Everyone is dying, but it’s okay to laugh at Episode 4
The episode opens with Shelby confronting Matt about boinking Lady Gaga The Witch of the Woods at the end of episode 3, which leads to a breakdown that could either get Cuba Gooding Jr an Emmy or teach men how to get out of mistakes by crying.
Cut to a jump scare of Shelby opening the shower and being assaulted and chased by the creepy Pigman. In true horror fashion she inevitably falls over (Someone isn’t taking her Boniva regularly), but Matt saves her momentarily until they’re both cornered and ultimately saved by the professor (Elias) we all thought was dead, but actually just lost the house due to inability to pay taxes.
We cut to Elias providing flashbacks to other families that have attempted to live in the house and subsequently died on the property, focusing on an immigrant family that attempted to pray to their ancestor’s to invoke protection but were completely overpowered by the malignant spirits on the property.
Elias then gave us a flashback to the demise of the evil nurses we saw in episode 2. One was quartered in an amazing, gory display, while evil nurse #2 just gets cleavered to death (So boring, right?)
The Game of Nerds Pro-Tip: Always stretch before all workouts and human sacrifices
Then Elias decides to help them find Flora and shows them where the Priscilla and the other spirits on the property usually stay on the periphery of the property. Shelby wanders (of course) and is almost murdered by some hunters that shot each other in the face at some point (I swear this woman has 9 and a half lives). We finally see Priscilla!
And then just as we think Elias is going to be some kind of saving grace for The Millers we remember it is only episode 4 of 10 for the season and he gets knocked off by a few ghost arrows.
And then the best part of the episode happens when Cricket comes back and we get the plot thickened when he recounts his meeting wth the Witch of the Wood’s (aka the-bitch-with-the-REAL-power). Nothing special to note besides The Witch using The Butcher to get human sacrifices to grow her dark powers/including her son and all of the lost colonists, and then his uber arrives (wow this season is sooo relatable) and he needs to go back to his hotel to get supplies to help The Millers get rid of the spirits, after flirting with a new fan favorite character
And the most hilarious line of the night
Did we fail to mention that Cricket promised that the Witch of the Woods could have Matt in return for their safety? Because it was glossed over until Matt stupidly goes back to that cellar for ANOTHER “accidental” romantic encounter with The Witch (She already had him once, why is this a good deal? Is Cuba Gooding Jr just that amazing in bed?). Well during their encounter Matt gets a glimpse into The Witches past. She was a poor girl that stowed away on a ship coming to America and when she was discovered the magic hit the fan, and her druidic ancestry comes out and old magic meets the new world and now we have this lovely lady (gaga)
(There is a fan theory that her lineage is tied to Dandy from Freak Show because of the red hair and her appetite for sex with mortals, and it would explain how evil he is and this is furthered by the rumor that Evan Peters’ missing character is his ancestor, but this is all conjecture at this point)
Their romantic romp is interrupted by a ghostly mob coming for the farm house and Shelby screaming helplessly for Matt (which breaks him out of the spell and he joins her instead of saving himself). The Butcher announces it is time to consecrate the grounds and prepares to slaughter a captured Flora
Luckily Priscilla breaks rank and shoves The Butcher allowing Flora to escape and Matt takes her into the house where they watch the disembowelment of what seemed to be their last hope a larger than life medium losing his small intestine.
And then Chapter 4 left us hanging on that cliff! We can’t wait for next week. What are your theories for how The Millers will escape this one?