I’m back from Crete, and I managed to catch up on Neighbours in two days as it has dipped below 15 degrees outside and, therefore, I’ve lost the will to leave the house. Buckle up, and I’ll attempt to round-up the most noteworthy things from the past two weeks.
Toadie Finally Leaves (And Takes Nell With Him – Hurrah!)
As much as Toadie’s been getting on my nerves lately, his exit from the street does turn out to be really sweet, and I am simply overjoyed that he’s taken miserable Nell with him. I just need JJ to stop pining for her and then I’ll once again be content with the Erinsborough teenaged contingent.
Karl and Susan throw a party for Toadie, where everyone turns up in Hawaiian shirts, which is a nice touch, and I like the clarification, finally, that Toadie’s trademark 90s haircut was an undercut and not a mullet.
My favourite part of Toadie’s goodbye is where he presents the Kennedys with a painting of himself in the style of Helen Daniels, to hang alongside the one she did of the Kennedy kids back in the day. It’s both touching and also grotesque, as the painting is just as foul as the original inspiration. I know it’s iconic, but it’s got such a creepy vibe to it, like a dark kiddy mugshot.
Despite it being none of her business, Melanie goes to convince Terese to come and say goodbye to Toadie, which she does, just as he’s leaving the street. Everyone keeps telling Terese it will help her get “closure” to say goodbye, which I thought was a load of old nonsense, and it doesn’t appear to help Terese very much with anything, as she has an absolute meltdown later on.
As the Rebecchis are leaving, all the blokes on the street drop their trousers in honour of The House of Trouser, and their increasingly escalating antics prompt Hugo to keep saying that, “this is the best”, every time they do something else. Toadie tearfully says, “It’s all been the best”, which I thought was a really lovely final line for him. I’ll miss Old Toadie, but definitely won’t miss Recent Toadie. Recent Toadie is a bit of a moron.
Holly’s Money Situation Goes Wrong In a Way Nobody Could Predict
Who on earth could have predicted that the thousands of dollars Holly stashed in a compost bag in the greenhouse could get thrown away by accident? Everyone with half a brain, that’s who.
Holly is still splashing what cash of Heath’s she has left, and her final big purchase is an absolute eyesore of a car that looks like a tangerine on wheels. Not long after she buys it, she starts receiving text messages from an unknown number, demanding their money back. Heath is obviously dead, so it’s not him asking for it, so Holly works out it must be Tess and Heath’s hired muscle, Justin.
She attempts to sell the car, but she’s already ripped through thousands, given a chunk of the money to the police, and lost the rest of it in the compost bag debacle, so she starts to panic about what she’s going to do.
Australian Ross Kemp Is Back
A random assortment of Ramsay Street residents head to an otherwise empty pub after Toadie’s farewell. There’s Holly, Paul and Susan, plus Aaron behind the bar.
Justin, who is basically Australian Ross Kemp, comes in and takes them all hostage at gunpoint. Now, unfortunately for anyone reading this, this hostage storyline happened to occur during the same week that PM Keir Starmer accidentally called for the return of “sausages” in a speech, when what he meant to say was “hostages”, so I will be completely unable to call the hostages anything other than sausages for the rest of this round-up.
The sausages are basically all trying their hardest to get themselves killed – first Susan blatantly tries to use her phone, then Holly stands up to him and gets a wallop around the face for her troubles. Paul gives himself the role of negotiator, but he gets pushed over a table, and yet none of them reach the conclusion at this point that they should maybe just sit down and shut up until the police arrive.
They then concoct a plan whereby one of them sneaks out, deciding it should be Aaron because Isla has already lost one of her dads. I can absolutely understand Aaron for deciding to leave, but how did he think Australian Ross Kemp was going to react when he found out he was gone? How did he think that was going to go for the rest of them?
Luckily, Felix is lurking around, which is all he seems to do these days, and he manages to alert the police as to what’s going on and tackles Australian Ross Kemp, saving the others in the process. As with all of these kinds of storylines, it all ends up being a bit of an anticlimax in the end.
Wendy Is Also A Sausage
As the sausage crisis reaches its peak, we discover that Wendy and Quinn have also been holed up in there the whole time. Rather than being concerned for his wife, as soon as Andrew realises Wendy is with Quinn, he couldn’t give two hoots about getting her out or checking that she’s OK – all he can muster the energy to care about is that she was with Quinn.
I can see why Wendy lying and repeatedly seeing Quinn behind Andrew’s back would be annoying, but Wendy has just been in a hostage (sausage) crisis, so Andrew is being a bit of a jerk about this if you ask me. And it is not like me to come to Wendy’s defence.
