The Mindy Project – Decision 2016

Do you pick one of the handsome rich doctors who will have you or do you subvert the rom-com trope and embark on something new?

Season 5 of The Mindy Project picks up exactly where we left off. Mindy is speechless after Jody’s weird declaration of love and that thing where he just up and bought her an apartment so she sends him on his way. As a not at all thoughtful or analytical (you’re a doctor but okay) person, she needs time to think, presumably about how to get rid of him forever.

She heads back downstairs & revels in the fact that she’s living in a rom-com, caught in the sexiest of all shapes. As she’s day dreaming, she puts her gun in the freezer, takes out some pizza bagels (#tbt), & opens her mail. That’s when she finally sees it, Danny’s wedding invite. #WhatTheFffffff

She storms over (I’m guessing) to Danny’s apartment to yell at him. He tries to explain but does a terrible job; “I met someone and we’re getting married” is the worlds worst explanation. Mindy’s mouth was having sex with him but SEVEN hours ago and he didn’t think to mention any of this (to be fair, we know that when blood starts rushing “down there,” the male brain stops functioning entirely). Mindy is upset that he turned her into an adulterer because she’s barely an adult AND Hindu gods don’t like adultery, so how will she be reincarnated as something cool like a ladybug or race car? After he promises to tell Sarah & call off the wedding, he tries to get sexy and piggyback off the first sin, but Min holds her ground and gets out of there before more mistakes are made.

On what seems to be the following Monday, but could be months later as Mindy has black hair again, she’s in the elevator at work, thinking of a way to persuade everyone that she actually went to Miami so they don’t ask about her weekend or put the pieces together about her hookup with Danny. Of course, the best way to do that is to buy a sportsball jersey (sure). Morgan has never been more convinced of anything in his life so I guess it worked. She also brushes off their concern about her well being after finding out that Danny’s getting married. Morgan bought a 2000$ brown corduroy suit that doesn’t fit, Beverly is going to read a poem by Pablo Neruder, and Jeremy never gets invited to anything so he’s definitely going.

As Mindy leaves the reception area, she flashes Jody a smile that Colette notices. She goes into Jody’s office to congratulate him and do some erotic pantomimes, even though buying the apartment seemed thirsty and emasculating to her at first. Jody’s all smitten and thinks Mindy gave him dough eyes, the eyes she makes when she looks at cookie dough, so now he’s treating her like soup, letting the “feelings”simmer.

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Poor sweet Tamra has to learn about medical billing software from Jeremy, who says it will make processing payments as easy as brushing off a harmful insult (aww, bae, who hurt you *hugs*). The Dean of Leo’s school calls just in time to save Tamra from the manual aaand tells her that Mindy & Danny were stuck in the elevator together.

Colette: “What’s Dr. L’s first name? I’m gonna need to know it if she becomes my sister in law!”

Tamra: “I don’t know & I don’t think you need to worry about that.”

That feels like a long time to not know your boss’s name but Tamra did think she was a candy bar selling little boy once sooo…

Anyway, Tamra tells Colette that M&D were stuck in the elevator all Friday night & for sure hooked up, Colette doesn’t believe her so they go off to the school where Colette wants to prove Tamra wrong for the first time in their friendship.

At the fertility clinic, Morgan’s penis is too evident in his gross brown “suit” and Rishi needs a weed prescription because he can’t manage to bill Mindy’s patient and it is stressing him out. GUESS WHICH PATIENT’S FILE IT WAS?! YUP! DANNY’S FIANCÉ! Mindy is a super sleuth this episode because she notices that the handwriting on the form is exactly like the one on Danny’s wedding invite envelope. She also realizes that Mara Ashburn is a BANANAGRAM for Sarah Branum. Homegirl uses bananagram in a sentence like it’s an actual word! *all the heart emojis.*

“I’ve been wearing my underwear backwards all my life, I thought the slit was a fart chimney” is a thing Morgan things will be helpful to say right now to diffuse the situation. It doesn’t work, Mindy’s pissed and wants to call the cops so he confesses that he & Jeremy brought her into the office.

