© Channel 5

Thank god for Neighbours because sometimes I don’t know what day it is anymore, and whether Neighbours is on the TV or not that day is a very helpful clue. There was plenty going on last week, so let’s crack on with a round-up of the UK episodes.

Hendrix. Is. Stressing. Me. Out.

Hendrix is still up to his ears in trouble, having lost a house that doesn’t even belong to him in a game of cards. At this point, I am finding this storyline so stressful, because I am just watching someone make one terrible decision after another. I tipped Ned to be the recipient of the 2021 Elly Conway Worst At Making Decisions Award, but at the moment I’d put my money on Hendrix, if I was a gambler.

Baddie Kane is forcing Hendrix to keep hosting the card games at number 24 and is practically measuring up to see if his furniture will fit now that he thinks the house belongs to him. He doesn’t know that Chloe owns the house, but he could be about to find out since her bestie, Nicolette, now knows about the card games. Nicolette is having her own money dramas, and so takes Kane up on his invitation to his card game, but is horrified when she finds out where it’s being held. After the game, she gets Hendrix to tell her what’s going on, and she finds out about him betting and losing the house. For some reason, she promises to keep it a secret from Chloe. Did anyone else find that strange? She hates Hendrix, and she’s never hesitated to dump him in it before. Okay, she was at an illegal card game herself, which is not the best look, but I think that information would very much fade into the background in the light of Hendrix having lost an entire house in a card game.

Meanwhile, Harlow is worrying about her boyfriend, so she tells Chloe there’s something going on with him. Hendrix is furious and lashes out at Harlow – one of the few people in his life who gives him sensible advice. So now the only person he’s listening to is Jay, who I wouldn’t trust with a pair of scissors, let alone any kind of decision that could land me in a situation where I’m getting death threats. Judging from the teaser at the end of Friday’s episode Hendrix is going to get a whole lot more stupid, so I should strap myself in for some more stress and find myself a few relaxing yoga workouts.

Melanie’s Back!

Resplendent in quite the most hideous purple kaftan and pink polo neck combination, Melanie has swept back into Erinsborough after several decades, and the good news is that she still laughs like a deranged sea lion. She immediately begins bending Des and Jane’s ears about their love life, and ribs Jane mercilessly about her on/off relationship with Clive. Out of Clive and Des, I know who I think is the better option relationship-wise, and it isn’t the bloke who has nothing to do but jump on a plane from Perth the second anyone phones him about seemingly anything. Never take relationship advice from someone who consults a psychic and dresses like the purple Quality Street.

Despite the kaftan, it’s lovely to see Melanie joining the other old faces. Photo: © Channel 5. Source: Digital Spy

Dipi in “Putting Someone Else’s Interests First” Shocker

Dipi never seemed to put Shane first in any decision she made when they were married, which is one of the reasons they ended up in the situation they’re in at the moment. But suddenly, now they’ve split up, she’s hellbent on trying to make him happy. It’s a little bit late for that, Dipi, don’t you think? She wants to get back together with Shane, but has been giving him precisely the opposite signals, and so it’s no wonder that when she goes to find him at The Hive, Shane is in the process of getting Amy out of that absolutely horrific new Lassiters blouse. And no, I’m still not over how ugly that fabric is.

Despite the fact that Dipi is heartbroken to see Shane with Amy, she tells him to go for it. It’s amazing that no matter whether she’s putting herself first or someone else, Dipi is still able to sabotage her own marriage. It’s really quite astounding.

neighbours amy shane dipi
No wonder she wants to get that blouse off. Photo: © Channel 5. Source: Digital Spy

Sheila Has Finally Lost Her Mind

Sheila is going a bit bunny boiler with the whole Clive situation and it’s starting to make me feel icky. She’s kicked up so much of a fuss about Clive being with Jane that they’ve paused their relationship, and now she’s doing her best to monopolize Clive’s time and drop not very subtle hints about her interest in rekindling the relationship, while at the same time putting the hapless Des up to causing trouble between Jane and Clive. Why is Clive going along with it? He’s said he doesn’t want to be with Sheila anymore, he wants to be with Jane. Yes, Sheila is unwell and doesn’t need extra stress, but she’s also an adult and should be behaving a bit more like one. We can’t always have the things we want – I know this because if we could I would be living in a windmill with my 15 impeccably behaved dogs. So what if she’s unhappy with Clive dating Jane? They need to get on with it and she needs to get over it. I love Sheila ordinarily, but she’s being weird and I’m not here for it.

Can We All Stop Talking About Gary’s Sausage?

I thought when Finn shot Gary with that crossbow that we would never again hear anything saucy about Gary, but last week nobody would stop talking about his sausage. Fortunately, they were talking about an actual sausage, but there was enough sexual innuendo to bring down an entire flock of pigeons. Kyle saying to Paul that he was never going to beat Gary’s sausage was in equal parts hilarious and nauseating.

And it wasn’t the only thing that was nauseating, because there is about to be a lot of drama concerning Gary’s sausage. Or Kyle’s sausage, to be more accurate. Roxy is in charge of getting the ingredients for the dish that Kyle is entering into the Erinsborough Best Dish Competition. She forgets the mushrooms, and because she’s not exactly Mensa material, she gathers a load of wild mushrooms that are growing behind the tram. They then cook up Gary’s sausage (sigh) with the wild mushroom gravy and feed it to the unwitting competition judge, who then promptly hurls it all back up in the car park. It was a very big vat of mushroom gravy that Roxy cooked, so something tells me there are going to be a few more Ramsay Street residents praying to the porcelain god next week. Maybe Roxy should stick to making saucy videos rather than actual sauce…

Not a fan of Gary’s sausage. Photo: © Channel 5. Source: Digital Spy