Marvel Spider-man

Leaked Emails Detailing Sony’s Spiderman Plans Pre MCU Deal!

This just in: Details on potential scripts for an upcoming Sony Pictures Spiderman movie have surfaced via leaked emails! With Sony and Marvel coming to a deal this past week, things sure turned out for the better. Don’t take my word for it. Here are just a few of the pitches that were uncovered…

Tim Burton’s Spiderman

*Scene: Rooftop at night. Spiderman spies on a dastardly group of robbers breaking into a bank. They are wearing Michael Keaton masks and stripey suits. Spiderman leaps in to a Danny Elfman ditty and lands amongst them.*

Spiderman: (Removes mask to reveal his face) (Tim’s note: I’m getting Depp for this role. Stop with the budget questions.)

Robber A: “Who are y…, oh wait. Nevermind.”

(Tim’s note: Someone please check that Jonny isn’t researching actual spiders for this role. I have a bad feeling about that.)

Spiderman: “A little late for a withdrawal, wouldn’t you say, mateys?”

Robber B: “Umm, do we like, shoot him?”

*Robbers open fire. Que Danny Elfman jingle. SpiderDepp drunkenly sways around the bullets doing a bunch of stuff with his eyes.*

Spiderman: “That’s enough noise outta you punks. It’s late and there are noise ordinances.”

Robber A: “One sec. Are you like a cop or a pirate? I need a minute. ”

Spiderman: “I am literally a spider.”

(This line is where my concern comes in.-Tim)

*The bank suddenly explodes, sending Deppyman and the robbers flying across the street. Rhino emerges from the fiery chaos. (played by Helena Bonham Carter <3 u wifey!).*

That’s not all! Even more directors wanted a shot at the webslinger:

Quentin Tarantino’s Spiderman

Scene: *”Sugar, Sugar” by the Archies plays in the background.*

*A man sits bloodied, tied to a chair. His face is obscured by a black sack, but his pleas for release are distinctly the voice of J. Jonah Jamieson *

J.J.: (muffled, through the sack) “Look, I already told you. If you cut me loose, I’ll tell you who Spiderman is.

(Director Note: can we get Christoph Waltz in for a read on this character? If he’s busy, call Chris Walken.)

Electro: (dancing over to the chorus holding a bucket of water)

” You know, when I was seventeen, I used to work at a deli in little Italy. Sometimes, there’d be this beautiful girl there. Short, molasses brown hair. Deep, green eyes. She always got an egg salad sandwich on rye. She was so…*sigh* GODDAMN pretty that I…well…Trouble was, the only time I saw her was determined by chance. One minute, there she was. The next minute she’d walk out that door and disappear into the sea eight million people who live in this city. It’s.. remarkable…that one could find one so much more…elusive than that little green eyed girl. Love is, after all, hard to find.”

*Electricity crackles from a car battery on a nearby table. The music continues*

Electro: (looking back at the battery)

“I’m not letting you go, friend. But, oh yes, we are going to have a talk.”

*Spiderman (portrayed by Bruce Willis) suddenly crashes in through a skylight.*

Spiderman: “Yippie Kai Yai Yay, mother..”

*he’s cut off by the loud buzz of jumpercables contacting J.J.’s chest. He is killed instantly.*

Electro: ” You were saying? Oh, well then you were finished. Well then, allow me to retort.”

Spiderman: “not again…”

Electro: Your affinity for tardiness is gonna get everybody killed one day, kid.

*closeup on Spidey’s face*

*flashback to scene of a robber shooting uncle Ben in the chest at close range for five solid minutes. “Knights in White Satin” plays.*

(Director’s note: Why, again, can we not use Sammy J? What the fuck is a Nick Fury?)

The surprises don’t stop there! Check out this crazy imagining of your friendly neighborhood Wallcrawler:

M. Night Shyamalan’s Spidermanalan

*The scene is pitch black. You can only hear heavy breathing. Suddenly Mysterio speaks.*

Mysterio: “You think you fight to protect what really matters, but you don’t even know what’s real.”

*The sound of a mask being pulled off is heard. The heavy breathing is clearer now.*

Spiderman: “How do I know that this isn’t all just another one of your illusions?”

Mysterio: “The question is, were they ever my illusions, or did they come out of that big brain of yours?”

*Mysterio pulls a cord and a hanging light bulb turns on. In the reflection of his mask, you can see the face of M. Night Shyamalan (my cameo!). *

Spiderman “How could this be?

*Wide shot. Spiderman is alone in the room. Cut to a scene of him limping down a hall.*

Spiderman: (Clutching his ribs) “just…who? Who am i?”

*He peers down at broken glass. He pulls at his face, peeling away to reveal his mask underneath. He peels away at the mask frantically to reveal another face.* (Bruce Willis-DOUBLE TWIST!)

Spiderman: “I’ve gotta get out of here!”

*He stumbles out the door into bright light. He finds himself on a movie set. Everyone on set looks starled and confused.*

Director : “Mr. Holland, are you okay? Tom? You alright, buddy?”

(LETS TWIST AGAIN!)

*He stumbles off set and out another door. He finds himself in front of a carnival haunted house. Everyone is dressed like its 1890. It is 1890. Also, everyone is giant hamster/people hybrids.*

There was even talk of the first ever, realtime collaboration between Joss Whedon and Zack Snyder:

Zach Snyder and Joss Whedon’s Spiderman

*Scene: It is dawn. Tom stands in a wheat field. Everything is washed out. (J.W. no it’s not. It’s bright and colorful. Also Beastie Boys is playing.)*

(Z.S. No, it isn’t. It’s like, violins and stuff.)

*Anyway, Spiderman stares into the endless horizon. The voice of Uncle Ben thunders “With great power comes…”*

(J.W. Portals begin to open in the sky.)

*revealing visions of memories…*

(Z.S. IT IS VERY SOMBER.)

(J.W. No, its not.)

(Z.S. Shut up.)

Spiderman: (Says something funny here. J.W.)

(Z.S. Can you stop?)

(J.W. No, you! You suck.)

(Z.S. You suck.)

Amongst others of note were a pitch by Mel Brooks promising the surprise return of Rick Moranis to the silver screen, a drunken text to email message from Martin Scorsese, five paragraphs of racial slurs from Mel Gibson and a screenplay from Rian Johnson in which Spidey is killed in the opening scene and the other characters don’t seem to care much. It was a wild weekend of news and glimpses of what wacky webs that could have been spun by various famous directors had the deal not gone through. Did it all work out for the better? You make the call!

Sony logo property of Sony. Marvel logo property of Disney. I made the title pic myself. Spiderweb image courtesy of Clipartwiki.com. This is a work of parody.

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