I’m not going to talk about you-know-what anymore. Instead, I’m going to blithely carry on with my weekly round-ups as if everything was normal. So, here are some thoughts on last week’s UK episodes (minus Friday, because I’m visiting my non-Neighbours-watching family again).

Gareth Claims Freya is a Stalker

Levi said he wasn’t going to investigate Gareth anymore but then carried on investigating anyway because Levi doesn’t seem to know his own mind most of the time. And now he takes the very unwise decision to allow Ned, of all people, to follow up a lead for him. Ned takes his new best mate Harlow with him, and with her brainpower, they manage to track Gareth down to a caravan site. Gareth tells them that Freya has been lying about him being a criminal and that he is actually hiding from her because she’s been stalking him. Ned believes it hook, line, and sinker because, well, because he’s Ned, but also because he’s got some past trauma involving stalking. He immediately starts catastrophisizing, especially since he’s about to head away on a remote getaway with several people, including Freya. Levi doesn’t really believe any of it, though, and he’s more concerned with the sexual tension that’s been bubbling between him and Freya.

Aaron Continues to be a Jerk

Why is he not in the bin yet? Aaron is still somehow casting himself as the victim in a scenario where he brawled with his husband’s colleague right outside their place of work. When David wants some space after the incident, Aaron acts like it’s some sort of terrible injustice. He is so wrapped up in his own little narrative that he’s lost all sense of perspective.

David’s weird friend Dean is clearly interested in him, but David has made it very obvious that he is committed to Aaron and doesn’t want to be more than friends. Dean seems like he might do something sinister, though – I do not trust his moustache at all. And when he inevitably does do something wacky, Aaron will no doubt react in the reasonable and calm manner we’ve all become accustomed to from him. Oh, wait…

Get away from that moustache, Dave. Photo: © Channel 5. Source: Digital Spy

Zara is Suddenly Nice

I’m going to seem like a cat standing by an open door, unable to decide whether they want to be in or out because I’ve been banging on about how irritating Zara is since she arrived and saying that I wanted her to go through the Neighbours Normalisation Process™, but now she has done, she seems really boring. All of a sudden, she’s doing her homework, she’s getting on with Amy and Toadie, and she’s sorry for having been a total demon in braces ever since she got to Erinsborough. I’m bored already. I don’t know if I want all of Old Zara back, but New Zara is kind of dull, and I definitely don’t want that.

Roxy is Desperate to Get a Bun in the Oven

Talking of people not wanting things, Roxy is determined to get some of Kyle’s defrosted sperm inside her at the earliest possible opportunity, but Kyle doesn’t seem keen, and Roxy is not picking up on it. In a shock twist, almost unheard of in Ramsay Street, Kyle tells Roxy he wants to wait, and then the two of them sit down to actually talk about it like real grown-ups. I think the gist of it is that Kyle was only putting the brakes on because he’s scared that it won’t be a success, but I’ll admit to being a little bit distracted by their “Honesty Breakfast” which is one of the largest quantities of breakfast food I’ve ever seen outside of an entire hotel buffet. Seriously, did you see the amount of bacon on those plates?

They’re Trying to Make Harlow and Ned a Thing

Harlow and Ned have been spending a lot of time together recently, doing weird things like going paintballing and pretending to be private detectives. It looks to me like the writers are trying to make out that there’s chemistry between them, which there really isn’t. They’re going to end up together, and I have three things to say about that: 1. No, thank you. 2. They are practically related. 3. No, thank you.

It’s Time For the World’s Most Awkward Holiday

A bunch of Erinsborough residents has gone away on a trip to what looks like a backpacker’s hostel in a remote bit of bushland. They should know that nobody ever goes out to the bush without something terrible happening and that glorified hostel is absolutely not worth the risk of bushfire, murder, or alien abduction that is bound to happen to them while they’re there.

Aside from the impending disaster, everyone on the trip is being decidedly weird. Nicolette has rebranded herself as a fun, childless singleton called Nikki, which is truly bizarre. Aaron is suddenly an avid reader, despite not showing any sign of being able to read before. Ned is in training for the Australian Worrying Championships, flapping around like a chaotic mother hen, fretting about every move that Levi and Freya make. Weirdest of all, Glen is very busy walking around on his own with a backpack on, being awkward with everyone he interacts with.

The only person who seems to be cracking on with being on holiday is Levi, but then he gets ambushed by Gareth, so there’s his trip ruined. Gareth suddenly shows up, points a gun at Levi, and tells him to get into a kayak, which is the only way that you’d ever get me into a kayak, in case you’re wondering. Levi grapples with him and manages to get away, only to fall over and knock himself out on a rock. I haven’t seen Friday’s episode yet, which I’m sure will be an absolute festival of holiday-based chaos. There’s already been gunfire, shouting, fighting – so just your usual Neighbours trip to the bush, really…

Amazingly, this was the least awkward part of the holiday so far. Photo: © Channel 5. Source: Digital Spy