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Get Haunted 101: The Unabridged Guide

Hey there!

Are you tired of waking up in the morning? Being relaxed and content most of the time?

Do you lay down in bed at night and get decent/okay/great sleep?

Wish your life had a little more… excitement in it?

Like you, I too was tired of being moderately healthy and most of all, I was so tired of being mentally sound! That all changed when I stumbled onto an ancient Native American burial ground on Friday, October 13th, at 6:66pm. That night, something happened that would end change my life.

That’s right ladies and gentlemen: I’m talking about being haunted*.

Kids nowadays get it all wrong. The true meaning of Christmas Blade Runner hauntings has been lost with time. It isn’t about friend requests or likes or 4chan boards. This guide was designed with tried-and-true traditions in mind. A classical return to form, and a foolproof way to get a true, indefinite haunting. One that can’t be removed.

So without further ado, let’s dive right into them!

Get Haunted, Purchase a:

  • Creepy doll from a shady thrift store/garage sale
  • Ouija board from anywhere
  • House for WAY too cheap without researching the history
  • CD/DVD with no artwork, case, or other reassuring markings
  • Super8 camera with prerecorded tapes with names like “Christmas Fun ’88”
  • Fortune from someone with less than seven teeth
  • plane/train/boat/bus ticket to anywhere with a population under 500 people

Go Ahead! Visit:

  • Derry, Maine
  • A cemetery at night
  • A cemetery on Halloween
  • A cemetery
  • An Abandoned Asylum
  • A spelunking cave
  • An old concentration camp
  • Any “locally haunted area”
  • That haunted house that never advertises themselves
  • A sewer system
  • Catacombs
  • Burial grounds
  • Inside the pyramids
  • Any historically significant mass killing site your race/religion was responsible for
  • Jeffrey Dahmer’s basement
  • Any basement (especially with one of those old-fashioned hot water heaters)
  • Any attic
  • A house that any murder and or suicide took place in and is abandoned for sale.

I’d Also Recommend Becoming:

  • An investigative journalist
  • A novelist
  • A cave diver
  • An orphanage caretaker
  • A mortician
  • A traveling photographer
  • Unemployed in Detroit
  • A groundskeeper for a cemetery
  • A paranormal investigator
  • A well-to-do socialite (and then take a trip abroad, and insult someone creepy)
  • A pizza delivery person
  • A babysitter

Bonus round!

Do any of the following for 10x haunt multiplier!

  • Adopt the kid who talks to himself
  • Move to Elm st
  • Take a shower in black & white
  • GO EXPLORE A LOCAL WITCH TALE IN THE WOODS
  • VISIT THE JAPANESE “SUICIDE WOODS” FOR FUN
  • travel into space
  • set up a camera system in your house
  • RECORD EVERYTHING YOU DO

and lastly

  • know something is haunted and a) do nothing or b) explore it more

With these simple suggestions, I promise you can leave your life of decent contention and step into a world of hair-pulling anxiety, night sweats, and the concessional cryptic message written in blood.

Have an awful day!

*Side effects may include: death and or death related symptoms such as: lack of breathing, trouble maintaining a heartbeat, permanent drowsiness and loss of consciousness. Call your doctor right away if you experience some, all, none, or some of none of these symptoms. On second thought, instead of calling your doctor, call your local priest or psychic. With approved credit and $1899 due at signing.

 

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