dipi has to concoct an elaborate story about her getting turned on by Shane dressing as the Phantom of the Opera for her, and rather than be totally mortified and scuttle off like any of us would, Jane presses her for more excruciating details. Ew, Jane.

Detective Stone

Of course, Jane spotting Dipi kissing the Phantom of the Opera was bound to lead to something, and it does, when Jane mentions it to Nicolette. It isn’t long before Nicolette goes all Miss Marple and starts very awkwardly trying to pump all the neighbours for information. Her questions clearly spook Dipi, who reacts by doing what any sensible person scared that their secret affair is about to become public knowledge would do, and goes running to the hotel room of the person she’s having the affair with. Little does she know that Nicolette is hiding in the bathroom and hears every word of them arranging to meet later. Did I get too engrossed in my lunchtime bowl of soup, or did we not see how Nicolette got into a locked hotel room? I looked up and she was just in there. That girl has some sneaky skills.

Plan Bea

In order to inject some drama into the will they/won’t they saga between Bea and Levi which has been going on for centuries, we are clunkily revisiting the unresolved guilt Sheila has for the attack which left Levi with epilepsy, and the impact it’s had on Levi’s life. This story baffles me a bit with the way they brought it back in. Things have been fine between Levi and Sheila for a while, but suddenly they both simultaneously revisit these old feelings seemingly out of nowhere. It would have made more sense had Levi’s application for weapons training kicked it all off again, but Kyle had already decided to try to track down Levi’s attackers before that happened. It’s such a weird way to write it back in.

Kyle manages to track one of them down, because nobody in the Canning household has ever learned a lesson from their past actions, and so he decides that meddling in other people’s lives behind their backs is a perfectly reasonable thing to do despite all the previous times it has gone horribly wrong for everyone involved. Of course, as soon as Kyle makes contact with the mysterious Packo, he comes bowling into Erinsborough and promptly throws coffee all over Bea, who then does some weird engine-based flirting and gives him her phone number. Something tells me that the person who is going to come out of this the worst is Kyle, but I’m sure it still won’t stop him from messing in his family’s lives, even though it really should. Grow and learn Kyle.

Bea and Ned 2.0. Photo: © Channel 5. Source: Digital Spy.

Hendrix Was Adorable

I am not over a crying Hendrix dressed as an avocado and I never will be.