What Do Ghosts, Baby Hitler and Ejaculation Have in Common? Drunk History Gives Us Answers in Its Summer Premiere.

Drunk History is back for the summer, which means you once again have an excuse to drink on a Tuesday night. Not that I’d judge you if you didn’t have an excuse. But what better way to kick off the summer than with some drunk anecdotes about sticking it to the Nazi Party during World War II? Here are the best moments and quotes from the premiere.

John Lutz Ghosts German Troops

John gave us an animated retelling of General Marshall’s Ghost Army, although he probably could have told an anecdote about the Cheesecake Factory that would have been just as entertaining. “Sorry, cheesecakes!”

Martini in hand, John recounted the tale of Marshall’s plan to distract enemy troops with a fake army and a fake battle while the real army got shit done. Inflatable tanks, sound effects pumped through speakers and a huge load of fireworks can never be a bad idea when put together, right?

In this case, it worked out and a “ragtag group of artists saved the world.” So, uh, thanks to General Marshall for coming up with that plan, but a bigger thanks to John Lutz for telling the story so animatedly. The Piglet voice was A+.

 

Randall Park “Comes” Clean About Internment Camps

Randall may not have joined the army as he intended to when he was younger, but I think we can all agree that his drunk storytelling is a gem that stands out in American history. He told us the story of Frank Emi, a Japanese-American man who was forced into an internment camp during World War II.

That was about as far as Randall got before he realized how completely gone he was. Iconic.

Anyway, Frank Emi was sent to an internment camp at Heart Mountain where he decided to take action against the loyalty oath and military draft that was forced upon him and other Japanese-Americans.

Frank Emi formed the Heart Mountain Fair Play Committee, and unfortunately, the resistance movement ended with hundreds of committee members in jail. President Truman issued an apology to Emi in 1947 because, like, “we kinda screwed up.”

This segment ended when Randall and Derek agreed that not only do we all bleed the same color but also come the same color. And, honestly, hearing two of my faves talk about coming together was one of the most weirdly hilarious and homoerotic moments on television. I’m 100 percent sure there’s some fanfic about these two floating around somewhere now.

Lyric Lewis and Baby Hitler Win the Day

Lyric spun the wildest tale of the night. She told the story of Willy Hitler, the estranged nephew of Adolf Hitler. And before she even started, it was very clear that she was more than a few drinks in. Which automatically meant that we were in for a wild ride.

The story ultimately boiled down to this:

Derek: “You can pick your friends.”

Lyric: “But you can’t pick your family.”

Basically, Willy (Baby) Hitler got “mad” because his uncle wouldn’t accept him into the Nazi party as a high ranking official. So, Willy got spiteful and enrolled in the U.S. Navy to fight his uncle’s regime. If that’s not a power move, I don’t know what is.

During his time in the Navy, Willy was throwing aspirin in people’s mouths and giving them little shots because he was a nurse. But then he got hit was shrapnel during a battle and was honorably discharged with a Purple Heart. He then renounced his relation to Adolf Hitler and changed his name to make the claim permanent. Willy’s children have also renounced relation to Adolf, so in the words of Lyric, “Baby Hitler won the day.”

This episode was the stiff drink we needed to kick of the summer months! Be sure to follow me on Twitter for updates about Drunk History as they come in. Or just to read every hilarious thing I have to say. The choice is yours.

Drunk History airs tonight at 10/9c on Comedy Central with an episode called “Heists.” The half-hour program about art theft, evil Santas and a cowering Nazi is sure to steal you’re heart!