© Channel 5

It was an enjoyable week on Neighbours last week, which is a good job because it came in the same week that Channel 5 announced that Neighbours will be taking a break over Christmas, which means we will be getting no nearer to catching up with Australia. It’s stupid. I understand that they’re concerned with the pandemic halting filming, but if that happens, we could just go without episodes at the same time that Australian viewers do. I don’t understand the point of them pre-emptively rationing the episodes in the UK like this, it’s so much more fun when we’re in line with our friends on the other side of the world. Sort it out, Channel 5.

That’s my rant over, so here is the round-up of last week’s UK episodes.

Paul Has No Self-Awareness

One of my favourite things last week was when Terese and Harlow found out the real reason behind Pierce selling his share of the hotel to Paul. They’re both understandably furious with him, and he is so lacking in self-awareness that he genuinely asks, “Why am I the bad guy?”. Oh, I don’t know, maybe it’s because you used someone’s extra-marital affair as leverage to get an insanely cheap deal on buying back the half of the hotel you don’t own any more? Honestly, it’s like his moral compass is so skewed by now that he doesn’t even register something like blackmail as a dubious and probably criminal act.

Kyle is Still Trying to Meddle

Kyle is about as subtle as a bucket of custard at the best of times, and he is right in the middle of it with Levi after his ham-fisted attempts to get his cousin some closure on the attack that left him with epilepsy. After Kyle summons Packo to Erinsborough to apologize to Levi for attacking him, Packo and Bea take a shine to each other, and Kyle is horrified to see them in the place where all hot dates seem to happen in Erinsborough – the pavilion. Meanwhile, Levi has decided he is going to meet up with Packo, and he asks Bea to go with him for moral support, so she is about to find out that her new crush is the person who beat Levi up when he was a kid. As predicted, Kyle’s meddling in someone else’s life is going to go completely belly up. Cannings – they’re made of tough stuff and they never, ever learn from their past mistakes.

The pavilion is the place to be. Photo: © Channel 5. Source: Digital Spy.

Dipi and Yashvi Are Competing to be the Worst

I can’t get my breath for Dipi and Yashvi this week, I just can’t. I’m not the biggest fan of Shane and lord knows he’s made some pretty big mistakes, but the man has just found out that his wife, who he clearly adores, has been having an affair. His whole world has been turned upside-down, and he’s still in the process of recovering from his drug addiction too, so you’d think his family would be concerned about his welfare, but no, it appears not. Toadie cares, as does Mackenzie, who is not even related to him. Dipi and Yashvi, on the other hand, are acting like Shane is the one who’s done something wrong, and Yashvi seems downright furious with him. I understand that his drug dependency pushed the limits of his relationship with Dipi, and that it was one of the contributing factors to her having an affair, but at the end of the day, it was her who flashed her boobs at Pierce and then repeatedly hopped into bed with him. Dipi is refusing to speak with Shane and provide him with the explanations that he definitely deserves, and Yashvi is acting like Shane is the villain in this piece, and giving him no support or sympathy whatsoever. It’s like they’re competing with each other to see who can be the most awful.

Toadie’s Explosive Evening With Audrey

Toadie has a quasi date with Audrey, the most boring woman on earth. Bore-drey, if you will. For some reason, he seems to have taken a bit of a shine to her. First, it was Rose, and now Bore-drey, I am starting to think that Finn knocked all the good taste out of Toadie’s head when he clonked him with that rock. The trouble with their faux date is he also invites Karl along so they can talk about fundraising ideas for Movember. I thought that having Karl present would make it the worst possible date in the history of romance, but things reach a whole new level when Karl and Toadie both end up with debilitating diarrhea after Toadie inadvertently uses Chloe and Pierce’s “foot wine” in the pasta sauce. Of course, because Bore-drey is the most irritatingly saintly woman on the face of the earth, she doesn’t seem at all perturbed by her dinner being ruined by both of the other attendees doing some sort of bathroom relay race. Diarrhea aside, my main takeaway from this whole debacle is the foot wine. I have a few questions. Firstly, if it’s so noxious that it causes your guts to fall out, what is the point of making it? What’s it for if you can’t drink it? Secondly, what in the heck is wrong with Chloe and Pierce’s feet that they can create a wine so gastrically devastating? I need answers.

Bore-drey. Photo: © Channel 5. Source: Digital Spy.

Karl’s Soul Patch

I cannot let last week slide by without talking a little bit about Karl’s new facial hair. He’s come back from Switzerland sporting some really rather disturbing face furniture, saying it is in aid of Movember. As a quick aside, I very much enjoyed Karl and Susan unpacking their suitcases in the living room, which is of course a perfectly normal and reasonable thing to do. Anyway, I’m not a huge fan of mustaches in general. I’m a firm believer that there are three living humans who can pull off a mustache and they are Oscar Isaac, Pedro Pascal, and Taika Waititi. They look terrible on absolutely everyone else and nobody else should even bother to attempt one. I need to explain this to make it obvious how strongly I feel about this abomination on Karl’s face because it turns out that the mustache isn’t even the worst bit about his facial hair. No. It’s the soul patch. It’s so awful I want to erase it from my memory, but I can’t. Make it go away, please? How far behind are we in the UK now? Can an Aussie let me know if he shaved it off when Neighbours hit December on Australian time? I’m traumatized.

Pierce in Peril

Last week we actually had a good old cliffhanger for Friday afternoon, as a rather breathless and manic-sounding Pierce collapsed dramatically at the front door. I knew Pierce was leaving, but I didn’t know how he was going to be written out because I do my best to avoid spoilers. Let me tell you if this is how he’s going to leave, then I am here for it. I am genuinely excited to see what happens on Monday. It’s actually Unmissable Drama!