Drunk History Came Through With Santa, Sex Toys and Some Seriously Stupid Thieves

Episode eight was a refreshing way to kick off the summer, but let’s be real: “Heists” took the cake this season with outlandish drunk shenanigans last week on Drunk History. I never realized I would be watching a history show depict sex toys, classic artwork and a dog’s vagina, but here we are today in the year of our Lord 2018. Here are some highlights from “Heists,” along with some Grade A reaction images from the show. Cheers!

Mark Gagliardi Steals the Show While Talking About the Mona Lisa

First off, Mark delivered one of the most relatable moments thus far in this series by unashamedly faceplanting on his own couch, and I have honestly never been more proud of a drunk person.

As Mark tells it, Vincenzo Peruggia stole the Mona Lisa from the Louvre, which ended up making the painting famous. He kept it chillin’ next to his breakfast table and managed to evade accusations of theft by feigning stupid. Until he tried to sell it — like a truly stupid person.

Good thing the Italian judge gave him a break for being patriotic. Despite the fact that the Mona Lisa was not stolen by Napoleon as Perugggia claimed.

Brendon Walsh Busted Out His Own Costume While Discussing The Santa Bandits

Did anyone else briefly question why Brendon had a dildo mounted on his kitchen counter? I stopped questioning it when he and Derek started drinking beer through the cum spout inside it. I am simultaneously impressed and appalled.

Brendon’s story opens when Marshall Ratliff was released from jail. Ratliff quickly pulled together a ragtag crew to help him rob yet another bank, and because it’s Christmas he decided that dressing as Santa Claus is the best disguise ever — genius, right? Thus the Santa Bandits came to be, and Ratliff ended up causing mass chaos in a small town. He and his group were soon run out of town but soon realized they had forgotten to fill up on gas before robbing a bank so…oopsie.

Another failed carjacking and several bullets later, Ratliff and his crew are caught and Ratliff is hanged. Long story short: “These guys fucked up.”

I’m honestly never going to get over the fact that in just one episode I witnessed Brendon drink alcohol from a dildo and proceed to cover up his WaWa shirt with a Santa costume he just happened to have lying around. I have a lot of questions about your lifestyle, Brendon. You’re living your best life.

Rachel Bloom Snuggles Up to Talk About the Capture of Adolf Eichmann

The best thing about Rachel’s narration was her brutal honesty about her dog. That and the fact that she did what all drunk people aspire to do after knocking a few back: she snuggled up under a blanket to talk about the capture of a Nazi war criminal.

So, over in Israel, Mossad is after Adolf Eichmann, who “literally planned the Holocaust” and is hiding out in Argentina. His kids are “fucking stupid” and keep the last name Eichmann. Which doesn’t work out so well when one of the kids starts dating a girl whose father recognizes the name and tips off Mossad. Queue Eichmann being captured and interrogated.

Eichmann is taken back to Israel, convicted and hung outside Tel Aviv. Rachel sums up the story in three short words: “Fuck the Nazis.”