What you are about to read is a transcript for the yearly evaluation interview for Freddy Kruger.
Interviewer: Good Morning. Please take a seat.
Freddy: Fine, how long is this going to take?
I: Won’t be long. Unfortunately, this is my first interview with you, because your last years evaluator… We’re not going to talk about your last evaluator. Ok, so just so you know, this is being recorded for quality assurance, just like every year. So how long have you been working with the “League of Super Slashers?”
F: That’s what we’re calling ourselves now?
I: Different leadership leads to changes, and copyright rules. A new line of killers, from different dimensions. You know how it is.
F: Freddy’s been around since 1984, 33 years.
I: Now, when you first began here, you really hit the ground running. You could even say that you… Killed it!
F: HA HA HA HA HA HA!
I: Yes, I also think I’m pretty funny.
F: FREDDY KILLED THEM ALL! HA HA HA HA HA!
I: Yes, well, let me continue. You initially haunted the teenager of Elm Street, and killed them in their dreams. This is because people torched you, because you killed their kids. Which is why you decided to join this company, which was simply called “Hell” back then, and make a deal with us. What made you ok with you offering us your soul?
F: I wasn’t done with killing all of the little children of Elm Street! I’d rather spend eternity in hell, than leave unfinished business!
I: We are no longer “Hell!” That was several names ago! We are the “League of Super Slashers!”
F: …Right. I’d rather spend eternity with… the “League of Super Slashers,”… I guess.
I: Super! That’s the spirit! Ok, so your first soiree was in 1984. You created a geyser of blood out of a teenager, after passing off another couple other deaths as a murder, and a suicide! That’s impressive!
F: You could create anything, with a powerful enough imagination! And I got a bitch of an imagination!
I: Yes, right but then you were defeated by his girlfriend. Care to explain?
F: She was just prolonging the inevitable. I got her… eventually!
I: Ok, right, well, the next time you made yourself know was the next year, where you decided you wanted to get out of the dream world, and into the real world. Care to explain what lead to that decision?
F: I wanted people to fear me in the real world! Show people they aren’t save whether they are asleep, or awake!
I: Yea, but you do realize that you are more power in the dream world, than in the real world?
F: Yea, but my thinking is, in the real world, I can kill people, and not have to wait for them to go to sleep!
I: But everyone sleeps eventually! They must, or they die! So either way, it’s better to be in the dream world, rather than the real world.
F: I just wanted to try a new flavor of killing people. Can you blame me for that?
I: Mhmm, and what did we learn?
F: sigh It’s better in bed.
I: There you go! Play to your strengths! Which is what you did pretty much every time after that. Let’s see, you turned a girl into preying mantis, and crushed her. You turned a boy into a marionette doll. Almost had a child, which, Ok, that’s fine! Everyone wants a family. Oh my, you literally sucked the life out of a girl, that might not come up all the time, but that’s one of my favorites. Cleverness will go a long way with us here. So, let’s do this, in the first 10 years, on a one to ten scale, how do you think you did, looking back on it?
F: Freddy never goes lower than a 10!
I: Ok, we’ll see about that. So, in 1994, you traveled to an alternate dimension. We couldn’t see what happened there…
F: Yea, not many people did.
I: … But we heard tale that you, invaded the world of film makers who were making movies about you? Why did you invade that dimension?
F: They were making a mockery of me! I wasn’t going to let that stand! Freddy had to make them pay for that!
I: Yea, but going all the way to a different dimension? Isn’t one dimension enough? Gosh, you’ve already taken on two dimensions, and going into one was ill-advised enough!
F: Are you saying I shouldn’t be taking back my good name?
I: Not at all! I’m just saying that you should bring up your game in your own dimension first, before you try and invade other dimensions. Because after you returned, you didn’t do much of note for… well, a very long time.
F: Well, with the invention of the internet, people have less time to sleep.
I: That’s your excuse?
F: Well, nobody was afraid of me! If nobody knows who Freddy is, I can’t get into the heads of my victims!
I: Yes, which is why you subcontracted Jason, another one of our employees, to help people remember you, by association. How did that go?
F: It could have gone better.
I: In fact, Jason, who by the way, is one of our best employees, and you should strive to be, killed far more people during his Elm Street stretch than you did at the time. He killed 21 people, where as you only killed… let’s see here… one? Just one? Really?
F: Hey, I killed two!
F: Yea, that stoner dude was dead after I possessed him.
I: Then Jason cut him… and you in half… and then later cut off your head.
F: Hey, it was that blonde bitch that cut off my head!
I: Right, that makes it better?
F: Hey, to hell with you! I’d like to see you do better!
I: Oh golly, you don’t want to know my body count.
F: BRING IT ON ASSHO~~~zzztztzztztzztztztztztztztztz.
I: Oh dear, I’m sorry it had to come to that. You know that you can’t go at your evaluators like that. Now what do you say?
F: I DON’T HAVE TO SAY~~~~~~zzzzzztztzztztzzztzztztztz.
I: Oh gee. You have a hair trigger temper don’t you? Now what do you say?
F: …I’m sorry.
I: There now that wasn’t so hard! Now, you came back a few years ago, to basically do what you did the first time. But we’re not going to go onto that one. We know the mistakes of that one.
F: Yea, Freddy wasn’t in his right mind.
I: This might be why you we put on the proverbial bench, doing paper work in the back room. This failure took a lot out of you, and you have yet to come back from that!
F: If I was given another chance, I could make something of myself!
I: That’s up to you! You know that every slasher has their down time. Everyone is good to have their own down time, pulling in the casual kills of no note, but buddy, you got to step it up if you want to get back to the main roster!
F: What? You mean like Leatherface? Do you actually know what he’s doing? Or why he’s doing it?
I: Nobody does! Everyone is as confused as you are, but he and his family are still doing something! They’re pulling in the kills! We need souls, and bare minimum isn’t good enough anymore!
F: What about your sweet child Jason! He’s been low profile for a while. Why aren’t you giving him shit?
I: Well, he’s trying, and by god, he’s got a plan to make us all rich! And Michael Myers is blooming back to prominence. All these killers are reinventing themselves, trying to catch up with all the gosh darn ghosts that are taking our business! I’m asking you what you can do to get back on top? Come on, I’m not your evaluator anymore, because you’ve done so poorly for 15 years! I’m trying to be your muse! I want to inspire you to be the best that you can be! Come on, buddy, think with me here!
F: Well, I guess I can go back to my roots. Try to figure out what made me… Freddy. I just need a little bit of a push. Just a little bit of a jump, and I think I can go on killing everyone again. I need to get out of that mail room! It’s been hell for me!
I: Well, it is the “League of Super Slashers.” Also, your mail room skills are lacking to say the least.
I: Yea! And nobody likes working with you. You’ve had several complaints about your use of the word “Bitch.”
F: It’s my thing! It’s what I say! I say it to everyone!
I:We live in a different time Freddy, and you need to watch what you say to your co-workers! We don’t need more complaints from HR! They actually do things now! Look, Fred, we all want you to go back into the killing business. Think on it, think on interesting ways to reinvent yourself. I want a full report on the next year of your life after the weekend. We just want you to be better. Get us them souls, and we may take you off of mail room duty eventually.
I: Well, you’re still on notice for that last situation. May we never talk about that again.
F:… Bitch… ~~~~~zzzzzzzzzztztztztztztztztztztzzztttzzz