It’s been really hard for me to write this recap & I’m still in mourning so let’s just get into it
(wait omg, does makeover Rebecca sort of look like me in my banner photo? I did spend 2 hours achieving that look, hmm…why is this episode attacking my life choices and making me confront my issues aaaah)
Greg is leaving. That’s it. He’s actually getting everything he’s ever wanted, leaving West Covina, going to Emory, really getting his life together. But it sucks. It sucks so much, for me, the viewer, who liked seeing His Royal Highness Christopher Rupert Vwindemier Vladimier Carl Alexander Francois Reginald Lancelot HERMAN Gregory James (hello 2013 Cinderella revival reference, how timely you are) on the tv every week.
Oh you wanna know what actually happened in the scene? Makes sense I guess. Well after Rebecca finds him at the airport, he confesses that it would have been too painful to say goodbye to her because he loves her. He then launches into a beautiful love song that’s about how they sucked as a couple and it’s not really a love song at all. The song ends and Greg gets on the escalator towards heaven his gate and Rebecca looks as sad as I feel.
What? Who? No! Ew! Ugh! Who wants to be that?!
Rebecca is basically broken at this point, she thinks something must be wrong with her now that both Josh & Greg are not interested in her. Paula is trying to be a shoulder to cry on but honestly Becks is being so selfish that in her place I would have yelled out at Rebecca to get her shit together because she’s not the only one dealing with shit.
That takes us to Paula’s house where she’s cleaning up, Scott needs stamps, and her kid is hungry despite having literally just eaten dinner (#same). Paula seems completely overwhelmed and Scott, still trying to be supportive and a good husband, reminds her that there are options if she doesn’t want this baby. They can just not tell Father Brah and he won’t tell God. Paula thinks abortion is for teenagers and not a married mom of 2 but Scott & I both disagree. He wants her to talk it out with Rebecca but Paula doesn’t want to burden her.
Though never simultaneously
Speaking of the world’s worst best friend, we’re now in her kitchen where she’s trying to scrub Josh & Greg out of her life. Because this is Rebecca, and things are never simple, both Josh & Greg appear in front of her. They’re not Dream Ghosts though, those are lame, they’re polterGUYS aka dudes who haunt their exes because dudes are the worst. They’re taunting her, telling her that she’ll never get rid of them because they are all over her house.
Literally, they tapped that ass all over the place and they do a tap number with some incredible props as they sing about all the places they banged Rebecca. Special shoutout to the Taco Festival dude who also tapped that ass all over the house. Take a minute to watch it again, it’s incredible! Frustrated after that number in her head, Rebecca throws Chan-y Bear & Greg’s Emory sweater & all her other ex boyfriend memorabilia in the sink, pours some booze over the whole thing and lights it up. OBVIOUSLY, this does not end well.
Get out of my head, you angel
It goes so badly in fact that the next scene is Rebecca at Heather’s door in a fire department blanket thing, asking to sleep on her couch. Heather’s parents hear the commotion and come downstairs. They are the world’s nicest people and Rebecca never had that with her parents so she’s immediately drawn to that dynamic. Heather’s dad even makes her pancakes, despite the fact that it’s 2am and that she’s always scratching his car with hers.
Personal disaster day
The next morning, Heather finds a YouTube video of Rebecca’s 911 call but not in time to warn her because Becks borrowed some of Mrs. Heather’s clothes and went to work. Speaking of Whitefeather, everyone is watching the video. Karen suggest she start working on an alias but I’m not sure Karen understands how those work. Finally, Rebecca heads to her office to watch the video and relive the humiliation with Paula by her side. Paula by the way still hasn’t told Rebecca any of the shit she’s dealing with but like can you blame her, Becks is a mess right now.
Funded by Big Vagina
Wanting to convince everyone that she’s okay, Rebecca sits in on a Douche company meeting with the bae Yael Grobglas from Jane The Virgin. Yael plays Trina, the head of Miss Douche who is trying to rebrand the company and reclaim the word douche as a symbol of female empowerment. Rebecca is totally inspired by reinvention and empowerment so she decides that she needs what every girl needs after a breakup, a makeover! Furthermore, she wants to enter the contest to become the new Miss Douche spokesperson so she literally dumps all the lawyer-y work of the case on Paula and runs out.
Take the back roads
Scott is trying to make dinner while Paula works on the Miss Douche case to show her that they can make it work with law school and a baby. However, he ends up ruining it because the chicken looks both raw & burned and also he forgot to pick up one of their kids. Paula just seems entirely devastated, and you can see her give up her dream in the moment and resign herself to taking care of the family and the new baby. She tells Scott that they’re done talking about it through tears that break my heart and put it in a blender.
Josh & Greg & Audra Levine & my mother & my garbage father…EVERYBODY!
Rebeca is telling Heather’s parents all about wanting to be Miss Douche and rebranding herself and they’re being so supportive that it makes me wonder if there’s such a thing as too supportive…Anyway, while scoping out the competition, Rebecca is even more sure that she needs that makeover *cue the song*
So I didn’t really wake up like this, but don’t tell anybody okay?!
