Photo courtesy of Channel 5.

I feel like it’s been a bit of a quiet week on Neighbours, but I have got a few questions about what’s been happening on Ramsay Street.

How many storylines about erections can they writers write make before they run out of euphemisms?

I thought the writers might have used up all their euphemistic ways of referring to boners, but they confidently went ahead with yet another chapter in the saga that is Dipi’s special tea, when Piper accidentally gave Toadie a cup of it and he was unable to get up from behind his desk until Sonya had come to ‘help him’. I  particularly love the name of the tea that they’ve chosen now that they’re selling it at the health retreat – Full Salute. That’s the best euphemism yet. They must be close to running out of ways to talk about this now, surely?

Can you really do the Hokey Cokey in and out of the police force?

neighbours mark

Photo courtesy of Channel 5/Digital Spy

Mark has decided he’s had enough of being a mechanic, and he wants to be a cop. Again. He’s never really given up his policey ways, as he’s been a Miss Marple-style amateur detective in his spare time since he left the police force – otherwise known as being a nosy git who can’t stop himself from meddling in other people’s business. Elly suggested that he could try being a private detective, but that’s not worthy enough for him (his words). Even helping his dyslexic apprentice cope with her learning difficulties and become a mechanic is not enough for him, and he hasn’t been very subtle about it either. He’s blathered on within earshot of Bea that he’s bored of his job and it isn’t enough for him. Poor Bea.

So my question is, how many times would the police actually tolerate Mark’s in-out-in-out policeman dance? He was a cop, then he was a mechanic, then he was a cop, then he was a mechanic again. And now he wants to go back to being a cop. Detective Flip Flop needs to make up his mind and/or stop doing dodgy things that get him kicked off the force.

Is Ramsay Street an addiction cluster?

Terese had a booze problem, Sonya seems like she’s been addicted to most things, and now Aaron is addicted to painkillers. Even Karl had some problems with alcohol a while back. Amy was briefly addicted to shoplifting, which is a problem that sort of went away mostly by itself. It seems like a lot of addicts to have all on one street, although living on Ramsay Street is quite a lot more stressful than living on a lot of other streets, which might also explain why there’s so much demand for a cure for erectile dysfunction. All we need now is a gambling addict and we have the full set. Maybe Suze could develop a taste for slot machines or something.

Can Jemima join the ranks of Ramsay Street relatives who leave the street, forget all about their family in Erinsborough and never return?

neighbours susan karl david jemima

Bye, Jemima. Photo: © Channel 5/Courtesy of Digital Spy.

Jemima has been a bit of a divisive figure, and I am firmly on the side that wanted to put my foot through the TV every time she was on screen. She’s disappeared off to Boston with a swish of her caftan, and I’m just really hoping she joins the likes of Naomi, Brad, Imogen and Daniel in that she forgets she has any links to Erinsborough and never darkens the doorstep again. I’m not sure, because I don’t think she mentioned it much at all (#sarcasm), but I think she likes Scandi interior design, so hopefully she’ll find a really big IKEA and get lost in there forever…