Photo: © Channel 5. Source: Digital Spy.

It’s one of those weeks where I have to write this on Thursday, so this is only a round-up of the UK’s episodes from Monday to Thursday last week. But there is plenty to talk about, as Ned is still sad and confused, Erinsborough police are hopeless and Dipi is proving to have quite possibly the worst taste in men in television history.

Gnome More Clive and Sheila

After the gnome stunt failed so miserably, Clive is still desperate to get Sheila back so, rather than do his pretty important job at the hospital, he spends most of the day bunking off to have fake dates with Jane and Beverley in a bid to make Sheila jealous. Sheila remains the picture of calm, so neither woman ends up wearing her dinner instead of eating it, and it’s at this point that Clive realises that all might not be what it seems with their break-up. He eventually gets Sheila to admit that she forged Levi’s medical report, it is the final straw for Clive and he accepts her decision for them to end their relationship. I am so sad about this because I dearly love Clive, and I liked these two together. I hope this doesn’t mean Clive will be leaving, he’s just such a good egg and I don’t want him to go.

Clive’s finally had enough. Photo: © Channel 5. Source: Digital Spy.

Shane Goes Full Gary

Dear lord, Dipi can pick them can’t she? For ages, hapless buffoon Gary was one of Dipi’s best friends, and things even got saucy between them in the spa that one time. Since Gary’s untimely death, Shane has been doing his best to fill Gary’s shoes – and I don’t mean by being a good friend to Dipi and snogging her in a hot tub – I mean by being an utter idiot. This time his idiocy takes the form of him trying to steal evidence from Erinsborough police, which I can’t think would even be that difficult considering how little they appear to care for it, but Shane manages to get himself caught and charged with evidence tampering. So not only is he facing a criminal charge, he has humiliated his police officer daughter yet again, and probably made it look like she was putting him up to doing the evidence stealing. What an absolute moron Shane is being lately. There is no wonder that Dipi is at the end of her tether with him. I’m at the end of my tether with him and he’s not my soap opera husband.

Pierce Remembers He is a Parent

If further evidence was needed that Dipi really does have the most appalling taste in men, the caveman king of white man privilege, Pierce, has finally remembered this week that he has a teenage son he’s supposed to be parenting. Between banging Dipi, fighting with Chloe and his downright bizarre fixation with Nicolette, Pierce hasn’t had time to be a parent and has just been letting Hendrix live his life. Now he’s suddenly realised, about ten minutes before Hendrix’s exams start, that he has some big decisions to make about what he’s going to do next year. It’s a little bit late to suddenly decide to be a parent now, Pierce. Maybe you should have made some time in your busy arguing and adultery schedule to have this chat with your son a few months ago. Honestly, what does Dipi see in him? He might be a billionaire, but he’s also a bit of a turd.

Erinsborough Police Are Absolutely Useless

We all already knew that Erinsborough police are not the best, but they have really excelled themselves with this investigation into Scarlett’s disappearance. Ned has been having flashbacks, and is convinced that he killed Scarlett, so he decides to confess to the crime, even though he says he can’t remember how or where he killed her, or where he put her body. Despite not even being sure that Scarlett is dead, because they haven’t found her body, Erinsborough police take Ned’s confession at face value and decide there’s absolutely no need to do any more investigating. Case closed. This perpetually confused man says he killed a lady, there was some mention of a maze and some blood which nobody really understood, but that’s good enough for them. They’re just going to charge him and not waste time trying to uncover any more pesky evidence to prove it one way or another. Great work, Erinsborough police!

He says he did it so that’s good enough for them. Photo: © Channel 5. Source: Digital Spy.

Scarlett is Having a Good Old Lurk

Meanwhile, Scarlett is clearly not dead, because she’s lurking behind a big picture of a lady in Ned’s pointless art studio, she’s even cut out the lady’s eye so she can peep through it menacingly. It’s so unsubtle, I am half expecting her to turn up on a bench in the hotel complex looking through a newspaper with eyeholes cut in it. She hears Bea absolutely slating her while she tidies the place up for Ned, and so the next location she goes and lurks is at the garage, where she fiddles with something important-looking in a van. She’s not even wearing a disguise, she’s dressed in her usual Barbie doll getup and sitting in the van for everyone to see. But let’s face it, the entire Erinsborough police force could troop past the garage to get a burger at Grease Monkey’s and not a single one of them would notice her, so I can see why she’s not bothering to be too sneaky.

The very much not dead Scarlett. Photo: © Channel 5. Source: Digital Spy.

I can’t wait to see what she gets up to next!