HOLY DRY TURKEY BATMAN?!

Welp, it’s that time of year again. Time for feasting and further alienating your racist Uncle Bob. Yes, that’s right. That most gluttonous of ‘Merican holidays is upon us and that got me thinking about traditions. Every year, before I am able to sink my teeth into the first bites of turkey, the table decides to share what we’re thankful for. Remembering this got me thinking, when I am not stuffing my turkey hole or trying to figure out how many wines mom has had, my thoughts drift to where they always do. WWDKS…What Would the Dark Knight Say? So in honor of Thanksgiving and the Caped Crusader, I have assembled a preeminently unofficial list of the five things Batman would say he is thankful for.

Gotham’s Unending Corruption

This one seems counterintuitive but where would Bruce Wayne be without the baddies? I don’t know and neither does he. Gotham—and the scum he’s up against—are what make him who he is. From corrupt District Attorneys, mayors and cops, Batman is constantly fighting an uphill battle. Although there is that bastion of justice in GCPD named Jim M-F’n Gordon (a.k.a. the Commissioner) who, conveniently enough, brings us to number two on this bat-list.

Ya, This Doofus… Photo Source: IGN

Commissioner Gordon

There are maybe two other people on the planet that truly enable Bats to be Bats. Lucius Fox is on the payroll most of the time, and well, Alfred is probably cooking dinner while Batman glowers over the aforementioned corruption. But is he the butler and the only family Bruce will ever have. Neither of them has allowed Batman the unfettered ability to do and be whatever Gotham may need. At least not in the same way that the Commissioner has. Not to mention the fact that last year Gordon gave up smoking and got all shredded to literally BE BATMAN while Bruce was memory-less and working with at-risk youth. Admirable, but not Batmirable. An honorable mention goes to Gordon’s Moustache, because. Well duh.

The mustache… Photo Source: wikipedia

Those Wonderful Toys

This could also be read as The Unending Supply of Wayne Enterprise’s Disposable Cash. Regardless, a mere mortal could do nothing close to what our Harbinger of Justice can without the myriad of gadgets, gizmos and grappling hooks. Whether his favorite is the assortment of Ocean-Repellent Bat Sprays or the ever-useful Batarang, the gadgets truly make the Bat. Because without them he is just a guy wearing a hockey mask and we all know how that would end up.

Oh, those toys… Photo Source: Youtube

The Batsuit

The Batsuit is the defining look for our masked vigilante and transcends merely gadget territory. Without it, Bruce is just that, Bruce Wayne: a Spoiled billionaire who has no clue how the other half, or 99 percent live. But with the suit, he becomes fear incarnate and he turns his fear on those who would pray against the fearful, to become a force that refuses to be corrupted or kept down. Because remember, “It’s what we do that defines us.” Not to mention the suit has no give and will be astonishingly slimming after the meal of roast Penguin and fried Croc that Alfred is cooking up

The one and only Batsuit…picture courtesy of gearnuke.com

The Bat Family

Like many of us, Batman spends a good amount of his time pushing away his family in a misguided attempt to protect them. We may do it to hide the fact that we haven’t done laundry in a month and a half. He does it to ensure he won’t lose this family due to an inability to protect those closest to him. (Ouch, I know, but the hardest part of Thomas and Martha’s deaths for Bruce may have been the fact that he couldn’t do anything about it.) So, just like us, when Bats is around the family he can see through the other nonsense that clouds his judgment (you know, like Joker cutting off their hands and faces or the fact that Nightwing thinks he should be involved in EVERYTHING) and truly be thankful he has people who know him and want the best for him—and the thing he loves most—Gotham.