Photo: © Channel 5. Source: Digital Spy.

First of all, apologies for skipping a week. I’m hoping I can make up for it by rounding up last week’s Neighbours, as well as discussing a couple of things from the previous week that I just cannot let go by without commenting on.

Toadie Burns His Meat and Two Veg

I don’t even know quite where to start with this one. Do I start at the bit where Shane walks in and sees Toadie applying aloe vera to his gentleman’s agreements in a scene which he said looked like he was wrestling an anaconda? Or do we go all the way back to the start and struggle with the mental image of Toadie and Harold visiting a nudist beach together? In a classic Neighbours comedy plotline, while Toadie was in Queensland, Dylan recommended a beach to Toadie and Harold for a fishing trip, only for them to find that they’d arrived with their poles (ahem) on a nudist beach. They bizarrely figured that the way to get Dylan back for the prank was just to go along with it, which is how Toadie managed to sizzle his sausage. I’m not entirely sure that the mental images this storyline has left me with were really worth it for the minute or so of comedy that they generated. Can I pour bleach directly into my brain?

Also, can we talk about the fact that Toadie changed his relationship status on Facebook and all of a sudden he’s getting hundreds of messages from the thirsty single women of Erinsborough? What is going on? Toadie’s a nice guy and all, but I’m really struggling to believe that a mediocre suburban lawyer who owns approximately 76 Hawaiian shirts is somehow the most eligible man in the area.

Ned Wastes a Cake

I love a cake, and I’m also quite partial to Ned’s butt, but in my view neither of those things are improved by them being combined together. Ned is building up his Fandangle account, and he gets an offer he can’t refuse – to squash a vanilla sponge cake with his bare backside for a few hundred dollars. Of course, he does it, because the money he got for those really poor boob casts must surely have run out by now. In another typically Neighbours moment Terese and Sheila devour the cake, post butt, while Ned splutters uselessly in the background about why the cake is so squashed, with Terese even remarking on the ridge in the middle of it. Cake is literally my favourite thing in the world, but even I draw the line somewhere. No thank you.

Shane Loses his Hair Brush

Shane’s descent into drug addiction seems mostly to involve having very messy hair and staring into space a lot, which is what he’s doing when Dipi does some major level stalking to find out where he is when he doesn’t turn up for their anniversary dinner. She knows he’s lying to her, but he won’t tell her what’s really going on. Only Shane and Roxy know that Shane is doing speed, and despite him nearly yanking her arm off when she tries to flush his stash, Roxy is remaining loyal to him and keeping his secret.

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Kyle catches Shane assaulting Roxy. Photo: © Channel 5. Source: Digital Spy.

Roxy is definitely the victim here – nobody has the right to turn to violence in this situation – but I can’t help thinking that she could improve the situation for everyone involved if she just told Dipi what was really going on. Sure, she promised Shane she wouldn’t tell, and he’ll be furious if she does, but at this point Roxy wants no more to do with him anyway. Why doesn’t she just tell Dipi what’s going on so she can get Shane the help he needs?

Bea and Levi are Fake Dating

Roxy’s not the only one keeping a secret – Bea is still helping Levi hide his epilepsy from his family and colleagues, which is why he turns to her to pick up his medication when he realises he’s running dangerously low. Yashvi catches her handing them over, and the best lie they can come up with to cover for it is to pretend that they’re dating. Naturally, Sheila and the Kennedys find out almost immediately, so now everyone thinks they’re an item. Surely they could have come up with something better to explain what they were doing? Levi is a cop, he must have heard every single excuse in the book for why people are in possession of certain things they shouldn’t be in possession of. For a police officer, Levi doesn’t seem to be the brightest light in Blackpool, does he? He is a Canning after all, they’re not known for their genius…

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She’s trouble, this one… Photo: © Channel 5. Source: Digital Spy.

Nicolette Can Join Paul in the Bin

I wasn’t sold on Nicolette right from the start, but I’m even less sold on her since she waltzed into the Brennan/Grayson household and started bossing everyone around like she owns the place. She’s been hired as a live-in nurse, which makes Chloe and Pierce her employers, and I don’t think there are many jobs where backchatting the boss goes down too well, especially when said boss is a gazillionaire who could afford to employ another five nurses to replace you. The way she speaks to Hendrix when he almost gives painkillers to Faye is appalling. He’s a kid who is trying to help, telling him that he “messed up” is not helpful to anyone. I’m so curious as to who Nicolette’s father is, because her mum Jane is quite possibly the meekest mouse of a woman that has ever graced Ramsay Street. Nicolette’s dad must have been a real piece of work for her to turn out like this. She’s going straight in the bin with Paul Robinson.