Outlander Television

Uncharted: An Outlander Review

Outlander is almost over for the season, but fret not! The series is already assured a fourth season and there is no reason to think that the popular Starz fantastical time traveling romance will be going anywhere soon, unlike our heroes. Last we saw Claire, she had jumped out of a ship, like any reasonable person would, to find and warn Jamie about the warrants out for his arrest. Let’s check out the Uncharted territory from last week’s episode.

Claire washes ashore on what is absolutely not the port town she was meaning to get to, but instead is a seemingly deserted island in the middle of the Gulf. No problem, Claire knows that she needs to get some water first thing, and after licking some leaves and finding a rock that looks like it will be good for starting a fire, she’s in search for some fresh water. She doesn’t find any, but it’s dark now so she starts a fire and goes to sleep, only to wake up covered in fire ants. Claire understandably panics and gets the hell outta dodge, again on a hunt for the sweet nectar of life. Her clothes are rags, and after finding a rotten coconut, Claire decides to take a nap only to wake with a big ass snake making like a scarf on her neck. Claire quietly freaks out until the snake slithers away, and at this point, I’m about ready for her to pass out, which she soon does after seeing what looks like a church service in the middle of the jungle.

Courtesy of Starz

Claire wakes up in a bed, well tied to the bed, as it were. A woman who doesn’t speak English and ha a not so great bedside manner tells Claire that she’s tied up so she doesn’t scratch her fire ant eaten legs raw. After sipping some water Claire falls back asleep and again wakes up to a weird man smiling at her. Father Fogden is thrilled to have some company and unties Claire, helping her sit up and eat. Claire asks where she is and learns that it’ll take three days to get to Kingston and warn Jamie. She also learns that dude’s more than a little bonkers, and talks to Coco, his coconut buddy, who “warns” Claire that she can’t leave yet because escaped slaves and pirates and shit. Mamacita (the angry lady from before) doesn’t give a shit if dinosaurs come and eat Claire, but draws a kinda creepy bath for the stinky Englishwoman, anyway.

Courtesy of Starz

After Claire is bathed and dressed, the three share a super awkward dinner and we learn why Mamacita is so hostile towards Claire. Turns out good ol’ Father Fluffernutter was married to her daughter way back when. Fogden met and fell in love back in Cuba 15 yrs ago with a woman named Ermenegilda. Ermenegilda was married to a giant bag of dicks, but fell in love with the wayward priest, as well, and the three (because you can’t elope without your mama) fled Cuba on the day the English invaded. Sadly, Ermenegilda died soon after, and the two have been pretty much on their own ever since. Claire again asks to go to the village in the morning, and despite Mamacita enthusiastically agreeing to let “the whore” go, Fogden says he won’t take Claire to the village for a week or two. The three start to argue and after Mamacita leaves and Claire steals a mirror, Fogden agrees to take Claire the next morning after they bond over lost love, so long as Coco the coconut agrees.

Courtesy of Starz

The next morning while Claire is chatting with 18th century Wilson (in newly mended clothes, thanks to Mamacita), Mamacita comes running into the farm, screaming. A Chinese sailor has eaten their beloved goat. After Fogden dumps some voracious bugs on the goat head, saddened by the loss of his pet, he explains to Claire that the bugs are from a sacred cave in Jamaica called Abandawe. Cue flashback to Claire’s crazy ass patient in Edinburgh ranting the same name. Fogden tells Claire that folk disappear in that cave, which either means a decent chunk of the Jamaican population is shit with directions, or that this is another time travel site like the stones. This opens up some cool and potentially terrifying avenues for our story, as we have no idea how the stones work. Claire doesn’t have time to dwell on this, though, when she finally catches that it was a Chinese sailor that killed and ate the goat. Claire freaks out, asking where Mamacita saw them and while Fogden is reluctant, Mamacita is all too willing to send the intruder on her way, either to her people or her death, Mamacita ain’t picky.

Back at the beach, Jamie and the men of the Artemis are working on fixing the foremast. Turns out they ran into some shoals and gales and other nautical shit I don’t know about, and lost Captain Raines and his goons, Murphy and Warren to Davy Jones’ locker. Somehow Jamie is in charge, and he’s in a big ass rush to get to Jamaica and his wife. The men fix the mast, and load back onto the ship, hoping to leave with the next tide.

Claire finally makes it to the now empty beach after running through the jungle, wounding her arm in the process. She sees the Artemis heaved to in the water and remembering her stolen mirror, uses it to annoy someone into seeing her. On the ship, Jamie is trying to get ready to go when a light keeps flashing in his eyes. He uses someone’s spyglass and sees Claire on the beach. Soon the two are embracing on the beach a la From Here to Eternity. It’s a sweet reunion, made all the better by Jamie’s men commenting on how Mac Dubh’s wife seems to show up in the oddest fucking places.

Courtesy of Starz

While Yi Tien Cho is stitching up Claire’s arm, she and Jamie talk about the warrant out for his arrest and Jamie’s determination to find Young Ian. Claire tells Jamie she’s worried, and Jamie reminds her that he’s spent more years as an outlaw than not, and the subject is dropped. Jamie tells Claire that there has been a whole ton of shitty happenings going on, and wouldn’t it be nice to celebrate for once? He suggests a wedding, which works out well, since Claire happens to know a priest.

Once Yi Tien Cho apologizes and is forgiven for eating Arabella the Goat, our little troop prepares for a wedding. Claire offers to help Marsali get ready, and after some initial tension, the women have a nice moment talking about sex and birth control. Marsali asks Claire to help her ensure she doesn’t get pregnant until she wants to, and at the same time confesses that she was worried she wouldn’t like sex after seeing her mother and Jamie interact. Marsali tells Claire it seemed different between Claire and Jamie, and she’d like to have time just enjoying being Fergus’ wife before having kids. Claire offers to help and it seems a truce is drawn.


Later at  the wedding, a stoned Father Fogden proceeds to marry Marsali and Fergus, provided they each have names (and Fergus, a cock). There is a slight moment when Fergus tells Fogden he doesn’t have a surname, but then Jamie gives him his. It’s a sweet and lovely moment, the culmination of over 20 yrs of being Fergus’ foster father. Honestly, it’s my favorite part of the episode, since Fergus is the closest to raising a child Jamie has ever had. So, Fergus Fraser marries Marsali and Father Fogden blesses both their, and Jamie and Claire’s union.

Courtesy of Starz



Back on the ship, a fevered and drunk Claire gives herself some penicillin when Jamie blanches at the prospect of “stabbing” his wife. Turns out being feverish and eating Yi Tien Cho’s turtle soup makes for a frisky wife and, despite Jamie’s best (not at all, he’s ready and rarin’) efforts to reason with his horny wife, Claire bolts the door and has her way with her husband. Soon enough the two are banging all over the captain’s quarters, while Yi Tien Cho is smilingly asking if Claire liked the soup from outside the door, but in a non-pervy way.

Courtesy of Starz

So, what do you think of Uncharted? Were you as bored as I with the 15 minutes of Claire wandering through the jungle? If you’ve read the books, is there anything you’re missing or wish we’d spent more time on?

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