Now Mindy’s PISSED! She pinches Morgan and storms into Jer’s office where she hits him with his delicately hand painted Japanese fan. They say that they just wanted to show Sarah how plain and unthreatening Mindy is (both untrue, fyi guys) so that she wouldn’t feel threatened. They don’t think Mindy should be mad since OBVIOUSLY NOTHING IS GOING ON WITH HER AND DANNY YES NOTHING AT ALL.

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At the Quaker school, Tamra & Colette as posing as Mindy’s legal council, threatening a 50 million dollar lawsuit & a bad Yelp review. This terrifies Dr. WhateverHisNameIs so he lets them view the security tape AND GUESS WHAT THEY SEE! GUYS! THEY SEE WHAT WE SAW LAST SEASON! That tape is hella graphic and idk who we can pay to get the footage hehehe – wait I’m I talking about porn? Never mind y’all don’t mind me.

Mindy is trying to get advice from Jody because she feels guilty – but donating to the NAACP isn’t gonna help her here. As Jody is trying to be sweet (I think) Tamra & Colette barge in and reveal that Mindy hooked up with her baby-daddy!

The whole office is hating on her but Mindy is actually blameless for probably the first time in her life, she didn’t know Jody had bought her an apartment AND she had no idea Danny was engaged. I just hope Beverly found someone else to slut shame after this, she seemed real excited about it.

Later that night, Bev comes into Mindy’s office to get her to cosign a loan so she can get a boat, Mindy agrees, as long as Beverly doesn’t sink THIS ONE. How many boats has she sinked? Why do we still let her buy things? Why is Mindy still terrible with money? We don’t get the answer to any of these questions but learn that Mindy is gonna get nuggets, a big mac and a quarter pounder with cheese for dinner (no fish filet? you okay girl?). When Beverly asks who Mindy is going to pick between Dr. C & Dr. K, Mindy says that she feels no spark with Jody (it’s very important to feel a spark, it’s what kept Beverly’s relationship with Bernie Sanders alive when they lived in Moscow) and that the reasons she and Danny broke up still stand. In a wonderful moment of wisdom and clarity, Beverly tells Mindy to not settle and wait for someone special to come along, and until then, “crank it.”

Later, Danny comes over to Mindy’s apartment. He hasn’t told Sarah about the hookup yet, he needs to know if things will be different between them. He asks if Mindy is willing to change and she’s like euh exsqueeze me are you willing to change?! Neither of them think they need to change so they admit that what they had is “sexual dynamite,” & “interracial porno” hot, that they love each other but maybe that’s not enough. Danny flat out says that he needs someone to take care of him & Mindy seems to not need that anymore. Basically being with Danny gave Mindy the confidence to be alone and being with Mindy opened Danny up too much, so maybe they just don’t fit anymore, for now. Danny kisses her on the cheek and leaves.

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Mindy is in her pyjamas now, she gets up to put away her wine glass and she sees the ladder to the second floor of her apartment. She smiles and we cut to her starting to run in the rain. Sia is playing and by typical rom-com rules, she’d be running to Jody to tell him she loves him. This is where things get interesting though, when she gets to his (gigantic, museum-like) place, she tells him that she can’t be with him. Jody ~obviously~ reacts terribly to this. He basically says she owed him sex for all the time and money he spent on her AND he calls her boobs small even though we all know her rack is huge.

As Mindy walks out of Jody’s building, she’s grinning, like she made the right choice for herself for once in her life and she’s excited about where this will take her – and I feel the same way (especially knowing this will take her to the love of my life aka Bryan Greenberg!)

New episodes of The Mindy Project stream every Tuesday only on Hulu

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Author: Hasti

a potato who likes nice things.

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