Gather unto me, oh noble Lords and Ladies. I wish to impart with you a tale of danger, peril and the complete loss of any joy found fom food! Hi, I’m other Andy. I’m on the Keto diet. And since it’s a little bleak to break down scientifically, I have prepared an explanation in the style of an old, crappy text based, point and click adventure game! Prepare yourself for…
Eons ago, forged in the fires of our hubris, the daemon horde of Cärb was set loose upon our dining halls. They lay in wait unseen. They strike unnoticed…until all selfie portraits must be shot from upon high. Lo, to you, oh hungry traveler. Your journey in search of a taught tummy is fraught with peril and deceit. You board your stalwart and seaworthy vessel, the good ship Honda Civic, in search of suitable sustenance. Thus begins your journey…
After a flash of visions…of storm and desolation, you find yourself awash upon golden sands, a castaway in a strange and foreign land. Upon wandering the water’s edge finding naught to satiate the growling hunger, you happen upon a small shack. Upon a small shelf sits a lilliputtan loaf of bread. Behind it, glowing amber eyes beset above a gleaming smile of bared teeth peer at you from the inky black within. What will you do?:
Cmd: Take Bread
The eyes nimbly fixate upon your hands. The grin widens.
Cmd: Eat Bread
You scoff down yon loaf like the carb crazy little shite you are. It tastes brown. You find the strength to hork it down without so much as a drop to wet your sore gullet. Searing pain and roiling agony shoot through your bowels like and armored drunk. You double over in your death throes, victim to the oldest trick in the book.
Tis a shame thine journey endeth hence.”
The reaper pauses for a moment, then chuckles mildly. “Bread?! Art thou high?! Thou deserveth mine embrace not! Writhe in this, thine unwaking torment!”
With a flash of light , you feel memories swim like tiny fish from your weary mind. You awaken upon the very spot on yon beach where you awoke before. Heading opposite to the direction of that accursed shack, you happen across a bush littered with berries. “Berries are simple and harmless! I shall have my fill of these.” As you reach your frail and weakened arm out towards the shrub, a loud man comes bursting through the brush laughing heartily. He bellows and stands uncomfortably and awkwardly close. His breath is pretty gross. He is dirty but has like, a lot of product in his hair. Like, a lot.
“A fool I shall call thee! Thou art traveling in search of sacred Ketosis, art thou not?”
He chortles again and sneers at you.
“Berries be Mother Nature’s danger dots! The Devil’s DooDads, as they are known. I’ll have thee know that berries contain natural sugars, sugars the body processes into carbohydrates just the same. Now with ketosis…”
You try to flee, but his massive pecs block your path.
Cmd: Head east
You try to walk away, but you cannot. The Explain Train has no breaks.
Cmd: Use Spell – Total Scrotal Annhilation
Suddenly a skeletal leg, adorned with a dry rotted and tattered boot emerges from the sand. It’s foot lands true to its mark. Thunder snaps as this mighty kick meets the Barbarian’s coinpurse. He doubles over in silence and stops moving all together.
You gain 150 exp.
Your endurance increased +3
You gained +4 hp
You are tired
You make your way east through the misty wood until you encounter a cave entrance. In front of it sits a portly Orc stirring a cauldron. He glares at you with eyes unkeen. As you cautiously make your way closer, he calls out to you.
“I WEREN’T ‘SPECKTIN NO GUESTS, BUT I WAGER DERES PLENTY IN’ERE FOR MANY, I’D S’POSE.”
He graciously dusts off a dead animal for you to sit on and continues to stir the pot. You speak to him of your quest for ketosis. He seems puzzled, but doesn’t seem to give it much of a thought.
“KEY TOES? NEVER’ERD OF DEM. ONLY GOTS GOOD OL CORN PORRIDGE IN’ERE.”
“Surely, the gruel of peasants cannot be perilous! Why, nary a soul amongst the peasantry be chubby or soft!” You rub your dusty hands together in anticipation. He plops a portion down into a rough stone bowl and hands it to you. You hastily and fiercely shovel the porridge into your starving maw. The Orc stares in confusion, his hand outstretched holding a crude spoon. Classic Random-ass Orc.
Suddenly your belly expands. It grows so large that it pushes up against you brestal section; your sweaty chest sent smashing upon your ever enlarging chin. Your chin becomes comically enormous pushes your mouth shut. Your gargantuan gobbler collapses against your nostrils, slamming them shut like a cell door. Chin meat becomes all you can see. You fade from consciousness.
“Tis a shame thine journey endeth….”
He looks pretty mad.
“Corn?! Havest thou no wits?! If it were that corn concealed no evil, wouldn’t thou not simply drinketh a bunch of water and eateth but popcorn!? A pox on thee! Like, glaucoma and shit. I shall return thou to thine own plane but once more. Chooseth again unwisely hence forth and thine soul shall be mine to posesseth!”
The world flickers back into view like a face appearing from the darkness through candlelight. You are alone. It is damp and pitch black as sack cloth.
Cmd: Head north
You fumble around in the oppressive bleakness, sharp rocks nicking your calloused feet. You trip over something cold and hard, tumbling forward and landing on a cool and smooth stone incline. You can feel yourself sliding down for what feels like minutes. The light of a torch cuts through the din as you slide gently towards a red door lined with gold. It alone is illuminated in the arid void around you.
Cmd: Open door
The old door creaks open to a lair filled with light. Before you is a large red dragon. It studies you as your quivering eyes dart back and forth, struggling to take in it’s terrible majesty under the crushing horror of breaking it’s soul piercing gaze. You hear a voice in your head:
“Come, sssit beside me, child.”
Your legs move, as if they had a mind of their own.
“Ahh. Yesss. Sssiiit. It hasss been a time sssince we have gotten to chat with the sssmallfolk.”
You sit on a small stool beside a small wooden table. Upon it are two crystalline flagons and a bottle of liquid with a glow that can only be described as ethereal and other adjectives.
Your mind burns as it hisses.
“Pour us a toast to your victory.”
You reach out and uncork the bottle. Fairy glamour and sparkles pop out and that Seal song from the Batman with Jim Carey in it starts playing. It seems to be pretty good stuff.
“Yesss. Pour it up, bro!”
You pour half the bottle into each flagon.
“On three. Ready?”
You lift the vessel to your parched lips. The mead smells of far away sun dappled meadows. You can practically hear the maids singing as they dry laundry.
Your mind sears.
“Are we drinking or not, bro? Ssstop being sssuch a paaansssy!”
You gulp it down. The flavors hit your tongue like the bounty of the harvest of seven generations was condensed and delivered by cannon fire. It has hints of epiphany and falling in love. It’s pretty good.
Behind your eyes…smoldering agony boils up. The beast is laughing at you.
“Foolisssh ant! Did you not know that carbsss are naturally created during most fermentation prsesssesss? Nearly all alcohol hasss carbs! Foolisssh child.”
You begin to choke violently and crumple into a lifeless heap on the cavern floor.
Light rushes to meet your eyes as they open. You awaken to find yourself in Fat Valhalla. There is a fat bearded dwarf in front of you. He capers and dances whilst singing loudly and incoherently.
Cmd: Use Spell – Total Scrotal Annhilation
You feel some force pull the mana from you as you start the incantation. Nothing happens. The portly oaf continues singing.
Cmd: Delete KetoQuest.exe