Going back to this game was more of a treat than I expected. In a month-long forgotten by me, Goat Simulator was a free offering on Playstation +. Being a genre (free) I’ve become increasingly more of a fan as I’ve aged and financially severed my limbs and burned the stumps like a masochistic, emo hydra; Goat Simulator genuinely took me by surprise. Upon initially booting it up and running around for a bit, I saw potential and immediately put it down for whatever sadly mundane and mandatory shit I had going down at the time.

Image: by me

I found myself once again dusting off my backlog of games much in the way a drunk Miley Cyrus goes through her contacts list looking for old Disney costars: find one that has aged well enough to have a quick, drunken romp with and wear it out before it’s signs of aging appear and it asks for money. Goat Simulator promised one of these traits, as it’s loaded with DLC. With the complete GOATY version on sale, I jumped in on my Switch, ready to wreck shit as a goat.

One of the first things I noticed is that the Asshole Animal Simulation genre is a vastly untapped concept simply exploding with potential and mass appeal. If you enjoy video games, work a job that isn’t puppy snuggling, or handjob quality assurance tester, then this is the game for you!

The goat simulator wears its flaws on the outside. Goat Simulator does not care if you know where to go next. If you’re looking for a complex story, this ain’t really it. There are themed levels, most of which were DLC, that are unlocked by purchasing the GOATY version of the game. I began with the standard level, wanting to stretch my hooves in a mostly default environment. After locating the headbutt/kick button, the button to faint,, and a button to lick things, I was equipped to begin my virtual life as the most metal barnyard animal of them all. To my shock, my humorous preconceptions were met with equally ridiculous humor.

Image: by me

As I spawned, I couldn’t help but name the little horned devil bastard, so I went with Leviticus Chicharrón. Stepping a brave, cloven hoof towards my new life as a violent, sociopathic animal. By this, I mean I ran forward and fucked up everything in a very arrogant fashion. Every once in a while, good Mister Chicharróne would come across a particular person of interest i.e. poor bastard randomly selected to be followed, kicked and headbutted mercilessly, and intermittently licked for at least 20 minutes. The point in bringing this up is that Goat Simulator is one of those games where you have to find your own fun. Even in the zone that makes fun of about 30 different MMOs (Ark included, crossing the “t” in my PRSD), the objectives of my 2nd foray into the life of a homicidal goat were fueled by boredom and momentary grievances. Some stages give you a loose frame of objectives, but then the game gently steps aside to allow the player to throw a middle finger up to all of that. My time is spent the same, regardless of location. The mission: poke around and take zero shit from any and everyone.

Pictured: Actual screenshot from game. Not pictured: Context.

Gleefully trotting at full speed down the middle of the street, our good Mr. Chicharróne encountered a man with a shirt that reminded me of a frustrating time in a wrestling game character creator, so naturally fuck him. I gallop over, bleating like a lunatic stopping all close like the Bat Mobile did in one of the Tim Burton movies. I can’t remember which. Anyways, Sir Leviticus immediately about faces and back kicks the eternal piss out of green shirt guy, sending him spiraling into a gas station. The register lady, reacting the way any person would when a grown man is suddenly launched through the window of their workplace, screamed and fell to the side abruptly. Her body twisted with contortions resembling breakdancing. Had I found the party? Nay, I am the party.

Image; by me

Gleefully trotting into the next zone, my creepy-ass goat eyes met with a tall skyscraper. Upon entering I bravely charge forward into an open elevator on to find myself teleported to a rooftop rave. You know, kicking Deadmau5 repeatedly before licking his mask for 5 solid minutes is not a gaming experience I can say I never saw coming.

Image: by me

Oh. I think I have to stop playing. How could I have not seen? Is this game an A.D.H.D. trap? ….



All screen captures created by myself via Nintendo Switch.