Recently I made a post about being an executive of a nerdy website without ever having seen any of the Star Wars films. My staff wanted me to rethink my life choices and my mom felt like a failure as a parent. In that article, I had some serious questions, such as: “What in heaven’s name is an Ewok?” “Do I need to die?” “Am I going to regret this?” – that last one is still up in the air, but I digress. I finally sat down and watched the “first” installment, Star Wars IV: A New Hope. I was hoping I’d get some answers, but now I’m just MADE of questions at this point.
I, at least, have some idea of what’s coming though; I can only imagine movie-goers in the 1970s frantically whispering “What the heeellll?!” over and over again. George Lucas basically wrote an entire book in his head, but only published chapter four and watched as the world burned. I’m going to go over my questions and comments, get a little in-depth with you, provide some of my favorite quotes, and give an over-all ranking – so let’s dive right in!
First of all, why do all of the helmets in this movie look like literal toilets. They’re all wearing painted bed-pans on their heads and not one person can convince me otherwise. Honestly though, that’s the only issue I had with their wardrobes – otherwise the clothing really didn’t bother me, but it IS a valid reason. When it comes to creatures in the film however, I have some concerns. I’m not a fan of Jawas at all. They’re small, and creepy, and their beady eyes can see into the depths of my soul. Sand people are just a huge “No,” in general for me. And don’t think I didn’t notice Jabba The Hut and Boba Fett – I’m not that uncultured. Despite all of these new beings and aliens, there’s only one that I had a major problem with: The snake-thing in the garbage heap, with Leia, Luke, Han, and Chewy. Why would someone put a snake down there? To defend the garbage? And if so, why would you allow the walls to close in and squish it? And if that ISN’T the case why in the world would someone bring a whole freakin’ Anaconda into space and then throw it away?!
What’s more is I had some thoughts regarding random scenes throughout the movie – scenes that..honestly didn’t need to exist. Like the bar fight, for example. There was literally no reason for it, but based on my limited knowledge of this series, I’ve learned that a recurring themed of Star Wars is… “I don’t like you.” “Well I don’t like you.” and then someone loses a limb. Similarly, Han Solo’s general mood throughout their adventures is “Boy howdy I’ve got a bad feeling about this.”
On a related note, Stormtroopers are SUPER dumb. Like…C3PO and R2D2 are basically hiding in a broom closet, and the soldiers are like “Yeah, totally normal, these droids are definitely Imperial property despite looking nothing like our other droids.” Also. Pretty rude of Darth Vader to kill Obi-Wan Kenobi and then just stomped all over his cloak. And that general guy! He destroyed Alderaan! In front of Leia! Rude as hell! However, despite my issues with the plot, I do have some favorite quotes:
“…you overweight glob of grease!” – C3PO
“Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope!” Leia’s Hologram
“These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.” – Obi-Wan Kenobi
“Well Somebody has to save us!” – Princess Leia after taking Luke’s gun.
Literally any time R2D2 makes a snarky comment at C3PO. Even though the “first” installment is a complete disaster, I do think I managed to answer one of my burning questions: Why is Luke’s butt-chin so deep? Hear me out, y’all. This is my theory…the deeper the butt-chin, the more powerful the connection to the force. Think about it – Luke, Anakin, rey, Even Ewan Mcgregor’s Obi-Wan Kenobi (or as I like to call him, Ewan Kenobi) all show signs of a prominent butt-chin. Boom. Let that mind-blowing bit of information sink in. All-in-all, A New Hope gets a solid 2 out of 5 overall, but despite my complete confusion, I HAVE to keep watching. I need answers!