For all the singletons out there who think they might need a new approach to finding love, Neighbours came to the rescue last week with three very different, and rather unconventional, approaches to try.
- The Scarlett Method
This one requires quite a lot of work. First you need to make yourself an unhinged-looking scrapbook of your intended, complete with torn photos and pictures where you’ve creepily scribbled out everyone’s eyes. Next you need to somehow inject yourself into every aspect of your true love’s life, and do as much as you can to stir up trouble amongst their friends, family and any love rivals there might be.
The next point is key to the whole thing, and that is to invent yourself a tragic back story, or possibly a current drama that is threatening your safety. What the heck, you could even do both of those things for added impact. Throw in a little bit of creepy stalking, and you too could successfully get your crush into bed. Well, you could providing they’re as oblivious to everything as Ned.
Scarlett’s approach to love is utterly deranged and pretty hard work, but you’ve got to give her some credit because, somehow, it actually worked.
- The Sheila Method
This technique requires altogether less work and is arguably a lot more fun, but it takes some balls. The first thing you need to do is get on the wines and spy on your ex and their new squeeze, shouting a few salty remarks through the window.
Once you’ve done that, get yourself all dolled up, maybe have a couple more wines, and then gatecrash whatever social engagement your ex and their new partner are in the middle of. Make sure you get in as many sly digs as possible and, with any luck, things will end up in a slanging match where you’ll be able to hurl a few choice insults.
Now, most people would expect this level of crazy behaviour to have the exact opposite effect of winning back your ex, but if you’re as stone-cold awesome as Sheila Canning, you’ll have your ex swooping in for a kiss faster than you can call anyone a shrivelled mung bean.
- The Hendrix Method
This one is quite extreme, but if all else fails you can try being an utter wand to everyone, especially the person you have a crush on, and then stealing a car. Wait for your crush to enter some sort of flimsy structure – a gazebo is perfect – and then drive the stolen car into it as fast as you can.
It’s nuts, but hey, it seems to be working for Hendrix, because although Harlow is pretending not to be interested, one thinks the lady doth protest too much. Most of us can see a mile off that this odd couple are going to end up together, probably much to the consternation of her friends and relatives.
So, there you have it. If you’ve been unlucky in love yourself, why not try one of these wacky methods?
Except, don’t. Because they’re all utterly, utterly bonkers.