We are hurtling towards Christmas, and nothing has made that more apparent than the festive goings-on in Erinsborough this past week, which has made me feel slightly panicked about my own Christmas preparations. So, let’s rattle through this week’s round-up so I can go and get to grips with some wrapping paper.
Fashion Faux Pas
I know that people quite often get their most hideous, sparkly items of clothing out at this time of year, but honestly, the things that people were wearing in Erinsborough this week were absolutely mad. I live in the middle of nowhere where people mostly wear the classic combination of tracksuits and wellies. When I travel down to London, the thing that stands out the most is that a lot of people are dressed as if they just disembarked from a spaceship – and this is how I felt watching this week’s episodes of Neighbours.
First, we had Nicolette wearing some sort of giant golf sock. I literally can’t think of another way to describe it – it is a giant, highly-flammable-looking, turtlenecked golf sock. I thought I hated her horrible green leather coat, but now I’ve seen this abomination; the coat doesn’t seem so bad.
Chloe usually looks spectacular, but this week, she was wearing a sequinned Mandarin-collared minidress and massive pink boots despite it being the height of Australian summer. Her outfit looked like she’d stolen it from a Bond girl in one of the slightly racist Bond films set in Asia, you know – the ones where rather than hire Asian actors, they just draw eyeliner on a load of white people. While Chloe was channeling the 1960s, Elly was firmly in the 1970s, wearing a jumpsuit with an extremely aggressive neckline, putting the bulk of her chest on show. I’m no prude, but I feel like this sort of maxi-cleavage is more suited to being five vodkas in on an ABBA night than wandering around the complex in the middle of the afternoon.
Quite possibly the biggest fashion crime, though, is the one committed by Holly. Despite being told that Haz needs a bit of space and that she’s perhaps been coming on a bit strong, she opts for getting matching Hazzy Christmas jumpers because nothing says “chill” like identical koala jumpers. Revolting.
Paul Ruins the Magic of Christmas
As usual, I’ve got a bone to pick with Paul, but first, I’m going to admit to something: I was crunching a bag of giant Wotsits while I was watching the Christmas Fair episode, and I couldn’t understand why Paul was getting into such a tizzy about “Sandra” cancelling her appearance at the fair. “Who’s Sandra?” I thought, waiting for the big reveal of who this incredibly important person might be. It was only when Chloe suggested that Paul take over instead that I realised he’d said “Santa.” Which, I’ll admit, made a lot more sense.
So Paul dons the Santa costume and gets into the spirit of spreading a bit of Christmas joy, except he doesn’t because when his granddaughters come to see him, he takes his beard off and shows them it’s him. I’M SORRY. You do not reveal to little kids that ANY Santa is not the real Santa. Is he an actual monster?
If that wasn’t bad enough, later on, he’s just sitting in the complex without his beard on, looking as miserable as a soggy Christmas cracker, fully showing the entire childhood population of Erinsborough that Santa is an imposter. Andrew should have arrested him.
Broken Byron
Byron gets a break-up letter and a really tacky necklace from Reece and is now the saddest man who has ever lived. I can’t say I blame him because that necklace really is hideous, and I don’t know why Reece thought he would ever come to cherish an ugly Mr T medallion that she sent him at the same time as telling him she’s dumping him.
Poor Byron is a little bit dim because a blind man on a galloping horse could have seen that Reece just wasn’t that invested in their relationship, and she’s been ghosting him since she went back to America, but it comes as a total shock to Byron when she gives him the elbow. He drowns his sorrows and ends up going out on the town with Mackenzie, who is attempting to drink away the sight of Hazzy in their awful matching koala jumpers.
They get absolutely flip-flopped and then come home and crash in Mackenzie’s bed. Haz sees Byron staggering out of Mackenzie’s room the following morning and gets his knickers in a knot about it like it’s got anything to do with him, who Mackenzie has in her bed. Mackenzie is rightfully annoyed, and in the ensuing argument, she announces that Haz is actually the one she’s into.
Hazzy vs Hackenzie
This revelation soon gets back to Holly, who immediately starts to feel insecure about her relationship. This isn’t helped by Karl lingering round the coffee shop like an eggy fart, trying to pump Haz for information. I was originally firmly on Team Hackenzie, I thought Mack and Haz would be really cute together, and I find Holly a bit annoying. I’ve changed my mind now, though – I’m not on any team because Haz doesn’t deserve a girlfriend. He’s clearly into Mackenzie rather than Holly, but he’s stringing Holly along for whatever reason, knowing full well that she’s vulnerable after her experience with Eden. When she’s in the coffee shop with Karl, he doesn’t even speak to her, he’s being a real douche. It’s really not cool.
I hope Trevor bites him.
Oh, Joy, Elly is Back
Dear Christ, I knew I didn’t want Elly to come back, but even I’d forgotten how annoying she was and how awkward she and Chloe were together. I know there’s a section of the Neighbours fandom who go wild for “Chelly,” but I cannot get on board. They have the chemistry of two odd socks, and every time they hug or kiss, they give me, “Go and give your Auntie Jean a kiss before she leaves” energy. It’s. Just. so. Awkward.
Chloe’s had so much chemistry with every other love interest she’s ever had, but she and Elly are like a couple of wet fish. They’re supposed to be madly in love with each other, but that doesn’t come over at all.
The lack of passion aside, the reason Elly is back in town is because Chloe needs to tell her that she’s having Huntington’s symptoms. Elly is devastated but thinks it over, has a chat with Nicolette and then decides to propose to Chloe, which means she’s probably going to stick around. What truly terrific news. Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t seem to be able to find the Sarcasm font on my computer.
Ugh. Please go away, Elly.
