Rebecca was seeing signs in EVERYTHING, Dr. Akopian tried to get her to snap out of it, Greg is trying to grow and be an adult and make the right changes, Josh has a panic attack, Paula’s dreams keep getting crushed, & the Universe joins the ensemble.
1, 2, 3, 6, 8, 3, GO!
I hope you brought napkins.
Rebecca is in a “polyamorous throuple” with Josh & Greg. They’re going to eat pizza in bed and arm wrestle to see who has sex with her (why not both?). Girl is basically living the dream, until we zone out to see that this was all in her head as she’s talking to an actual throuple who she conned on Craigslist. They inform her that their situation isn’t at all born out of indecisiveness and that she’s actually in a love triangle, aka the sexiest of shapes.
Actually a triangle has multiple centres.
Cut to, the very first song of the episode! It’s an elaborate “Diamonds Are A Girl’s Best Friend” type number (that Rachel Bloom absolutely slays in FYI) with a bunch of hot dudes dressed as professors genuinely trying to teach Rebecca about triangles while she just keeps making puns. It’s hilarious and perfect and you should watch it [here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ck-UhvbCDAk]
“Yay, time for book facts”
“That’s astute, so I need to decide which man’s more acute”
“Will this help me choose? If not I’ll be swinging from a hypotenuse”
“Those are good puns but please pay attention”
“We’re tired of all your tangents, that’s also a triangle pun”
Like Jesus supposedly does sometimes.
Becks is in therapy now, but before you congratulate her in your head for taking care of herself and trying to grow, let me tell you that she’s not actually listening to Dr. Akopian’s wise words. In fact, she just leaves her session, babbling about how she’s going to listen to signs from the Universe from now on. Hasn’t she seen that thing where Bill Nye tells us the Universe has more important things to deal with?!
Signs Rebecca sees outside her therapists office:
1. Kid in Karate uniform – point Josh
2. Random whiskey bottle on the floor – point Greg
3. Poster for what I’m assuming is a horror movie, Signs 4 – point Rebecca doesn’t see enough movies because she missed signs 2 & 3 lolol show I see what you did there
Like, literally? Right now?
In things that have nothing to do with Rebecca, Greg’s dad just up and sold their house! Somebody came by and offered him a shit-ton of money for it so he sold it. Papa Serrano is also giving half of the money from the sale to Greg, so he can finally go to the Harvard of the south! In his usual Greg way, bae panics. He doesn’t want to just move halfway across the country (cough for Rebecca reasons cough) or to make any big changes now that he’s in recovery – y’all he hasn’t changed his socks THIS WHOLE TIME!!
Scatter little boys, scatter!
Lunchtime at Whitefeather is when the true love story of this show – Paula & Rebecca, duh – gets to blossom. Becks is going on and on about wishing that the Universe would just tell her which man to pick and Paula is so happy that she might finally get to have her dream and prove everyone wrong but she’s also nervous at having to wait 6 months to find out. In the middle of all this, they get a notification on their phone from their period planner app “ovunation” (it’s not a real app but it should be, also if you do need a good one Clue is incredible!) and both mention that their blood coven is running a little late.
Darryl also gets this notification (a little creepy but he’s adorable so we let it slide) and brings them their favourite chocolates. He’s dressed in shorts at work and is wearing a water bottle on his belt so Paula is like WTF bro and he mentions that he’d been hiking with WiJo! They went to this cool place that Darryl had never been to before and it was beautiful and WiJo helps Darryl see the beauty in things that are right under his nose and excuse me while my allergies are acting up *sniffles* *sobs*
While he’s telling this story Rebecca just runs up to the trash can & hurls. Paula is convinced it’s because she ate an egg salad sandwich out of a vending machine but Rebecca is now SURE that she’s pregnant.
It’s on the list of things I’ve ruined for her, including her career and her vagina.
Y’aaaaaall Becks has finally reached her breaking point and lost it! She refuses to take a pregnancy test because she knows what she feels, and she’s convinced that this is the ultimate sign. The baby can only be Josh’s (debatable depending on when Greg & her last had sex and how long her cycle is) so obviously this is the Universe telling her that she & Josh are meant to be together. “Obviously the Universe wouldn’t intend for me & Greg to raise Josh’s baby!” #ThatLogicThough
Paula is SUUUUPER worried about her so she just runs out to buy a pregnancy test that I hope she forces her to take.
