I absolutely love FromSoftware. The little Japanese developer that almost nobody knew about during the Playstation 2 era found its stride by pulling Demon’s Souls from development hell and refining it into a cult classic. Following that with its more fleshed out and evolved cousin, Dark Souls, FromSoftware has gone from “Guys who make really hard game” to recently winning a much deserved “Best game of all time” from the Golden Joystick Awards. FromSoftware puts an incredible amount of detail into every game, often details that go unnoticed. But we aren’t here to talk about the subtle and amazing things that make their games so good. I’m still working on putting into words my love of Hidetaka Miyazaki and his penchant for cranking out game after game destined to grow roots in your console or PC, but today is not that day. No, today I need to get something off my chest, and it’s a passionate subject, so please understand if I convey my feelings like a sailor on fire. For nearly TWO YEARS I have been stopped from getting anywhere Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice by a massive wall of monkey ass. I HATE THE GUARDIAN APE. Chances are if you played Sekiro, you hate him too. For the uninitiated, here’s the story.
Having bested a legendary samurai, an insanely tough kunoichi, and a few other intimidating baddies, I found myself at the bottom of a snowy ravine, approaching what appeared to be more variety for the shishkabob I was turning my sword into. The monkey enemies in this ravine had troubled me on my way down, and even though I felt bad for killing the little bastards, that feeling had begun to wane with each of these little screeching assholes I put to the sword. I love monkeys. It’s my dream pet. But, fuck these guys. Some have swords. Some have guns. They ALL have some balls messing with the Wolf; an unkillable shadow of death and sharp things. Shitty Monkeys: 4 – Me: 1, but it’s all I need to keep going. Being done with the annoying monkeys, I jump down into a lake at the bottom of the ravine to find this…
Okay, okay. I’m sick of fighting your tiny brethren, but if this is the culmination of this simian sortie, so be it. I am ready to end this monkey business with cold steel. As if annoyed by me interrupting his deep, contemplative gaze into the mystery of his own crotch, he turns. With a roar, he introduces me to my ninja prison. FOR. TWO. FUCKING. YEARS. Every time I booted up this masterpiece, I was stonewalled by his hairless ass.
I should have known I was in for it when I saw a sword lodged in his neck. Evidently, a previous visitor had set the tone, but I had yet the context, and to my uninitiated ass he was just the newest boss in my way. He then proceeded to initiate my ass in the ways of pain. He’s all over the place. He throws temper tantrums and beats you with his flailing limbs. He farts, which quickly poisons you. He super jumps and hucks smart car sized balls of shit at you which hit you like a thrown smart car before poisoning you.
Oh, yea? Do you like the intricate dance of flashing steel and precise parries you have learned under the game’s punishing difficulty? Too bad! This fuckin guy ignores the posture bar altogether, essentially crowning himself a hyperactive, shit slinging Dark Souls boss. Just when you think you have the fight figured out, he pulls some off the wall throw spam and yer toast. It’s not exactly a short fight either. Sometimes, he literally pulls a victory out of his ass! I’m not kidding, look!
There I was, months later, every time. I’d load up Sekiro for some cool swordplay and exploration, and groan as I remembered that I had to first conquer this goddamn monkey who had literally stopped me since I reached him. This continued on since launch! I got the game on release date! I had no problems getting to him, but time and time again, despite my best efforts, the result was the same…until one day…
Holy shit…did I? Could it be? I yanked on the sword and his head came off so…no, wait.
Of course, he’s picking up his head and getting up. This is fine. He now moves completely different pre-decapitation, swaying to and fro like the parasitic centipede that inhabitants his corpse, making him undying. Look it up, the wiki is intense and that’s a deep place to fall into. Anyways, the centipede is in the driver’s seat of this monkey corpse, and now he’s using the giant, fuck-off sword he had in his neck, freed by myself. We’re back to the parry parry, slashy slashy stuff, but you know, 13-foot sword and all that. Oh yea, he holds the head up to the neck stump and screams. This big area will cause a “terror” status that builds in like 2-3 seconds. It will instantly kill you. He has a habit of doing this a lot. Like a lot a lot.
Nearly three years later, after random attempts every month or two, I sat down to try again and….wait….what?
Holy shit! HOLY SHIT! I did it! I killed the ugly bastard! The whole rest of this beautiful game is mine to explore! What mysteries lie ahead? What perils will I escape? What terrible foes will I meet…
No. No. Dammit. No.
I didn’t make any of them this time around because I couldn’t take screenshots during the maelstrom of bullshit that this boss is.
All images are sourced from the Sekiro wiki and Fextralife. All gifs sourced by Gfycat, AllGamers and ResetEra