For The Love Of Christ, Leave Felix Alone
Staying with the Rodwells, Felix is now out of hospital and out of prison, but very much in with God. He’s gone from being a dodgy crook to being a meek and awkward fella who just tootles around the complex in his anorak, either reading his bible or just looking uncomfortable. You might question his wisdom in deciding to set himself up in Erinsborough considering his frosty relationship with the Varga-Murphys, but his brother, sister-in-law and niece are all here, and he knows a few of the locals already, so I guess it makes sense.
All he’s trying to do is to find a job, atone for his past mistakes and start to build a new life for himself, but every time he turns around, Cara is there, yelling at him and anyone who tries to help him. Of course she’s protective of JJ, but it’s absolutely none of her business if Terese accepts his help with something at Eirini Rising, if Karl wants to offer him a job, or if Harold befriends him. She’s currently got the demeanour of a bad-tempered dog who shreds everything that the postie puts through the door.
She has a slight change of heart when she sees Felix watching JJ, but not interacting with him, so hopefully she’ll stop being so aggressive and leave Felix alone. Yes, he made some very bad decisions when he was in Erinsborough before, but Cara needs to go to a meditation class or something (not the one that Andrew and Wendy went to, though, with the uptight teacher).
Krista Has Two Terrible Ideas
Krista is at the end of her tether with Nicolette, who does seem to be a nightmare to live with, and after Nic fails to do the laundry as promised, Krista decides she needs to move out. My question would be why, in a household of adults, are they not all just doing their own laundry? Who’s leaving their dirty clothes for their housemates to deal with?
Krista’s solution is to move in with Melanie, which is an awful idea and my idea of hell. The only way Melanie could be worse to live with would be if she was to suddenly take up playing the saxophone. Still, Krista seems to be enjoying herself, and even recruits Melanie to help her with her other terrible idea, which is some sort of stupid strip show at Lassiters.
Seriously, a male review? Called Boylesque? Is it 1993? I cannot even begin to describe how tacky this idea is. Plus, she is really hassling all the men she knows to join in. Byron clearly doesn’t want to do it, but she hounds him until he agrees. It’s gross and I hate it.
Terese and Paul Are Fooling Nobody
It’s no surprise to anybody that as soon as Terese extricated herself from Toadie, Paul started sniffing around like a Labrador at a picnic. I don’t have all that much to say about this, other than that it’s inevitable they’ll get back together, so why don’t we just skip all the will they/won’t they and let them get on with it?
Nicolette Is a Hot Mess
Nicolette is still struggling with the parenting and childcare arrangements and both Jane and Aaron have had enough of her. Things come to a head when Nicolette takes Isla to work with her at the coffee shop, which seems to be the absolute perfect place to look after a child, what with all the boiling hot coffee, sharp knives and hot ovens.
Inevitably, Isla burns herself, and Nicolette treats the burn very badly by popping it into a random jug of water that was on the kitchen side. No, no, and thrice no, Nicolette. Please do not do this if you or anyone else burns themselves, you need to put the burn under cool, clean, running water for twenty minutes, not just grab the nearest Pyrex jug that has some random fluid in the bottom of it.
Anyway. This incident finally prompts Aaron, Nicolette and Jane to sit down and talk about childcare like actual grown-ups, and they download an app which helps them share information and schedules, which sounds much better than just shouting at each other all the time. Maybe they should download a first aid app while they’re at it.
Mel Continues To Be A Terrible Judge Of Character
Mel is talking to someone on a dating site, and from the moment this is introduced it is clear this guy is going to be a wrong ‘un of some sort. And he is, because it’s Victor. Lying, running away, conman Victor. The last new person in Melanie’s life turned out to be David’s stalker, so I really think she should just stick to the people she already knows from now on.
Holly is Arrested
Holly has been left waiting to hear what her fate will be after it comes to light that she’s been busy spending all of Heath’s ill gotten gains. She eventually learns that she’s going to be arrested for theft, and that she could face some jail time. Karl immediately says he’ll ring Toadie, which is a terrible idea. Toadie is a useless lawyer, and he’s also miles away now. Is Karl so tight that he can’t afford some decent, local, representation for Holly?
My prediction is that Holly and Felix will bond over their dodgy pasts and uncertain futures, and end up as a couple. Karl probably won’t be too keen on that but, considering he’s just given Felix a job, he won’t be able to say too much. Susan will be all for it, she’s been looking at Felix with heart eyes ever since the sausage situation. We’ll see if I’m right…
A Few Random Notes
As usual, here are a few random notes I took while watching Neighbours this week:
- Toadie describing the last few years of his life as an emotional bin fire. Perfect, no notes.
- Harold: “Nobody needs to see my nether regions.”
- A sausage situation at The Water Hole!
- “No one is going nowhere until I get my cash.” Terrible grammar from Australian Ross Kemp.
- I wouldn’t trust Andrew to negotiate himself out of a wet chip bag.
