For the premiere of the 3rd season of CBS’ “high octane drama” (their words, not mine) Scorpion, they really aimed big and gave the show a special two hour time slot, into which they stuffed a plot filled with all Scorpion’s favorite things — missiles, hackers, foreign terrorists, and utter romantic failures.

The episode begins exactly where last season’s finale left off, in the aftermath of Happy rejecting Toby’s marriage proposal on account of the fact that she is already married to someone else, and Walter running after Paige who is on a romantic get away with Tim in Lake Tahoe. The premiere opens with Walter about to tell Paige that he loves her, but he stops short when he catches her kissing Tim. Things get really awkward really fast when Cabe calls them in for a case and the 3 of them are placed on the same plane back home. Paige is furious that Walter crashed their Tahoe trip, and even though she ultimately agrees to believe his blatant lie about going for the Jazz festival, she drops the subject, but not before telling Walter to stay away from Tim. That plane ride was not a smooth one.

The romantic tension is no better in the garage, though, as a hungover Toby confronts Happy about her marriage reveal. Happy admits that she is in fact married, but she never technically lied about it, and tells Toby, much to his shock (and to mine), that she is in love with him and he needs to trust her as she plans to fix it as soon as she can.

WOAH WOAH WOAH. Let me pause for a second here because Happy Quinn just admitted out load that she is in love with Toby Curtis. Who knew I would get such a glorious Quintis gift in the first episode?! I certainly didn’t. I was completely prepared for this marriage issue to be drawn out and for Happy to stay completely silent about it, but she actually comes right out and drops the L bomb on Toby, saying what she really needs is a little bit of time. I can deal with time. However, as good as Happy’s little speech was for me, it was apparently not good enough for Toby, and he spends the rest of the episode badgering Happy for answers. I was actually very confused by this behavior because for Happy to state something as huge and significant as “I am in love with you” should tell Toby right then and there that she is trying to control the situation.

Anyways, back to the plot (which I had a lot of difficulty paying attention to after that Quintis moment), essentially the issue is a bunch of fighter jets have been hacked and Team Scorpion must regain control of them before some seriously bad things go down. Toby uses his skills of profiling to determine that the hackers are from Bulgaria, and Walter suggests that Cabe, Tim, and Sylvester go overseas to stop them in person. Sylvester makes a pretty funny quip about how, for once, he would rather fly to another country than stay in the garage where the romantic troubles are more hostile than the terrorists. Happy comes up with a brilliant plan to stop a pilot from plummeting to her death as her jet runs out of fuel, and meanwhile Toby is just annoying. He yells at her for not telling her about the marriage and says he ripped his heart apart, despite having JUST BEEN TOLD THAT SHE IS IN LOVE WITH HIM. I love Toby, I really do, but he really got on my nerves this episode.

Elsewhere Paige and Walter narrowly escape death as they avoid a missile flying straight towards them and jump down an elevator shaft. As great as surviving these things was, Paige discovers that Walter called the Tahoe hotel concierge and changed Paige and Tim’s reservation from a double room to 2 singles. Paige is so angry about Walter interfering with her love life that she does not quiet long enough for Walter to get out the words he’s been so desperately trying to tell her, that he went to Tahoe because he loved her. Geez the L word is causing way more problems than solutions in this episode.

Cabe hears the whole argument over comms even though he’s thousands of miles away in Bulgaria, where Sly is gambling and counting cards with mobsters in an attempt to meet the head honcho and perpetrator of the attack, Skunk. Ya, that’s the dude’s name. They try to trick Skunk by claiming they are hackers as well and can pay a hefty sum of money for some information, but Skunk doesn’t want money. He wants Sly, who Skunk believes can beat a guy who keeps beating money out of him in a game of poker. Sly doesn’t really have a choice, but ultimately can’t do the deed because of the Bulgarian drinking tradition coupled with poker. The men discover that Cabe, Sly, and Tim are government employees, and you can imagine how well this goes over with them.

In another desperate attempt to regain control of the nukes (oh ya, did I mention the Bulgarian’s had control of the nukes?), Happy and Walter come up with a brilliant plan to cover the area containing the key to the nukes in metal confetti, which will block signals long enough for Walter to get back into the system manually. And guess what inspired this confetti plan? Toby exclaiming that he takes back his proposal to Happy since she wouldn’t tell him who she’s married to, and he dramatically sweeps up the confetti on the garage floor. Happy is actually very upset that he is taking back the proposal and it really hurt my heart to watch Toby be such an idiot.

Anyways, this plan fails, and to make matters worse, Sylvester is chased into the Bulgarian woods for some reason. Honestly at this point in the episode the plot was lost on me and I was just thinking about the disastrous states of Waige and Quintis. I love this show, I really do, but this premiere did not need to be two hours long. After I definetely thought this episode was over, it turned out it wasn’t. The nukes still weren’t in the safe hands of Team Scorpion, and now Happy and Paige have to go down into an oil pipeline and place magnets along the bottom to direct a submarine containing the nukes. The plan almost works, but Paige slips due to her horrible choice of footwear (this is literally the reason, and Happy actually points it out), and slows them down enough to miss their window of time. So now the only options are to sink the submarine containing the nukes and everyone on it (how grim) or let the missile launch and hope Walter can hack it before it explodes somewhere (also pretty grim).

So it’s a hacker battle between Walter and Bulgaria, but it’s actually Cabe who saves the day by storming into the Bulgarian hackers room and shooting their computer with his gun. After this, Team Scorpion wins and Sylvester is saved and everyone comes home. And oh ya, there was this lady in the woods that Sly talked to… don’t ask me why. But she ended up inspiring Sylvester to tell the team to get along today because he doesn’t want to live alone in the woods, or something like that.

Happy and Toby agree to try to work things out, but Walter is not so willing. He’s still bitter that Tim is hanging around, and it takes a good ol’ talk from papa Cabe before he comes to his senses. Basically Cabe says that he’s not ready to love Paige because he’s an immature baby. Nice Cabe. Someone had to say it, and seeing as Toby is also acting like an immature baby, it had to Cabe. Walter reluctantly lets Tim go on a date with Paige — and que the agonized screams of Waige shippers! Don’t worry folks, it’ll happen eventually.

Actually perhaps soon than ‘eventually.’ As it turns out, next week’s episode includes Walter stuck in space, loosing oxygen, and hallucinating about making out with Paige. Dang, this season is moving right along!

Overall I was impressed with how much they brought out in the premiere. I definitely did not anticipate as much from Quintis as we got, and Waige had a very dynamic plot as well. I’m very excited for next week and for the rest of the season. The first episode got me right back in the Scorpion mood, as if it had never left me.