Photo: © Channel 5. Source: Digital Spy.

Last week was a really fun week on Ramsay Street, and I have so much to talk about that it’s going to be an effort not to write an actual dissertation. So, the less waffle the better – here is the round-up of last week’s UK episodes.

Ned’s in Big Trouble

Things have gone from bad to worse for Ned, who I think is currently Erinsborough’s unluckiest resident. He hosts his art exhibition in some old warehouse that is less suitable for an art exhibition than the place where he works, where he could have held it for free. This is Ned, and there’s just no point in questioning his decisions. A few of the neighbours and a couple of other randoms come to see his incredibly generic portraits, and the big unveiling of his presumably incredibly dull portrait of Yashvi is ruined because it has been replaced by the one he did of Scarlett. She then strides in, delivers a manic monologue, and then Ned chases her and doesn’t turn up again until the following morning. There’s no sign of Scarlett anywhere, so Ned immediately comes under suspicion and is dragged to the police station. This is Erinsborough police, where there’s no such thing as a conflict of interests, so his girlfriend ends up being the one questioning him and heading up the investigation, along with one of his neighbours.

Ned being only slightly more oblivious to what’s happening than when he’s awake. Photo: © Channel 5. Source: Digital Spy.

It seems that Scarlett is trying to frame Ned for her disappearance, planting evidence and faking an altercation that looks very dodgy on CCTV, while Ned just stands there looking dim and not questioning what on earth she’s doing. One thing that has consistently amused me throughout this whole storyline is that people keep discussing “what Ned is capable of”, and I choose to interpret these comments as sly digs about Ned’s intelligence, and I will not be persuaded otherwise. The other highlight is Toadie saying “Surely Ned’s smart enough not to say anything incriminating,” as he saunters off to court, leaving Ned to be questioned without legal representation. Ned is doomed.

Pierce’s Caveman Routine Gets Even Creepier

Pierce has been acting like some sort of awful alpha male for weeks now, and he hits peak caveman as he sees an interaction between Nicolette and her friend Audrey, during which Audrey looks decidedly uncomfortable. Pierce comes galloping over on his horse made of money and male privilege to be the white knight who saves her. He assures her that she can trust him and is safe with him, managing to be way more creepy than reassuring. He then continues this caveman trajectory in his personal life by trying to smooth over the cracks in his marriage by presenting Chloe with a huge diamond necklace rather than talking anything over with her. He seriously could not be more of a rich white man right now.

It’s a Good Job Dipi Has a Great Bra On

In the unlikely event that I unexpectedly find myself in a hotel room with a billionaire, and I should happen to “accidentally” reveal my bra while trying on a diamond necklace – because that’s a thing that happens – what the billionaire would be getting an eyeful of would probably be a saggy old M&S workhorse, rather than some lace-up saucy red thing. Good for you Dipi, bless you for not giving up on life as I have. Anyway, Dipi isn’t in need of her underwear for very long, as she and Pierce immediately get down to business. They’re now trying to fool themselves that they’ve “got it out of their system”, which I don’t think is a thing when it comes to cheating on your partners, but OK then…

Bad things keep happening in this hotel room. Photo: © Channel 5. Source: Digital Spy.

Karl and Jane Go Cold Turkey

I thought this storyline had ended, but no! It’s back! Karl and Jane promise Susan that they will stop bickering about who’s going to pay for David and Aaron’s ceiling after their disastrous attempt to hide all their couponing stash in their loft, but they clearly have every intention to keep on bargain hunting. Susan, a woman on the edge, puts her foot down and bans them from any more bulk-buying, saying they have to go cold turkey and stop, or Jane will have to move out. It’s all so ridiculous, and I love Karl getting so puffed up and indignant. This storyline is the gift that keeps on giving, and I can’t wait for the next installment.

Gnomeo and Juliet

I thought that Kyle’s stupidest injury ever was going to be that time when he looked at a solar eclipse with his naked eyes and went temporarily blind, but no, because he somehow manages to fall and burn himself whilst trying to catch a barbecue that is knocked over by a man dressed as a gnome. That’s a sentence I never thought I would have to type, but I’m glad I did. The reason all this happens is that Clive decides the best way to win Sheila back is to dress as a gnome and barbecue some meat in her garden. At this point, I don’t even know what to say about this, other than it is Neighbours silliness in all its glory, and I am here for it.

This photo is glorious. Photo: © Channel 5. Source: Digital Spy.