Photo: ©Channel 5. Source: Digital Spy

It’s been a bit of a lackluster week on Neighbours for me, and there wasn’t one thing that caught my attention enough for me to write about, so instead here is a series of random observations about the latest events in Ramsay Street.

Guten Tag, Kyle

Human Labrador Kyle is back, and now he speaks German. Admittedly, he only speaks about ten words of German, but he rather seems to enjoy injecting a few of them into every conversation and then looking very pleased with himself, like a five-year-old who just learned a swear word.

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Kyle, in a rare moment of not looking utterly delighted. Photo: ©Channel 5. Source: Digital Spy

Piper Vanished

People in Neighbours always make very swift decisions about quitting their jobs and moving to another state from whence they will never return, even for key events like their closest relatives’ weddings and funerals, but Piper’s decision to leave was insanely quick even by Erinsborough standards. The whole thing was incredibly bizarre. Imogen dropped a bit of a truth bomb on her by pointing out that being Toadie’s assistant and banging her mum’s ex on the mezzanine of a large tin shed was probably not how she pictured her life turning out, and it obviously planted a seed in Piper’s mind about what she was doing.

Piper made the decision to leave during the world’s most awkward memorial service, for Josh (and allegedly also for Doug, although he seemed like a bit of an afterthought), which took place in the reception of the hotel that squashed him to death. It’s not the place I would have picked for the memorial, but maybe I’m the weird one. Just to add to the dangerous levels of inappropriateness, Piper then announced her decision to leave during the memorial, which was the perfect time to make everything all about her. And pretty much just like that she was gone, leaving Toadie’s legal practice manned solely by someone who doesn’t actually work there. Just once, I’d like someone to leave Neighbours like a normal person would. Do you think the taxi firms in Erinsborough always keep one car free in case anyone from Ramsay Street suddenly needs taking to the airport?

Paul and Terese Are Having an Argument I Don’t Care About

Throughout all the months (years?) of Paul and Terese being on-again/off-again, I thought I wanted them to be a couple, but now they are one, it turns out that I’m really bored of them. They’ve been having an argument about whether they sit on the sofa and say boring things to each other in the penthouse or at Terese’s house and honestly I don’t think I could care any less.

Sheila is Inexplicably a Sociopath

The Cannings have always had an interesting approach to the law, but Sheila took this to a whole new level when she thought she could put a severed pig’s head in a box on Imogen’s car and it wouldn’t be a big deal. Just let that sink in for a moment – a severed pig’s head. Sheila’s always been a bit of a maverick, but I find this story line incredibly peculiar. Is she actually a sociopath? Because surely only a sociopath could do something like this so casually and then think that saying, “I’m sorry, love” would fix it all. The Neighbours writers are mysterious creatures sometimes…

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Imogen finds Sheila’s present. Photo: ©Channel 5. Source: Digital Spy

Car Crash Elly Continues

Every time I think that Elly has stooped as low as she can possibly get, she surprises me. The first of this week’s disasters was bursting into tears in the middle of a job interview. Openly crying in a coffee shop is pretty humiliating at the best of times, but doing it while you’re having a job interview in there is something else. There was also that excellent moment where we were all Dipi, wondering why on earth you would be having a job interview in a coffee shop in the first place, but Elly assured her, and us, that it was a perfectly normal thing to do. But Elly’s judgement about what’s normal means absolutely nothing.

And Elly’s bad judgement brings us to disaster number two. She was pregnant, then she wasn’t, and now she is again, but this time for real. But of course the baby isn’t Mark’s, because he is still slightly nauseated by the idea of going anywhere near her, so she’s going to have to do some grade A lying to cover this one up, especially when she realizes who her one night stand actually is. Her confidant Leo is, as ever, pretty casual about the whole thing, which is exactly why she needs to stop talking to him about her problems and get Auntie Susan to sort her life out. At the moment, Elly’s descent into a fiery pit of disaster could pretty much support a spin-off series of its own.

Let’s face it – we’d all hate it, but we’d watch it anyway.