Photo courtesy of Channel 5/Fremantle Media.

If there’s one thing UK viewers of Neighbours have learned about Australia it’s this – do not go into the bush. Just don’t do it. It will end in disaster – you’re either going to get lost, twist your ankle and find yourself unable to walk, go careering off the edge of a cliff, get bitten by a snake or get caught in a bushfire. Or quite possibly a combination of all of these things.

Recently, Susan and Kirsha got lost in the bush, forcing half of Ramsay Street to go out searching for them. You’d think they’d have learned by now, because over the years an inordinate number of Ramsay Street residents have come a cropper in the bush, dating right back to heritage character Shane Ramsay, who’s bush adventures included getting bitten by a snake and getting lost, in two separate incidents.

Paul Robinson has found himself in life-threatening bush-related dramas at least four times. There was a time back in the 1980s where he bumped his head and got lost in the bush. In the nineties he fell off a cliff and ended up losing his leg. Undeterred by this most minor of setbacks, Paul still embarked on a camping trip in the bush with one of his triplets. He thought he was camping with the nice one, but it was actually the evil one, who trapped him in an old mineshaft. There was also the big bushfire story, which involved most of the people who lived on Ramsay Street at the time, including Paul who, in a move that surprised nobody, left someone for dead while he escaped from the fire in a van. So one would hope that Paul has learned his lesson and will stay in suburbia from now on, because he is living, one-legged proof that nothing good happens when you venture away from Erinsborough.

The big bushfire story, which ended in the death of the reasonably forgettable Marco, also involved a few of the current residents, including Karl and Susan. They were trapped in a ditch as the fire moved towards them, and thought that they weren’t going to make it. Karl was also lost in the bush on his own on a separate occasion, so the Kennedys don’t have a great track record in this department. Susan seems to have forgotten all about these particular traumas though, because she didn’t seem to think twice about heading off into the bush with a load of school kids in the most recent palaver. You’d think she’d have a bit of residual anxiety about it, but like everyone in Erinsborough, Susan can obviously cure herself of mental health problems through sheer willpower alone. Thus, she was completely A-OK with blundering off into the bush with a compass that wasn’t working properly. Great job, Suze.

Neighbours Susan and Kirsha

Clueless Suze, lost in the bush with Kirsha. Photo: ©Channel 5/Source: Digital Spy

Two separate generations of the Willis family have found themselves in peril in the bush. The original nineties Willises got caught in a bushfire on a family holiday, and managed to lose daughter Cody along the way, but she was eventually found safe and sound. A couple of decades later, Josh Willis (nephew of Cody) fell while trying to abseil off a cliff. Another paid up member of the Falling Off a Cliff Club along with Josh and Paul, is Lou, who managed to blunder off a cliff at some point as well. Was it the same cliff? Should someone maybe pay to put some railings up? Just an idea.

Paul’s not the only one who’s been trapped in a ramshackle building in the bush either, because Steph got trapped in a cabin by her nutjob boyfriend. Remember that? Nope, me neither.

Babies in the bush are another bad idea. In the big bushfire storyline, Marco died when he went to find baby Chloe’s bottles, which had been left behind. Bridget and baby India got lost in the bush for some reason once, and who can forget Des and Daphne’s baby being born while on a picnic in the middle of nowhere? If you’re pregnant or have a baby, it’s probably best to stay on Ramsay Street.

I have reason to believe that the residents of Ramsay Street just cannot be trusted to go anywhere more than a mile away from the Waterhole without getting themselves into danger. I managed to spend eight months in Australia without getting lost in the bush on a single occasion, and I’m not a particularly smart or resourceful person. It’s actually quite easy not to get lost in the bush. I’d wake up and spend my whole day not getting lost in the bush without any difficulty at all.

Neighbours Yashvi and Xanthe

This is what happens when we let them leave Ramsay Street: Xanthe and Yashvi search for Susan and Kirsha. ©Channel 5/Source: Digital Spy

I’m starting to think there should be some sort of injunction put in place that stops the Neighbours from leaving Erinsborough. Maybe we could put up some netting to keep them enclosed? Or what about those ankle bands like the ones criminals wear? They could be set so an alarm goes off if anyone from Ramsay Street wanders too far away from the Lassisters complex. There must be some way of stopping them from constantly wandering into the outback to fling themselves off the scenery or blunder off into dense forests without water or a compass. I wonder how much money the residents of Ramsay Street have cost the Victorian fire and rescue services over the years?

Someone really needs to stop them…