I am apparently writing this from the surface of The Sun – it’s been so hot in the UK this week that I, a certified indoor person, have swam in a lake twice because I felt like if I did not enter a cool body of water I was going to spontaneously combust. I have made time during my hectic schedule of sweating, not being able to sleep, swimming and more sweating to make sure I was all caught up on Neighbours though, because this week the proverbial finally hit the fan. Ohh, a fan. That’s a good idea….

Taye is Being Blackmailed

Taye has decided to give up escorting after one too many close shaves, but his client Lydia has other ideas. She was pretty intense when she was one of Byron’s clients, and she’s formed a similar attachment to Taye, but Taye is adamant that he’s out of the escorting game and that he won’t be seeing her agin.

When Taye comes round to Cara and Remi’s house, he finds them entertaining one of Cara’s instructors from the police academy and, of course, it’s Lydia. An awkward meal ensues, and then Lydia gets down to brass tacks – if Taye doesn’t continue to see her, she’s going to make life difficult for Cara at the academy. Taye doesn’t budge at first, but then Lydia brings one of Cara’s exams forward, which she hasn’t prepared for, just to illustrate to Taye how much she can mess with Cara. So Taye relents and goes back to “servicing” Lydia.

Blackmailing someone into a sexual relationship that they no longer want to be in – that’s some form of assault, no? This is not OK, and it’s all going to end up being very messy. Hopefully it will end up with Lydia being fired, but I just don’t want her to take Cara and Taye down with her.

Detective Paul

Paul knows there’s something going on with Darcy, and he has his suspicions that Darcy is responsible for Karl’s condition, which turns out not to be a stroke at all. I was expecting him to phone John Wong, like he does in every other mysterious situation, but instead he decides to go all Poirot and solve it himself.

Sadie finally decides that some of Amanda’s money can go to Jane and the family, because Nicolette has relentlessly bullied her into it, and when Darcy hears about it he flies off the handle. Paul is curious why Darcy would care where Amanda’s money is going. He also speaks to Tess about Darcy’s business dealings and the lies he’s told, and starts to piece things together.

When it transpires that Amanda’s investments have been transferred to Darcy, the jig is up. But Darcy has the uncanny ability to always be lurking in the background to see who Paul is talking to about him, so he knows that his time is running out, and there’s also still no proof that Darcy was the one who poisoned Karl.

Meanwhile, Darcy manages to sneak back into the hospital and drug Karl again, so the improvements he was making as the drugs wore off are reversed, and he’s back to being unable to move or communicate.

The final piece of the puzzle comes in the form of some missing medication from Eirini, which is on the list of drugs that can mimic the effects of a stroke. Susan puts this all together, but despite knowing how dangerous Darcy is, she winds up in the house alone with him. Obviously Darcy tries to drug Susan, but she cleverly switches the mugs when he’s not looking, and it’s Darcy who ends up being drugged.

It’s now that Susan starts to question whether she should keep trusting psychopathic maniacs with a previous record of crimes, and THE ANSWER IS NO, SUSAN.

Darcy’s Done

So the mystery is solved. Everyone now knows that Darcy drugged Karl, stole Amanda’s money and more than likely chucked her off the cliff, but he’s not talking. I would still like someone to explain to me why he didn’t just hotfoot it into the distance when he got Amanda’s two million dollars. Why did he need to hang around, arouse suspicion and try to get Tess involved in it all too? It doesn’t make a lot of sense to me, he could have been in another country by now rather than being fitted for some natty green prison jogging bottoms.

Sadie and Byron Are Definitely Not Getting Back Together

Byron seemingly didn’t listen to a single word Sadie said when she broke up with him, because now that “all the Darcy stuff” is wrapped up, he expects to be able to pick things up with Sadie where they left off. First he offers her money for corrective scar surgery, which I found deeply weird, then he tries to kiss her in the pub when all Sadie is doing is starting to try to navigate being friends with him again.

When did Byron become so clueless? His character arc is giving me whiplash, honestly. When he first joined the show he was this rebellious jack-the-lad escort, then he was transformed into this super sweet human Labrador, and now he seems like he could be starting his villain origin story – becoming a cold-hearted lawyer who’ll strong-arm his girlfriend into going against Amanda’s final wishes. I’m not OK with this most recent transformation.

I’m Not Convinced About Colton

Colton starts work at Eirini Rising, and Terese immediately warms to him because he manages to prevent a mass exodus from the complex following Darcy’s arrest. Quite honestly, it should have taken more than some “we’re all in the same boat” platitudes to prevent people from leaving. How many disasters and near deaths does one retirement complex have to have before someone comes along and shuts it down?

But Colton’s main purposes in Erinsborough seem to be to get on my nerves and mess with Aaron getting together with Rhett, which WE ALL KNOW should be who he ends up with. Colton is way too serious and earnest – I don’t trust him. He’s also absolutely massive, which gives me the ick for some reason. Did you see him standing next to Terese? He looked like Arnold Schwarzenegger with one of the kids from Kindergarten Cop. He must be about nine feet tall.

Is this just the usual thing where I don’t like new characters? Or is he going to turn out to be an utter coin? Jury’s out.

Rhett is so much more likeable, and honestly showing up at the yoga class with Colton and Aaron was a king move. Hilarious.

Aaron can’t decide between the two of them, so he decides to date them both. I’m on board, providing everyone knows that’s what the situation is, and also providing that Aaron plumps for Rhett in the end.

Things seem to be heating up between Aaron and Colton, but when Aaron suggests they go back to his for an afternoon delight, Colton leaves the coffee shop faster than Vera would make her way to a free strip show. Good. Team Rhett all the way!

Holly Does a Holly

Things between Wendy and Andrew are still very frosty, and Wendy ends up sodding off to Murrayville to escape the tension. Let’s hope she decides to stay there.

Unluckily for Andrew, Holly is there to pick up being absolutely mad where Wendy left off. She decides that it’s somehow now her job to investigate Andrew’s biological family – something which he has asked exactly nobody to do to – and she phones his biological dad to find out if he is actually a horrible drunk like his sister told Wendy.

I’m sorry, but when is everyone going to stop badgering poor Andrew about his biological family? Tracking down family is a huge decision for an adopted person to make, and everyone seems hellbent on not giving Andrew any say in the matter. Can everyone just leave the poor man alone?

A Few Random Notes

As usual, here are a few random notes I took while watching Neighbours this week:

  • Wait! Did he just introduce himself as Brett? It’s the return of BRhett – even he doesn’t know his name. 
  • Aaron’s look of existential dread at the push-up comp was hilarious.
  • “Aaron! Stop clutching your pearls!” Nicolette might be a cow, but she’s funny. 
  • Darcy has entered the stage of being an unhinged maniac where he’s so angry he wobbles. 
  • Vera is leading a rebellion! Also, her red lip is immaculate. 
  • LOVE Vera calling Colton a shiny object that Terese is trying to distract her with. 
  • Aaron: “He offered me his ear and his shoulder but what if he never goes lower than that?”
  • Holly: “I had to get involved.” No. You didn’t. 

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