Gaming

The Seven Stages of PS5 Grief

I am a Playstation 5, a new generation of gaming hardware … and I am mighty!

I was assembled in just over 30 seconds at the factory in Kisarazu, Japan (Google it, it’s true. Now get over it). Thirty-two of my robot brethren fitted me together (I endured the ministrations of the two humans fiddling with the motherboard cable and the second set that packaged me, yuck!!) and now am on my way to America! Maybe I’ll be part of some hot e-sports team with a really cool name and a dominant record against lesser competition, or perhaps be used to extend the boundaries of science like many veteran PS3 units did when they were ganged together in Cambridge back in 2006, or perhaps even I might add my spare computational hours to help fight diseases like 15 million PS3 comrades did during the folding@home project that ended in 2016 — Can you tell I really admire the PS3? Well, I do.

But wait. What’s this? What’s this … thing?

Source: Wendys

Who is this Wendy? Is she an e-gamer? Maybe she’s top e-gamer that bends opponents to her will.

No. She’s a … brand. A food brand. Wait; what is food? Oh, yes. Stuff humans eat.

But this Wendy works with e-gamers, right? TFUE, FLIGHT, itsHafu, xChocoBars, and Myth? They’re listed with Wendy. That’s got to be good, right?

No. They’re working with this Wendy, this brand Wendy, on a … a contest. They’re lending Wendy their status in the multi-gazillion-dollar e-sports industry to this “Never Stop Gaming” contest.

And [SHOCK!!] I’m the prize.

This can’t be good. Hold on … My serial number is being downloaded, fitted into a slot … and … assigned.

Edwina Tossocks, 532 E. Lansing St., Apt. 32, Lockjaw MI  48001

Is that my new owner? It simply can’t be. I was made for greatness and this Edwina Tossocks is a … grandma! Oh, the horror!! It must be my fault, something I did back at the factory in Kisarazu, Japan. Maybe my robot brethren had it out for me. If only I could return and sort this out. But, actually, why should I? It isn’t my fault, it’s Wendy’s fault. She did this!! I’ll get her. I’ll do something if I … if I could, but I can’t. I’m so small and so boxed in and powerless. It’s so unfair, unfair for me and the world and all the powerful e-gamers in the world that I might have been sent to.

But wait … maybe it’s not all that bad. Edwina Tossocks might be an e-gamer … an e-gamer grandma. Or she might know e-gamers, or be planning to give me as a present to an e-gamer, or maybe just to a gamer, or someone who will stream world-class entertainment through me. It may not be that bad after all. I’ll give it a chance, and if it doesn’t work out, well …

… there’s always Ebay.

Have you ever won a contest that involved game merch? Or any game-related contest at all? I wanna know about it in the Comments section. Tell me (and my burgeoning readership), but don’t worry … we won’t let anyone else in on it!

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