Photo: © Channel 5. Source: Digital Spy.

Last week was the final week for all the storylines to be put in place for the big birthday spectacular with all the weddings, and the obviously doomed death-holiday to Chloe’s glamping island, so there was a lot of setting things up going on.

Mark and Paige are Official

Mark and Paige are back together and they’ve been on three or four dates now, so it surely must be about time that Mark popped the question. I wonder if he’ll buy another engagement ring, or if he has a nearly-new one in his stash? Or perhaps he has a loyalty card at the jewelers and he’s saved up enough stamps to get a free ring by now…

Lucy and Mark Carry on the Most Unconvincing Romance Ever

Every time Lucy opens her mouth Mark seems to try to shove a spoonful of food into it, and I really hate it. I can think of few things that would send me running faster than a bloke who kept trying to feed me. Anyhow, Lucy seems to enjoy it because she has agreed to marry Mark, even though Bruce Samazan delivers his lines about as convincingly as I do when I say I’m going to go to the gym tomorrow. I don’t remember him being quite this wooden when he was in Neighbours before. I’m not looking forward to their wedding at all, because it’s surely inevitable that at some point he’s going to try to physically shove some wedding cake into Lucy’s face.

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Mark not trying to forcefeed Lucy for a change. Photo: © Channel 5. Source: Digital Spy.

Kyle Did What We’ve All Dreamed of Doing

He had a fight with Gary. I’ll freely admit that I’ve wanted to punch Gary quite a few times – so it must have been incredibly satisfying for Kyle to rough his old man up a bit after all the years of putting up with his nonsense. Unbelievably, Kyle is being the voice of reason at the moment, telling Gary this his future wife is “a nutter” and that he’s making a big mistake by marrying her. Sadly Gary isn’t listening to Kyle because Gary has never met a bad decision that he didn’t want to make, so we’re all just going to sit back and watch the whole thing go belly up, which is basically what we always do with Gary.

Finn Has a Secret Lair

As part of his transformation from a slightly dopey teenager back into an evil fully grown man, Finn has uncovered that in his past life as a psychopath he had what every great villain should possess – a secret lair. Sadly, his is in a storage unit rather than inside a volcano or on a remote island surrounded by sharks, which is kind of disappointing. He hasn’t even got a big tank of piranhas to drop people into, but he has located an abandoned mine, and we do love an abandoned mine on Neighbours. I can’t wait to see who he’s going to chuck into it…

… I’m Secretly Hoping It’s Bea

I’ve nothing against Bonnie Anderson as a person, I’m sure she’s lovely. But, Bea as a character drives me a bit up the wall. She has two hobbies – singing awful warbly ballads or mooning over Finn, and I’m at the end of my tether with both of them. I’ve somehow managed to avoid spoilers for next week’s extravaganza so far, so I have no idea who’s getting the chop, but Bea and Elly are at the top of my wish list. Don’t let me down, Finn!

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Finn’s almost fully evil again. © Channel 5. Source: Digital Spy.

As a postscript, I’m writing this sitting on my sofa at home when I should have been on my way to London for the special Neighbours Live in Conversation anniversary event, which was sadly (but sensibly) cancelled in light of the risk of flying cast members in from Australia to take part. Everyone who had tickets is no doubt disappointed that the event didn’t go ahead and I’m sad I won’t get to sit in a room full of other bonkers Neighbours fans on Sunday, but Neighbours has been around 35 years, and it’ll still be around once this virus has peaked. So we’ll stick a pin in the celebrations until it’s a more practical and appropriate time for all us to get together.

Until then, please take good care of yourselves and your loved ones.