It’s just one extra syllable, make the effort.
Remember that thing from earlier on in my ramblings about Greg’s dad giving him money and telling him to go to school? Yeah, Greg is still conflicted so he’s having a chat with (the absolutely amazing) Guardrail. He mostly wants someone to tell him what to do so he doesn’t have to make this decision himself – cough cough parallels with his soulmate Rebecca cough – but Guardrail can’t actually make the choice for him. All his sponsor does do is tell him that it sounds like the opportunity that he’s been waiting for and that there are meetings & sponsors in Atlanta too.
Period sex 🎵
Josh comes over – sorry, home – because Rebecca texted him 17 times and he was worried. As soon as he walks through the door she jumps his bones, he picks her up and puts her on the dining room table (ew guys come on people eat food there). In his passion, Josh knocks a bunch of things off the table including Rebecca’s pre-natal vitamins (giiiirl omg), he actually notices them and starts freaking out. Rebecca just starts rambling about how this is a sign and it’s going to be great and she’s really spiralling. Josh is literally frozen in place – not even blinking – while Becks runs to the bathroom, comes back downstairs to announce that she got her period so she’s not pregnant and now they can just throw down a towel and go to town.
This finally breaks Josh out of his stupor, he’s just been through the most upsetting three minutes OF HIS LIFE and can’t “do this anymore.” Rebecca continues to play dumb & call it a fight & say that she’ll see him soon but eventually Josh just flat out says that he’s leaving and he doesn’t want to see her anymore. Rebecca then screams his name in such a powerful and heartbreaking way that it makes you glad a commercial break is coming up so you can regain composure.
Our mutual periods might attract vultures.
Our girl moseys on into work the next day, suuuuper bummed and looking exhausted. Paula starts talking about the pregnancy test and Rebecca almost breaks down. She tells Paula everything, from getting her period to getting dumped by Josh. Paula can see that she’s in a really bad place and advises her to focus on herself for a while, to stop this triangle nonsense. Rebecca seems to actually listen to Paula’s good advice and just leaves work. That’s when Paula gets a second to remember that she still hasn’t gotten her period and she starts to panic.
That bitch fate just gets me knocked up.
Paula calls up Scott and they meet at home to figure this pregnancy scare out together. Sweet sweet Paula just feels like the Universe is playing a trick on her. She was so close to her dream and now, once again, it might all be ripped out from under her. She decides that she can’t know yet, once she pees on the stick everything changes and she just isn’t ready, so she heads back to work.
I ship them so hard!
I’m getting a sense that Rebecca and Greg having heart-to-hearts in nature and breaking me is going to be a theme this season and I am here for it but also my feeeeeeeeeeels. Becks is just walking when she spots Greg, overlooking the water and being all absorbed in thought. They chat and tease each other a little and it’s really bittersweet, they finally know and acknowledge that they hurt each other but they also seem to be in better places now (except that once again, Rebecca runs to him RIGHT after Josh ends things with her).
Anyway, after a while, Rebecca heads back to work but before she can do that, the Settle For Me music starts playing AND she & Greg kiss!!!!
Okay so I KNOW it was super unhealthy for them both – but stiiiiiiiiiiiill! Y’all! Settle for Me played! & that kiss looked bomb! It was such a classic rom-com moment & I loved it! It was a great fate-less coincidental meeting on a scenic bridge, perhaps the greatest ever – second to when Miranda & Steve met on the Brooklyn Bridge and decided to get back together, but that wasn’t really a coincidence.
Do you listen to anything I say? EVER?!
Rebecca is telling Dr. Akopian all about the Greg kiss and the therapy scene is intercut with what happened after the kiss. So Rebecca told Greg to meet her back in that spot the next day at sunset so they could start over and try again, while being nice to each other this time. In therapy, she’s talking about herself in the tropes of the show like “of course it’s the grumpy bartender who calls me on my stuff – that’s who I was meant to be with” etc. You know, typical rom-com trope stuff. Becks unloads all this on Dr. DreamGhostAkopian (#tbt) and walks out; leaving Noelle to do some deep breathing exercises and remind herself that this is all worth it for the kayak she wants to buy.
