Have you ever sat down, excited to watch a movie, until you realize…”Wow this movie absolutely sucks eggs.” but for some ungodly reason you can’t stop watching – the next thing you know, you own the DVD and you’re forcing your friends to suffer just as you had? Yeah…me neither. So! Here’s a list of undeniably crappy movies that, for reasons only known by the gods themselves, have HUGE fanbases:
For you non-90’s kids, this might be a weird one, but give it a chance. The actual plot for this movie is that a boy accidentally kicks over a boombox, (Which is a portable radio, for you youngins’) which frees a genie named “Kazaam” (Played by famous basketball star Shaq’ O’Neal.) from its’ confines. Shaq – I mean…Kazaam, decides to grant the boy 3 wishes, but things get hairy when the kid ends up in some seriously hot water. It’s basically the “Modernized” live-action Aladdin that literally NO-ONE wanted. Like…you know when you ask for an iPad at Christmas but instead, you get the crappy knock-off “X-tablet” from the thrift store? That’s what this movie is. But you should watch it anyway because it’s worth it. This is what we called entertainment back in the day, y’all. Take notes.
I absolutely LOVE this movie. My traitorous best friend will tell you this movie is the worst thing since Zayn left One Direction, (I know the timeline doesn’t fit, fight me) but I would like to propose a counter-argument to her: You can catch my hands, bro. In any case, this movie plot is a little intricate. Starring Kurt Russell as a ruggedly handsome truck driver named Jack, this movie follows an ancient being cursed by the gods. To break free, the being must wed and essentially feed off of a girl – but it can’t be just any girl. Legend says she must be of Asian descent and have green eyes. But when the girl he targets happens to be the fiance’ of Jack’s best friend, they decide to jump into the line of danger to rescue her and put down this cursed being forever! Sounds dope, right? you should all totally watch it! I demand it immediately.
Alright, look. Some people didn’t even know a live-action Mario Bros. movie existed, but it does. It does and it’s so absolutely horrendous, but it’s also honestly amazing and I can’t explain why. I’m not even going to TRY to explain the plot, I’m just going to tell you who’s in it because it’s got an all-star cast for its time:
Mario – Bob Hoskins (Who Framed Roger Rabbit)
Luigi – John Leguizamo (Moulin Rouge, Romeo and Juliet)
Bowser – Dennis Hopper (Water World)
Now, this isn’t the entire cast of course, but they are the most important. But the cast isn’t even the best part: They have Goombas. GOOMBAS Y’all! Picture live action Goombas with all the special effects glory of 1993 – isn’t it absolutely beautiful?!
Fans of Johnny Depp will agree that, while this movie is just INTENSELY corny, it’s one of the most beloved Depp movies to date. For you uncultured monsters that never took the time to watch this, here’s the plot:
Wade “Crybaby” Walker is a bad-boy greaser with an absolute heart o gold. His parents weren’t the greatest of people, and he’s forced to live under their shadow. But when he falls for a goodie-two-shoes named Allison, the war between the “Drapes” and the “Squares” gets even worse. If you’re a fan of Grease or Hairspray, you’ll adore this cheesy combination of the two. The music is great, the sound effects are corny, and the acting is about as good as a B movie will get. You’ll absolutely love it.
Before you decide to absolutely crucify me for this, re-watch the movie. It’s literally Michael Jordan teaming up with Looney Tunes characters to fight off alien invaders through the magic of Basketball. Now look, I love Space Jam as much as the next 90’s kid – if I didn’t, I wouldn’t own the movie – but I mean come on…this movie is just as corny as it gets! Maybe it’s the awful special effects, perhaps it’s the cheesy one-liners spouted off by that “silly wabbit,” but whatever it is, Space Jam definitely makes this list.
This one might just be me, but (nearly) everyone knows about the trash-fire that is the Dragonball: Evolution live-action movie. It’s SUPPOSED to follow the anime series, which if you’ve been living in a cave with no cable, is essentially about a boy named Goku, who is from another planet. Stranded on Earth, with no knowledge of his past, his alien genetics give him insane powers. He not only protects the Earth, along with his friends but also spends his time traversing the planet in search of the 7 Dragon Balls. When all 7 mystical balls unite, it releases an otherworldly dragon named Shenron. He grants the person who summoned him one wish, before scattering the balls back across the Earth – and there are NO limits to his power…he can even bring someone back to life. The T.V. show is wildly popular, but the movie is where most fans draw the line, and if you’re really in for a laugh, check out this A-listing cast:
Goku – Justin Chatwin (Shameless)
Roshi – Yun-Fat Chow (Pirates of the Carribean: At world’s end)
Bulma – Emmy Rossum (Shameless)
Piccolo – James Marsters (Buffy The Vampire Slayer – lol)
Chi Chi – Jaime Cheng (Sucker Punch)
These are some pretty big names, and to see them in this god-awful movie will always make me split a seam.
For the final movie on this list, I decided to include a rarely-heard-of-classic. Based off of the beloved arcade game of the same name, Double Dragon follows the story of 2 brothers who seek to avenge their fallen master, and in doing so they come across a medallion that, because of it’s immense power, was split in half. When the halves are joined, the duo gain the magical powers within. It’s got goofy antics, cheesy one-liners, and about two dozen cringe-worthy scenes, but you should watch it anyway.
That’s it for now, but keep reading to see my honorable mentions. Comment below some of your favorite “Cruddy Movies”!