© Channel 5

I’m off on my travels to the frozen North to visit my brother again this week, so I am writing this having only seen as far as Thursday’s episode, which ended rather dramatically. I’ll have to wait until Monday to find out what happened there. In the meantime, here are my thoughts so far…

Melanie is Even Getting on Toadie’s Nerves

It seems I’m not the only person who is fed up of Melanie, because Toadie is starting to feel the same. She’s organising their social calendar with military precision, which I guess is what you get for dating your assistant. The trouble is, it’s not leaving Toadie with any time to himself, because Melanie is pretty much scheduling it so his every waking moment is spent with her. Honestly, I don’t know how he’s keeping his sanity. Yashvi can see he’s reaching the end of his tether, so she throws him a lifeline in the form of a lie about him having some work to do, then Toadie goes home to spend a blissful evening of watching wrestling in his pants with a big bowl of snacks. Because this is Neighbours, and literally nobody ever locks their doors, Melanie wanders in, so Toadie legs it out of the back door and over the fence into the Kennedys’ garden. On a sidenote, the not locking the doors thing drives me mad. You should see my front door – bolts, latches, locks, it’s like Fort Knox. I watch a lot of crime documentaries. These two things might be related.

Toadie escapes from Melanie. Photo: © Channel 5. Source: Digital Spy

Anyhow, the Kennedys spring Toadie in their garden in his undies, clutching his bowl of snacks (not a euphemism), and Susan reads him the riot act about lying to Melanie, but then invites him to stay for dinner. Despite wanting a night to himself, Toadie accepts, mostly because Melanie is still at his house, but then Melanie comes over in the middle of dinner, so Toadie has to confess that he lied in order to have a break. Melanie is obviously upset, but at least it means they have a conversation about Melanie’s punishing social calendar. Toadie needs to grow a bit of a backbone, if you ask me. There’s nothing wrong with saying that you need a quiet night to yourself, everyone understands the need for self-care these days, surely even Melanie.

The House of Trouser is Now My Literal Nightmare

On a related note, the old House of Trouser has turned into some sort of waking nightmare for me, because Amy now lives there, and Melanie is over all the time. If I was forced to spend more than five minutes there I would probably scream myself to death. It’s not a lot more enjoyable for Yashvi or Mackenzie either, as they’re being constantly bombarded by the housemate group chat, which Melanie has also been added to, and Amy has set up a punishing schedule of social activities for all of the housemates. I’m kind of excited for this living arrangement to crash and burn, because it’s going to be cathartic for me. The very thought of having to spend that much time with Melanie and Amy brings me out in a cold sweat.

UGH. Photo: © Channel 5. Source: Digital Spy

Poor Susan

Melanie is really getting a bashing today, but I cannot ignore the day from hell that Susan endured with Melanie at the spa. After she is so upset by the whole Toadie doing a runner incident, Susan kindly suggests her and Melanie spend the day together to get to know each other a bit better. Melanie books them into the day spa, then proceeds to witter on incessantly all day, and insult Susan’s dry, old skin several times. Terese wanders in halfway through their treatments, and Susan desperately invites her to join them so she’s not alone with Melanie for any longer, but Terese wisely declines. Susan’s sad little grabby hand as Terese left her there with the braying, intolerable Melanie was the highlight of my week. I feel you, Susan.

Levi is Doing Something Underhand That I’m Struggling to Care About

Levi’s been sneaking around doing something he shouldn’t be doing. It’s something to do with the people who beat him up when he was a kid, but I’m kind of struggling to care. Levi is sweet but kind of dull, and I thought him being a rule breaker might make him a bit more interesting, but it doesn’t really. Can the writers just give him a few storylines where he just has a nice time? What Levi needs is an upbeat montage of him having a fun time with Kyle, he’s way too sad at the moment.

Pierce Won’t Stop Meddling

Pierce is having a whale of a time meddling in Chloe and Nicolette’s relationship. He makes some barbed comments to Nicolette, and he already sowed some seeds of doubt in Chloe’s mind last week. On Chloe’s mum’s birthday, she’s understandably upset, but she hasn’t told Nicolette why. When Nicolette sees Pierce comforting Chloe at the Waterhole, because of course he’s remembered that it’s Fay’s birthday, Nicolette gets the wrong end of the stick and Pierce doesn’t correct her. Nicolette goes home and finds Chloe’s wedding album out on the coffee table and promptly tears it to pieces like a spiteful child. No matter what’s happening, that is gross behaviour. Everyone has a past, and even if relationships end, it doesn’t always mean that every part of that relationship should be erased from history, there will always be some good memories. Nicolette has no right whatsoever to be resentful of Chloe’s past and to destroy the photos. It did amuse me a little bit that everyone was acting like the photos were gone forever though. It’s the 21st century, didn’t the photographer give you the digital copies? Just get them reprinted, Chloe. I mean, how else did someone Photoshop New Pierce’s head on to all of them? But anyway, in summary, Nicolette is destined for the bin because that was an incredibly unhinged and petty thing to do, and if I was Chloe I’d be having serious doubts about being with someone who would do that. Red flags all over the place.

Amy is on Fire

The battle between Roxy and Amy continues. They’ve decided to pretend to get along and work together for the sake of both of their jobs, but the grudge between them has not gone anywhere. Roxy’s latest tactic is to come up with loads of good ideas in order to suck up to Terese and force Amy to take on more than she can cope with, in the hopes that it will lead to her making a mistake. One of her ideas is to do a breakfast barbecue before the Longest Workout Competition, and Terese loves it, so Amy now has to organise that on top of everything else. We already know that Amy and fire are not a good combination, and this proves to be true because she somehow manages to tip the barbecue over and set a load of boxes on fire. Roxy’s reaction made me laugh so much because she just does a Usain Bolt and sprints out of there at the speed of light as Thursday’s credits roll. I hope she was off to get a fire extinguisher rather than just booking it out of there and doing a Forrest Gump on us. Who knows though, because I haven’t seen Friday’s episode yet. Maybe she’s still running…

Fire and shell suits are surely not a good combination. Photo: © Channel 5. Source: Digital Spy