Father knows best.
Greg is packing up his stuff and staring at a photo booth picture of him with Rebecca when his dad walks in, about to drop some truth bombs!
Okay wait hold up, random side note, why is it that EVERY couple has these in TV shows? NONE of the guys who have dumped me have even agreed to get a photo booth thing done. Most of the time we never even once just happened upon a photobooth…Also how come the spurned party is always the one with the perfect copy of all 4 pictures? Did the other person not want any? Should that have been interpreted as a red flag?
Wow, sorry guys, I’ll focus I promise. Papa Serrano lays it down for Greg, telling him that Rebecca is bad for him (& vice-versa), that he needs to focus on himself and follow his dreams, that if he gets back with Rebecca he might as well start drinking again. Greg waves his dad off but luckily we can see that some of this sticks in his man-brain.
An ode (paragraph) to Donna Lynne Champlin
We take a break from that mess to check back in with Queen Paula who is just staring at the pregnancy test when Darryl shows up with balloons, nine west heels like Melanie Griffith in Working Girl, a terrible banner and the whole staff. He tells her that he pulled some strings so she could start her law school career that semester and not have to wait. Then, THEN, this scene turns into a blender for your heart to go in. Paula starts crying and shaking and being overwhelmed by everything so she leaves. We HAVE to take a moment to feel DLC’s incredible performance – the way she allows Paula to just break down and feel her feelings while trying to remain cool is just so perfect and also such a gut punch. In conclusion, Donna is a queen but you already knew that.
*settle for me keeps playing*
It’s time for Greg & Rebecca’s sunset bridge meetup! She’s there in an adorable dress and he shows up! Looking at her from far away with a smile on his face, like a person who is happy and in love and relieved. BUT THEN HE SEES A LITERAL DANGER SIGN to warn people against swimming in the water and he takes it literally. LIKE HIS DAD SAID! He might drown in Rebecca waters. So he just walks away! THE GROWTH THIS SHOW ALLOWS EVERYONE TO EXPERIENCE IS SO GREAT HOLY HELL.
Devastated, Rebecca heads home and, just like in the pilot, falls asleep on her couch while drinking wine and waiting for a text back, this time from Greg. When she wakes up, she gets a snapchat alert (okay sure those are real) that Greg is at the AIRPORT!!! Homegirl runs out to her car and frantically drives to Greg to have her grand gesture moment.
You’re going to have to up your protein intake quite a bit.
As Rebecca is still driving and bitching to everyone, we get to see Greg saying goodbye to WiJo, Hector, Josh & Chris. Chris’s mom is parked in the red zone so he says bye and wishes Greg well, then comes Hector, whose mom is also in the red zone. WiJo & Greg hug it out and Greg says he wishes to be half the man WiJo is one day, which takes the chiphunk a second to understand but he gets there. That leaves Josh, he gets very emotional during this goodbye, apologizing to Greg for being a bad friend and all the nonsense Rebecca stuff that really came in between them. BUT LIKE KUDOS TO VINCENT RODRIGUEZ! Also how great is it to see men being allowed to express feelings and be friends & hug without having to be like haha no homo blablabla.
While I cry some more, Rebecca finally makes it to the airport and spots Greg as he’s going toward his gate. She stops him to ask what the hell happened and where he’s going but we don’t have time to hear his answer because we cut to Paula who finally peed on the stick, and it’s positive!
AAAAAAAH. I had to take so many breaks as I was writing this because everyone kept making me cry and I’m PMS-ing. Also I had to go to the grocery store to buy chips and frosting – a revolutionary combo btw! Greg can’t just leave! What will we do without Santino? How is this going to work!!??? Paula isn’t having this baby right? This just doesn’t seem like something she wants. If there’s one thing Crazy Ex-Girlfriend knows how to do, its real and honest portrayals of tough AF situations so here’s to next week!
photos courtesy of SpoilerTV, The CW, Screenshots