“HELLO FELLOW HUMAN CONSUMER. WE SPEAK AS THE MOUTH FOR NINTENDO. WE HAVE SUCH SIGHTS TO SHOW YOU.”
So, yesterday I had a notification of a new video from Nintendo. I clicked it, not knowing the window into another plane of reality I would be given an opportunity to gaze upon with a slow-burning dread I have never tasted, yet feel frighteningly and indescribably familiar with. It is seven minutes of internal thoughts of “something is very off with this.”. It must be seen to be believed. Should you wish to not experience the subliminal eldritch mind flaying that is this advertisement, I will do my best to attempt describe it within the frail constructs of human communication.
Holy guacamole diaboli, were these two filmed in the same room!? For starters, I don’t think I could produce this much enthusiasm if I were begging for my life at gunpoint. This is the level of energy that can only be found in:
A) drinking deeply the blood of your nemesis or favorite prey
B) Pablo Escobar’s dry bar
Take a look at em!
She either REALLY likes weird video game peripherals or is just super stoked that she has wings and boy Gelflings do not. I cannot describe how bananas they are about this. I guess I should be hype. It looks kinda cool.
Ooooh, the dude. When he’s not animatronicking his way through explaining what an RPG is, he’s getting even more meta by breaking down what an adventure is in the tone of an alt voice for Alexa and the video filter set to Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. His cobra-like stare and tiny, “step into the light” bright-ass teeth have almost made me forget what they’re trying to promote.
Ah yes. The ring and strappy thing.
They keep showing parents wigging out while doing yoga to play a running mini game.
AH-HAH! They miss the Wii demographic! They don’t even show anyone under 20 without someone over 40 in the shot. Oh. Oh dear. Nintendo, this is Wii Fit! I remember those! They’re the things now propping up tables in Gamestop stockrooms or used as cheese plates by confused orderlies in retirement homes.
But yes. It was a commercial. About a ring thing you put a Joycon in. It actually looks pretty cool. I’ll probably get it. The footage looked neat. The rest just left me with a creeping and lingering feeling of muted fight or flight. Like being stuck in the moment right before Jaws pops out of the water, but sustained like a dissonant note on a piano. Like hardcore imagining what nails on a chalkboard sounds like, without actually hearing it. I watched it again on .5 speed. Don’t do that. If you’ll excuse me I’m gonna go pre-order the ring thingy and purchase salt for the protective ritual.
All images are screen captures taken from the Ring Fit advertisement. All rights property of Nintendo