I have quite a lot of questions after this week’s Neighbours, so let’s not muck about with any preamble and get straight into my round-up of last week’s episodes instead.

Mackenzie and Haz are Hopeless

Mackenzie has feelings for Haz, and for some reason the way she decides to try to bond with him is by setting up a romantic wine-drinking session by the pool, and then wanging on for hours about her dead husband. Now, I know that Hendrix was a big part of her life, but bending your crush’s ear by telling them all about the late love of your life seems like a massive mood killer to me. I don’t know why she thought this was the way to get things up and running with a new romance.

Haz lets Mackenzie talk, then immediately runs off to attend to a booty call. Mackenzie sees his overnight playmate leaving the next morning and is utterly devastated, and Sadie is furious, going to the coffee shop to tell Haz that he needs to be “more sensitive” about his hook-ups. Can you blame the poor guy? I can’t imagine a bigger sign that someone is not romantically interested in you than them giving you a detailed account of why their late partner was the bee’s knees.

Byron is a Double Agent

Another weird relationship situation is Reece and Byron, who are getting it on again, all while Byron acts as a bit of a double agent. He’s making Paul think that he’s spying on Reece, when really what he’s mostly doing is passing information from Paul to her, and Paul hasn’t quite figured out how she’s managing to stay one step ahead of him yet. Things have been strained between Paul and Reece anyway but when this all comes tumbling down, which it obviously will soon, Paul will be furious and there’ll be out-and-out war between them. I love me a bit of angry, vengeful Paul, so we’re all in for some fun, which will be welcome because Byron and Reece as a couple are really quite dull.

JJ’s Secret is Revealed

In a revelation that shocks nobody, JJ tells Dexter that he suspects Andrew Rodwell is his father. It’s all a bit vague and convoluted – Andrew was set to help a friend of one of JJ’s mums, Philippa, have a baby, but she lost her nerve and gave the “deposit” to JJ’s mum, with JJ being the end result. JJ goes snooping at the Rodwells’ house to find some proof that Andrew is his father and gets caught in the act by Sadie. Later, Wendy’s watch goes missing and Sadie jumps to the conclusion that JJ stole it while he was being weird at their house, leading to an absolute slanging match between the two families in the middle of the street.

JJ from Neighbours
Photo: FremantleMedia Australia / Amazon Freevee

On top of this, the Varga-Murphys have pulled off the quickest house-buy in real estate history, and are now permanent residents of the street, making things ten times more awkward with the Rodwells.

I have some questions about this whole situation. Firstly, why did these people think it was OK to play pass the parcel with someone else’s sperm? Secondly, if Andrew was going to help Philippa conceive a baby, would her best friend not know about him? Wouldn’t she recognise him when she moved into Ramsay Street? Presumably she knew the sperm had come from a man, rather than her thinking she’d had a visit from some sort of sperm fairy? Thirdly, if JJ was looking for evidence of his parentage at the Rodwells’ house, why was his first port of call the photo album? What exactly was he hoping to find a photo of that was going to prove Andrew was his dad? I mean, I dread to think.

What he did find was a photo of Andrew and Philippa, which proves next to nothing, unless JJ thinks you can get pregnant from standing near someone.

Lastly, precisely what is the tattoo on Andrew’s left arm? Is it a gorilla? A happy little Buddha? I couldn’t see it properly, but I desperately need to know.

What on Earth is Wrong With Wendy?

Sticking with the Rodwells, can someone please explain to me what exactly is wrong with Wendy and why she can’t just be normal? I’ve always found it deeply unsettling that everyone on Ramsay Street just wanders into each other’s houses without knocking, because if one of my neighbours walked into my house I would scream, throw the TV remote at them and then call the police.

Finally, in the Varga-Murphys, we have some residents who also find it really weird when they come home and randomly find Wendy in their house, and Wendy doesn’t make the situation any better by acting like an absolute psychopath as she makes excuses for her presence and then leaves, awkwardly gabbling all the way. The best bit was when she said “Off I go! Hooroo!” as she finally flapped her way to the door. So very, very odd.

As if she hadn’t made enough of a tit of herself there, she then goes for the world’s most awkward job interview for a job she isn’t remotely qualified for and finishes the interview with “Give me an L, give me an A!”, from which I can only surmise that she was planning to spell out the whole of “Lassiters” before Reece stopped her. She’s just so, so weird.

Neighbours Wendy and Sadie Rodwell
Photo: Amazon Freevee / Ray Messner

Evil Nell

Nell is still being evil and trying to split up Toadie and Terese. She knows that her dad never destroyed the letter that Melanie sent to explain why she left, so she makes sure that Terese finds it. When Terese confronts Toadie about it, he reveals that whatever the reason was for her departure, it will absolutely destroy the kids, so he doesn’t want them to see it. Toadie tells Terese that because the kids always talk of her so fondly, he kept the letter to remind himself not to listen to their propaganda, and presumably to remind him that he likes Terese better? Does he really need a letter that he can look at to check he likes his current wife better than the woman who walked out on him?

Neighbours Toadie and Nell
Photo: FremantleMedia Australia / Amazon Freevee

Incidentally, Terese identifies the letter as being in Melanie’s handwriting, but I can confidently say that that letter was typewritten using a script-like font, so unless Melanie is a computer, Terese definitely doesn’t have a future as a handwriting analyst ahead of her.

In the end, Nell’s plan backfires, because Toadie does a ceremonious burning of the letter, and all is well between him and Terese once more. “I don’t need a letter to remind me what Mel did,” he says, despite the fact that he kept the letter for the sole purpose of reminding him what Mel did.

Everyone Can Stop Panicking About Harold

To end on a happy note, it seems that Harold’s memory loss might be down to a clash of his medications rather than anything more serious, which is a massive relief to me because I can’t stand Harold being unhappy or unwell. I know it’s daft because I am very aware he is not real, but I found the thought of Harold having dementia genuinely distressing.

Neighbours - Harold Bishop and Karl Kennedy sitting at a table.
Photo: FremantleMedia Australia / Amazon Freevee

Now, I have never had the greatest confidence in Karl’s ability as a doctor, but one would hope that if you were looking into the medical background of someone suffering from memory loss, you might rely on something a bit more solid than merely asking the person with the memory loss what medications they were on. I’m not a doctor, but I’m not sure relying on Harold to remember what he’s taking when he has suspected dementia was the best course of action.

Also, in this whole story about memory loss, why hasn’t it come up that Harold suffered from from amnesia for years? Why are we not talking about that? He thought he was called Ted and couldn’t remember his own wife for goodness’ sake. Even in Erinsborough, where people get amnesia like the rest of us get colds, you’d think it would be worth a mention. Come on, Karl! DO BETTER.