Y’all after all that when Rebecca walks into work the next day she looks like a toooooottttaaaaaaallyyyyyyyyy different person. Supes weird. Everyone is staring at her at work because duh. She shares with her bff Paula that she paid FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS so some bots would like her photo. Now Rebecca is a finalist in the Miss Douche contest, she’s still oblivious to everything Paula is going through, and her extensions are literally jumping off her head.
It can’t get better when it’s already the best
Rebecca casually runs into Josh, but I fully believe that she was walking down that street purposefully to run into him. He totally doesn’t recognize her until she takes off her glasses and reminds him of who she is. Little Happy Josh has been oblivious to everything because he’s taking an internet break. He doesn’t know about the contest or the 911 call or any of it. Rebecca lets it slip about the call and her screaming his name though, so he starts to realize that she’s in a real bad place, not realizing that he’s partly to blame, and wishes her well.
You don’t have to do anything you started
Like most encounters with Josh, that last one pretty much crushes her spirit. Rebecca now wants to give up the Miss Douche contest. Heather pushes her to finish this thing she started despite the fact that her parents are being supportive about her quitting. This also gives us some great insight into Heather and why she’s in her millionth semester at school and sort of apathetic to everything (it also gave me insight into my parents and my life and I feel so attacked right now gosh!).
So, who are you?
Rebecca is up at the microphone, selling herself to the Miss Douche panel while Paula is in a court-type-thing trying to get the permits approved. The show beautifully intercuts these two scenes when Trina asks Rebecca who she is & the Zoning Dude asks Paula who she is since she’s not a lawyer. Rebecca confesses that she’s not okay, that she’s not cool and breezy, and that she doesn’t deserve to be Miss Douche. In the process, she also talks about how perfect Heather is, like a lot. Paula also comes clean about not being a lawyer, but the passion she shows when arguing her case and the incredible work she did on the 100 page brief lead the Zoning Dude to grant all the permits they wanted, and he ends by telling her that she’d make an excellent attorney!! #PaulaProctorEsquire
You participated, you should get a trophy
After the competition, Heather tells everyone that she won the title of Miss Douche! It comes with a ten thousand dollar prize so she’s finally moving out of her parents’ house and she wants to get a place with Rebecca. That’s a lot of information in a short scene but it’s great that Rebecca won’t be in that house with the PolterGUYS anymore; and maybe Heather can help her make better decisions.
I had a thing, I figured it out
It’s a new day and Paula is just chilling in bed, reading a book and drinking tea. She’s resting because she decided to do the best thing for herself and have an abortion. The casualness with which this part of the story was handled makes me so happy you guys!
Every TV show that used to do “abortion stories” would spend the whole hour agonizing over the thing and guilting the mom-to-be and a lot of them ended with her seeing a baby and all of a sudden wanting one. But this, this lovely smart small scene involving actual family planning and rational decision making felt like glitter was exploding inside of me. Jane The Virgin recently did something similar with Xo’s unwanted pregnancy and You’re The Worst handled it in an almost too cavalier way; hopefully ushering in a new era of TV and indicating a shift in societal and cultural norms, where women are praised for making the choice that’s best for them.
Let’s get back to the plot, before this turns into a hot-take-think-piece. Rebecca comes to visit her because she called in sick to work but when she asks if everything is okay, Paula doesn’t tell her about any of the stuff she’s been going through lately, she just makes it about Rebecca and let’s her ramble on as she does. Becks has had quite a revelation this week, vowing to stop letting outside voices dictate her behaviour and opinion of herself and to work on her insides instead of her outsides. She now knows she shouldn’t be with Josh & that Greg did what he needed to do to be happy, she just wants to get their voices out of her head so she can move on.
Someday I will be happy for you
The first step in doing this is visiting her house and saying goodbye to the Greg in her head. Imaginary Greg says that he can stay, so that when she has tacos or sees a dog show she can think of him; but she asks him to leave, so she can heal and be alone. Then ghost Greg asks if she’s sure and Rebecca closes her eyes, to be surrounded by emptiness when she reopens them.
This is an incredible moment for her, it’s such a big breakthrough and important action towards loving herself and being in a healthy relationship. It also happens to be our goodbye with Santino Fontanta, which makes this moment so bittersweet. I was always Team Greg over Team Josh but I knew Greg & Rebecca were bad together, I knew this wasn’t the same old tired love triangle kind of show, it’s why I love it so much. I just thought Greg would stick around longer, or that we’d check in with him on his journey to self-improvement. I guess I loved Greg, because I love Santino and because I related to Greg the most and he had the best songs. So, yeah, I am super proud of Rebecca in this scene, I just selfishly wish her realization had taken 3 or 4 more episodes.
The last thing that happens in this episode sets the stage for an incredible new dynamic; Rebecca & Heather are having coffee (interesting to note that they aren’t at the typical boba place) when they notice Valencia, shoving donuts down her throat like her life depends on it! Why is Valencia eating carbs?! That happens to basically be the title of tonight’s episode so I guess we’ll find out soon!
I give this episode 3 out of 5 glasses because Santino Fontana left the show & I was not prepared for that so the heartbreak I felt will always tint this episode with sadness, but really it was a 5 star episode for the depth it gave everyone and also for beautifully handling Paula’s abortion storyline and not making it a whole thing about choice and agony.
Crazy Ex-Girlfriend airs Fridays at 9/8c on The CW
photos courtesy of The CW/screenshots