Shortly behind Elly on my list of Neighbours characters who irritate me to the point of wanting to bite my own fingers off is Gary. He is an absolute idiot, and he’s never had a single thought pass through his head that wasn’t utterly stupid. To celebrate this, I’ve decided to collect some examples of things that would be blindingly obvious to most normal people, but that Gary has literally never considered.
1. Don’t Date Your Son’s Ex
It’s weird, Gary. And no matter how much all the parties involved insist that they’re fine about it and that it isn’t weird at all – it definitely is. I just don’t understand how he ever thought this was going to be successful, it’s guaranteed to make future family gatherings very awkward, if nothing else. Quite frankly I feel like it should be something that is an instant no-go area, because even if there wasn’t the issue of one or more of the people involved having residual feelings for each other, there’s still the issue of certain parts of your anatomy going places where certain parts of your son’s anatomy have previously been and, not to be all primary school about it, that’s just icky.
2. A Surpise Panic Wedding Is A Rubbish Idea
In response to finding out that Kyle still had feelings for Amy, Gary’s plan was to lock Amy down by throwing her a surprise wedding. As I write this, I have yet to see the fiery car crash which is where this plan is inevitably headed, but you don’t need one of Dipi’s tarot readings to predict there is no possible way it’s going to end well.
I know very few people who would be happy with having absolutely no input whatsoever into their wedding day, and it seems extremely controlling to just spring it all on Amy without any warning. Nobody likes to be ambushed at the best of times, but to be ambushed with a day that’s supposed to be a massive landmark in your life? No thanks, Gary. I would not trust this man to order takeaway from The Waterhole without consulting me, let alone put together a whole wedding.
3. Accepting Jobs From Dodgy Looking Men in Pubs is Probably Not a Great Career Move
Gary’s career plays out like an alternate universe of The Chuckle Brothers where they’ve fallen in with the wrong crowd. He blunders from disaster to disaster, most of them involving things that are morally ambiguous at best, if not downright illegal. Gary’s idea of a steady job is to deliver stolen goods, or hide money for someone who’s in jail, and he never seems to be able to see in advance what could possibly go wrong with any of his schemes. I know all business transactions in Erinsborough take place in either Harold’s or The Waterhole, but he really needs to stop accepting jobs from stubbly men in leather jackets who sidle up to him in public places and talk out of the corner of their mouths.
4. Selling Coffees in a Shed Is Probably Also Not a Great Career Move
I don’t want to be snooty about what is and what isn’t a good job, but there’s something tragic about a grown man selling coffees out of a shed. It’s not even his shed. It’s the sort of job that a teenager might do at the weekends, and yet Gary is actually capable of having a proper grown-up job. We’ve seen him do it. He managed the health retreat for a while, and he was also suddenly a chef for a bit, but he always either gets fired for doing something moronic, or he just decides that it’s all too much like hard work and he can’t really be bothered. Newsflash – none of us can be bothered to work, Gary. But it’s just something we all have to do so we can buy junk food and pay for Netflix, so how about you suck it up and act like a grown-up for a change?
5. Communicating Displeasure Through Vandalizing Furniture is Not Efficient Conflict Resolution
Gary tends to react to most unfortunate situations like an angry, confused bear trying to deal with a persistent wasp, and it never seems to end well for him. His philosophy is very much to beat someone senseless first, then lie to everyone he knows in order to try to cover it up later. We all remember that time when Terese cheated on him, and he expressed his anger by vandalizing her sofa and leaving it in the middle of the Lassiters complex. Then there was Finn’s trial, where he just sat and yelled incoherently whenever the urge took him. It shouldn’t surprise me that Gary is terrible at dealing with conflict considering that he’s terrible at literally everything else he’s ever done, and yet I still find myself disappointed.
Come on, Gary. Just be better.